FOT Forum
The Best Show on WFMU => Dear Tom => Topic started by: jakepend on November 08, 2007, 01:28:41 PM
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Letter from ------(commissioner of the kickball league) to Steve Jr. (owner of the Turkey’s Nest), received Saturday, 10/27:
Dear Steve,
I write you today because I am not happy with how I am treated over at the Nest. In general, you, your family, Scott, Chris, Patrick, and the regulars are kind to me. But I am not given the respect or consideration commensurate with someone that is one of the best people to ever happen to your bar.
For 4 years now, I have promoted and developed the league, and every year, it’s grown. Kickball is now bigger than all the softball leagues combined. For all my efforts, your family is the number one beneficiary.
What I make in one week of Kickball is less than what the margarita machine generates in one hour. Still, I am the one organizing everything, making the websites, sending the emails, posting the internet bulletins, dealing with the Parks department, setting up and cleaning the field, fronting most of the money, and making sure that everyone is happy. I’m the one that makes sure we play on Holidays and in the rain, and softball never does that. I spend hours every week picking up your Styrofoam cups at the field, which softball never does. When you guilt-trip me about money you’ve loaned me*, or tell me how much you’ve done for me, consider this:
*[Ed note: $1000 = $350 personal loan for rent + $400 for trophies for the kickball league + $250 for bottles of Jack Daniels special-delivered to the kickball field]
Over those four years, Kickball has made the Nest hundreds of thousands of dollars. Furthermore, Kickball has had a great residual effect by transforming the culture over there, for the better. Scott concurs with this perception. Sunday Night is as sweet as it can be. It went from the worst night to clearly the best. During Kickball, you need two bartenders and a doorman. It’s putting your kids and Val’s through college, not that your daughter will need it. During the same time, I’ve been destitute, starving, and evicted from my apartment. Over this season alone, you’ve given Roger and Bob Johnson a lot more money than you have me, like 4-5 times as much. Are they more valuable.
So I take offense when you want me to believe that you do so much for me. It is the other way around. I’m your number one man, and I’m lower on the totem poll there than Tommy Flag. Having the equipment at the Nest has never been smooth, and is a favor to you, as it directly links Kickball to the bar (I’d like to remind you that you were insistent on keeping the stuff there). All the beer I take to the field (and the whiskey too) is a service beneficial to you, as it wets the players’ whistles, and makes them go back to the Nest for more. They are like drink tickets, which the owner of Europa was happy to give me, as I packed that place for the awards ceremony. I pack your place every Sunday for six months. I don’t drink all that beer myself. And drinks I do have for myself should be a perk for an employee that every other one of your employees is entitled to.
Things like my using the kitchen, or getting garbage bags, or tools, or whatever, everything I do for the Nest that helps me make Kickball run, you need to happen, as it benefits you the most, by far. Instead of duking me and saying thank you (which you’ve never done once), you occasionally guilt-trip me and make me want to believe it’s you doing me a huge favor. Sometimes, you make me feel like I’m a nuisance instead of a breadwinner.
Well, I am not happy with this. I bust my ass for the Nest, yet, over this last year alone, Patty’s thrown me out (he never did apologize, by the way), Tommy Flag has locked me out in the backyard, and Joe didn’t allow me entrance to the bar on a cold December night. This is tremendous disrespect, which I do not deserve, and you never did anything to set them straight. That is why I went off on Joe that Monday morning. I can’t stand this anymore.
I suspect your life at the bar has been thrust upon you. I’m sure you’d rather be the pitching coach of the Yankees. But you have comfort, stability, and a family. I don’t, and people think I’m a chump. Well, I don’t deserve that status. This is what needs to happen for me to feel appreciated and respected.
First, I want a 4-year bonus. The kind of bonus where I can fix my car and make it legal again. And the kind of bonus where I can take the woman I love on a beautiful trip.
Second, I’m tired of asking for keys. Please make me a set.
Third, I’m tired of bullshit from those aforementioned employees. Let them know I am one of them, and frankly, have more reason to be there than they do.
Fourth, I want a laminated card, signed by you, that gives me, and my lady of the evening, a license to drink for free, for the rest of my life. Hell, I want to be able to transfer it to my fictitious son one day.
Fifth, for next season, I want you to pay for all of Kickball’s expenses: the permits, the equipment, the balls, everything. I want my own separate shed, as I’m tired of the softball leagues stealing my shit. I bought 10 home plates this season. I also want you to pay for this year’s permit.
Lastly, I want to get paid weekly, and that way, I can bank all the kickball fees, which I am expected to do. Whatever Chris and Scott make, I want that plus 10%. Chris (and Bob) wouldn’t be working without me, so I think that’s a reasonable wage.
On the bright side, the family wouldn’t have to pay for this if you help me gain sponsorship. So please, let’s make things right. Next year, we can have kickass sponsors, and have a professional website that would look just like MLB.com’s. I want to take this thing to the highest of levels, with more special events. Things could go so well, you should consider taking the apartments out of the 2nd floor and put in another bar.
I also would like to remind you that I have a great winter plan for the Nest, which will pack the joint, and allow Chris and Bob to work again. I highly suggest you take me up on it. We should get it all arranged well before Thanksgiving.
If this sounds crazy, everyone thought I was nuts for starting kickball.
Again, I have the utmost respect for you and your parents. I understand your problems; please understand mine. You have always been kind, and now, I ask you to be considerate.
Sincerely,
omitted
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Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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How the hell did you get this? So good you'd think it's a fake.
As a resident of Greenpoint, I officially cede all rights to McCarren Park over to Williamsburg. Except for the strip of grass that has the farmer's market, and pool rights for Teddy Rockstar's performances, you can keep it.
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uyoie!
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YAY-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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As a resident of Greenpoint, I officially cede all rights to McCarren Park over to Williamsburg. Except for the strip of grass that has the farmer's market, and pool rights for Teddy Rockstar's performances, you can keep it.
I'll second this. Reading that made me realize that as much as Greenpoint is becoming a strange place to live, we have a lot to be proud of compared to Filthy Williamsburg.
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This is the best first post, maybe the best post. Viva Jakepend!
I love the "And the kind of bonus where I can take the woman I love on a beautiful trip", then, a few lines later, "I want a laminated card, signed by you, that gives me, and my lady of the evening, a license to drink for free, for the rest of my life."