FOT Forum
FOT Community => General Discussion => Topic started by: erika on March 11, 2010, 02:47:35 PM
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Today's quote is how my neighbor Kenny broke the ice to my husband, my mother and I during our first day at the house. He's speaking of his unfixed pitbull named Diesel.
"Dog's got a hell of a pedigree. No paperwork. Got him from a pregnant stripper! Aint that great??"
And, a bonus quote from when Kenny randomly walked into our house during a New Years party:
"Don't you hate when you got a mom who's on crack and she's prostituting her daughter for more drug money? And the daughter's on drugs too? Yeah I hate that. Sucks."
Surely there are FOT with horrible neighbors. Lemme hear it. My next quote will be from another neighborhood darling... I like to call him "Neck Tattoo".
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I have to clean this one up a little to keep the toilet talk to a minimum. I'd like to quote my current neighbor and former roomate who once said:
"Hey Will, is it okay to date a girl you met at a gathering where everyone was having sex [he said it less delicately]. I think she was really into me."
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BetheBoy & I (we're like, married and stuff) have a group of neighbors:
The Hollywood Hobo. (An Irish actor who was mistakenly arrested for murder in Italy and became a YouTube sensation.)
The Hobo Handyman (the aforementioned gangbang question.)
The Peeping Tom (I called & mentioned him on the Therese & Mike Show. Also mentioned here: http://bit.ly/aOQZ70 )
The Crazypants Guy (Peeping Tom's Roommate.)
The Hoarder Landlady
The Casino! Hobo (think a 60 year old Dennis the Menace. A childhood friend of the landlady, they've lived together forever but she doesn't let him have a key.)
And Random Normal Guy, who lives with the above but I can't figure out how or why they met.
Why do we call him Casino! Hobo? Because last year, while waiting for a cab, he mused to himself on our front stoop:
"You know what I'd like? I'd like a fanny pack. One that says 'America.' Or maybe...'CASINO!'"
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Sweet. Kenny lives with his two sisters in his dead grandmother's house. Sometimes when they fight we stand with our ear against the wall so we can hear. It's like Intervention but live and without the happy ending.
Maybe this belongs in the Mike section of the board....
Neck Tattoo lives down the street. I actually can't think of any quotes at the moment but he does like to litter in his own back yard and that's pretty respectable if you ask me!
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I live next door to a horse farm.
Sometimes I'll go down to the fence at visit with them.
They are all mostly pleasant conversationalists, but there's this one (a brown one with a white on his face around his eye). He keeps trying to convince me to start fires in the neighborhood.
(http://www.maguirefarm.com/images/HorseJackField.JPG)
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I have empty lots on either side of me, there are no houses across the street, and my backyard ends at embankment that slopes down to an unused parking lot and, shortly after that, Johnson's Bay. I'm a little jealous of CMo, but only a little.
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This is a thread that could live forever!
I've got an unemployable, psychotic, leather-lunged addict living in the 2nd floor apartment of the house next door to me. It is her grandparents' house. She spends nearly all her waking hours on her grandparents' front porch on the first floor or hanging on the sidewalk. She is a blister on society, but she is incredibly quotable.
Here are a couple beauties...
(on the phone at 1:00pm on a beautiful Sunday) "My grandmother just called me a FUCKIN' WHORE! She accused me of sleeping with MY OWN GRANDFATHER!"
(on the phone while crying and drunk on the 4th of July) "I'm not a faggot, Daddy. You LOVE me!"
(at about 8:00am on a weekday, to no one in particular) "I wanna die. I can't take this no more! I'm gonna leave this world! I'M GOIN' TO MEET MY MOTHER!"
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We had a neighbor who had some mental issues and used to hang out in the back yard in the burned out frame of a minivan that he apparently lit on fire. Remember in the 80's they came out with battery powered headphones that tuned in AM/FM stations? Well he used to wear a pair over a bicycle helmet and then a clear plastic bag over the whole thing. He used to yell things whenever anyone came outside like "You ain't gettin' near these cigarettes!" Once I was behind him in line at the local convenience store and he paid for $22 worth of stuff with a 5 dollar bill and the rest in loose change.
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For 14 years, I've lived in apartments. In each one, I was either above, below or next to a loudly dysfunctional couple. It's my personal curse, I guess.
I've heard the same toilet talk over and over and over. I'm thinking about offering to help them hone their material.
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I had a neighbor who would call some lady friend on the phone at 2AM but would have her audio going through his stereo system which was backed up against my apartment wall. She was definitely not your standard lady friend.........
This thread definitely belongs in the Mike section... sorry Tom....
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all i hear my neighbors do is yell at their dog (on one side) and have intimate relations (on the other side). sometimes i get the latter on both sides.
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I've been lucky. Never had truly insane neighbors, but in my last apartment I had two half-crazy ones:
- We had a house party on a Saturday night, nothing outrageous, just some folks and not too loud music. At around 11 pm, neighbor #1 banged on the door. When we opened, he yelled, "Keep quiet! Normal people work in the morning!!". "On a Sunday, what are you, a priest?", we didn't answer.
- One of my bedroom walls was adjacent to the next apartment, and neighbor #2 used to constantly remind me how thin the wall was and how he could hear my every move (I never heard him or his girlfriend, which I figured said a lot about their love life - BOOM). One time he told me, "You know, we can hear you breathe in there!". I told him I would try and keep my breathing down.
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I used to hear my neighbor snoring when I lived in an apartment. The same neighbor was fond of the Macarena... in 2005...
I woke up this morning to the sound of Kenny screaming at his sisters at 6:30 in the morning. Loud enough that it actually woke me up. All I can hope for is that they can no longer afford their utilities and they eventually move out and sell the house to someone less scary. Well, that and when the utilities are shut off, they don't decide to start fires to keep warm.
City life isn't necessarily for me... I like the olden days when I had at least a patch of grass separating me from the crazies.
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not really a quote here, but an incident of note.
my senior year of HS, my folks moved into a new house, which was in a different neighborhood where each house was pretty much a car's-width from the next one. Their place was unfortunately next to two rentals, which usually were rented out to college kids but occasionally would board a few sketchy types.
There was this one guy living there for awhile who my brother called "Manson" (guess who he looked like). Anyway, one day my brother comes home from work and Manson and some pals are on the porch cooking on a hibatchi and drinking. No, they were not cooking up some tasty burgers or toasting marshmallows...
it was a fucking bat.
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Today I got to hear the Peeping Tom offering tax advice. Meaning if you guys don't have a tax guy yet, the guy dressed like a serial killer on my front porch still has a couple of slots available.
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No actual quotes but my neighbors have a very loud jam band. And they're terrible. You ever listen to musicians try to improvise and they're terrible at it? That's these guys. They sound like Steely Dan if Steely Dan were untalented teenagers just learning to play their instruments. The other night they played til midnight. Good times.
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We had a ranchero band begin in the garage next to our house. At first it was so bad that it was entertaining but over the course of a few months they became really good... at playing ranchero music which I found was not my favorite kind of music.
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My house mates are loud. I listen to white noise loudly on my headphones to drone them out so I can do work: http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/17023124
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Holy crap, I don't know where to begin in this thread.
Can I quote a mime-like action?
In the midst of an arguement regardiing the upkeep of my insane neighbor's property and his neighbor on the other side spanning several days, he began simply remaining silent whilst leaning forward almost to the point of falling over and pointing with an overly stretched out left arm toward the side of his long, white woodsiding house where he had painted the name and phone number of his lawyer in large sloppy black paint, presumably so he didn't have to speak anymore?
He's also kind of like a barely speaking male version of the simpson's cat lady from time to time.
A couple gems:
"You can slam your car door but can't knock on his?" - in response to a friend knocking on my front door after parking
"Hey. PSSST! Want some pants?... Black?...." - whisper-shouted across my driveway as I came home in the dark and in the rain late one night as my crazy neighbor offered me a pair of black jeans. I quietly declined, only to find rain soaked black jeans sitting on my steps in the morning.
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Well, that's just sweet. You ungrateful hound.
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My house mates are loud. I listen to white noise loudly on my headphones to drone them out so I can do work: http://free.napster.com/player/tracks/17023124
My roommate has a love affair with tv, which I can't stand. I keep music playing in my headphones constantly as well. It's a college dorm so we're squeezed in. He sometimes watches tv from across the dorm on his bed (top bunk), leading to roughly this configuration (let ---- be his eyeline):
Him -------- Me -------- TV
So I sit there, music turned way up, and having to block his view out from my peripheral vision because I always feel like he's watching everything I do when he's really just watching Whose Line is it Anyway. Needless to say, I'm glad this is my last semester.
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I haven't had a roommate since college, which I was done with by the time I was 20. I don't think I was meant to live with people I'm not in a romantic relationship with.
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The guy across the hall from me, waking me up shortly before 6 a.m.: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
Five seconds later: "LADY GAGA IS A MAN!"
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No actual quotes but my neighbors have a very loud jam band. And they're terrible. You ever listen to musicians try to improvise and they're terrible at it? That's these guys. They sound like Steely Dan if Steely Dan were untalented teenagers just learning to play their instruments. The other night they played til midnight. Good times.
To be fair, it's a very fine line between a competent jam band and a hundred apes pounding on instruments. The line being the fact that the primates will at least hold my attention for a few minutes.
My god I wish some apes would start a band.
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"If you want to sleep longer in the morning, you will have to talk to my children because i sure won't! I am so good with them right now! I am no going to be the bad guy again!"
- Mom next door with the 4 and 6 year old
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Okay, I have finally been convinced to do this:
http://twitter.com/My_Neighbors
For things my neighbor says.
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Oh my. I think people would be depressed if they read too many of my tweets. In large quantity my neighbors are more sad than funny.
This week it was just a piercing voice with a strong Bawlmer accent screaming "RONNIE, RONNIE, 'EY RONNIE" down the street. We live on a hill so it carries well.
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My neighbour is playing the harmonica really poorly even as I type this, but it's kind of cute. Or at least it will be until I want to go to sleep.
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"Yep. That tree easily dates back to the Civil War." [said moments before cutting down the giant, glorious maple between our houses]
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I'm not sure this is a quote really, but the only sound that carries from my downstairs neighbor is when he horks up chunks of smoker's lung in the mornings.
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I guess the oddest neighbor thing I've experienced happened when I was 10 years old. We lived in a tiny town deep in the old South, where everyone knew everyone, a visit to the library and post office happened on the same blck, etc. I unfortunately did not witness this, but one day as my parents and brother stood on our porch, a bloodied man limped/ran down our street, yelling and glancing behind him. Seconds after, a woman ran/limped down the street after him, yelling and waving a really big knife.
They called the po-lice, but never heard what went on. Domestic violence was pretty common in our area, though.
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this wins. put some roller skates on it and it wins at life.
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i've been feuding with a crew of local drug dealers who tried to set up shop in front of my family's home for the better part of a year now. i'll be the first to admit that i've been more than antagonistic in my dealings with them (hey, it's the philly way.) i've since toned it down in hopes of easing the tension on our street. the lead moron in charge has personally told me:
- "you'd better watch it or you'll end up on the side of a milk carton..." - i didn't have the heart to tell him they don't do that for missing adults. also, i hate milk.
- "yeah, well... all that glitters isn't gold..." he said this in response to me telling him he was "all talk" in terms of his badassness. i laughed so hard when he said it i was certain i was going to get punched for my response. the best i could muster was a laughter-riddled "you don't even know what that means!"
- "you should be thanking us - we're here protecting the people on this block" this was in response to my wife confronting him and his crew about their rowdy behavior, blatant drug dealing and disrespect.
there have also been many other, less quotable incidents. like the time he picked a metal shovel and hockey stick out of someone's garbage and tried to bludgeon his mother and brother with them in a dispute over $20. or when he got shot and refused medical treatment and the police nearly had to force him into the ambulance at gunpoint. and who could forget the time during our annual block party when, in another family dispute, he threw a cinderblock and beer bottle into a crowd of people nearly missing a group of small children.
one of the first times i ever called into the best show, i actually had to walk around the corner with my phone because he and his family were fighting so loudly i couldn't even hear mike screening my call. i can only imagine tom's reaction to the litany of swear words coming from the background on that call had i not found a better location.
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On moving into a place, oh so long ago, my upstairs neighbor goes "You like music? Yeah? That's cool. The great thing about the landlord? He's 97, completely deaf. Me and my surf band will play until 3 in the morning! Sometimes the house next door calls the cops. But they're bitches."
I also once heard, yelled through the door of their apartment, a neighbor say "You just piss where ever you want, you little freak." I think they were addressing their new puppy. They were really nice guys. Once they went to get groceries, bought an extra 30-rack of beer, left it in front of my door, immediately turned around and went to play a show, and left a note.
It read "Bought you guys some beer. Want to come up and chill? We'll be back at 1 AM. We're going to watch a movie."
t
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he threw a cinderblock and beer bottle into a crowd of people nearly missing a group of small children.
He didn't miss?
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That's what made it so hilarious.
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A few days before Christmas half of the radiators in our apartment go cold. It's -4 degrees Fahrenheit outside and forecasts said it would drop to -10 for the next week.
I complained to our 65-year-old chainsmoking landlady who lives across the hall that the two small electric space heaters (circa 1975) that she provided just weren't doing the job and our apartment was very cold, especially at night. I asked if the heating would be fixed by Christmas.
She said "no, it will be after the New Year."
As I became aware of our situation, my voice started to rise, echoing in the granite stairway. I said that that at least we needed more heaters and her "offer" of a 4500 watt industrial blower-heater (that they use to dry worksites out) wasn't going to work out.
"YOU ARE NEVER HAPPY!" She said, slamming her door.
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"You yell at my kid again and we're going to rumble."
I responded, "Rumble?" Went inside and played Link Wray.
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In some other "Quote Your Insane Neighbors" thread on some other board, that guy is at this moment posting about you, Fredericks.
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It was a woman who said it. She had a triathlete standing behind her though.
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he threw a cinderblock and beer bottle into a crowd of people nearly missing a group of small children.
He didn't miss?
my mistake fredericks. touché.
fredericks from new port richey: i wish you were my neighbor. oh, the adventures we'd have...
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The neighbors on one side are my grandparents, and the other my uncle.
I don't know where to start; it's like Everybody Loves Raymond: Southern Edition.