Best of Craigslist

[Laurie]

This is my favorite Craigslist entry ever. It's kind of dirty. Don't read it, Petey or August.

I have a simple request: Would someone like to come over to my place dressed in a long, beige trenchcoat, panama hat, and dark sunglasses, smoking a cigarette? When I open the door (I'll be wearing a polka-dotted dress and wiping my hands on an apron), you will be looking away. You will say, "Is the cake in the oven?" I will hang my head, fight back tears, and invite you in.

We shall move to the bedroom and I shall undress awkwardly, looking upset and ashamed. You will throw me up against the wall and I will scream "Maim me!" as you bite through my strand of cultured (but we'll pretend they're real) pearls, which will fall to the ground and scatter. You will think I've said "Mamie" (as in Eisenhower).

At this point, you will stroke my hair gently and become romantic and tender, renderng unto the First Lady the respect to which she is entitled. Slowly and carefully, you will rub your hand up my thigh. When you reach my genitalia and discover I am genetically male, you will fly into a rage and "rape" me (condoms and lube will be located in an antique snuff box at arm's length; please be discreet in procuring them).

Prior to climaxing, you will push me to the floor, remove your condom (again, discreetly), and ejaculate into my eyes. I will lie in a crumpled, sobbing heap at your feet, softly singing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." When your semen has dried my eyelashes together (this might take a while; I will have prepared a selection of cold cuts, assorted beverages, and glossy magazines for your entertainment), you will softly clean it out with a sponge dipped in warm milk.

You will hold me in your arms as we await the coming night. When (and whether?) we part again will be determined from that point.

Other than the above, I am not really looking for a specific "scene." Just a chill bro I can kick it with and see where things go.
Laterz

[Richard_From_CHI]

That is better than the last 4 books I read.

Genius.

[Eric]

....an antique snuff box at arm's length; please be discreet in procuring them).

Yea, I mean, we don't want to be crass or anything. It's called good taste.

This could be a great topic but prose this rich is probably pretty sparse on Craigslist. Good stuff, Laurie.

[Grimlock]

SPECIAL EFX artist needed to create LATEX ANUS for feature film

Reply to: gigs-274592199@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-02-06, 8:44PM EST


looking to build a latex anus for a scene in the upcoming feature film "chicken pox" (please visit http://www.chickenpoxthefilm.com for details).

the scene shows a very large man giving birth to a golden egg via his anus. the close up shot of the anus pushing/ squirting the egg out is what i am looking to create and shoot.

i have attempted the gag myself, so i understand the cost and overhead production of materials, etc. however, i am looking to have a more professional design to this VERY important scene.

the budget is very tight, but i am willing to consider any proposals.

if you contacted me before for this feel free to do so again.

thank you. i look forward to hearing from you.


Location: NYC
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

[PatrickChew]

Someone at my friends' old website, The Black Table, used to do a column called the Week in Craig. She would scour Craigslists from all over to find some gems. http://www.blacktable.com/archive/craigarchive.htm

Here's one of her favorites:

Dress like a bunny, poke a carrot in my butt - w4 - 26 (Garland Area) - w4 - 26

I have it all; a running car with a sunroof, a new laptop, an apartment with hardwood floors, and a job that makes me happy. But I'm missing one thing. I've always wanted someone to dress like a bunny and stick a carrot in me.
I am: 26, white, feminine, red/brown hair, emerald eyes, 5'4", thinnish, and natural 34C's.
You should be: 18-40, any race, sex, sexuality, or build.
The bunny costume need not be too original, maybe some face paint or a set of ears. Bonus points given to full on Easter style costumes and a tail. Points taken away if you dress like Frank from Donnie Darko, that shit freaks me out. I'll supply the lube and maybe the bag of carrots. Extra bonus points given if you actually grow your own in the backyard or whatever.
Preference given to those who send a picture of themselves in some sort of bunny costume. My place or yours--I'll give you beer, software, or a book from my small but growing library (hopefully you like science).
Thanks!
-C

[moonshake]

i don't know what this is:

Judge with penis pump

Reply to: info@kasperhauser.com
Date: 2007-02-04, 12:24PM PST

I heard you pumping your penis pump during my sentencing. Now I read in the paper that you are getting sentenced, too. Maybe we can meet up in the joint and pump our poles 2-gether?

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around OK

26467172

http://www.kasperhauser.com/khmc/archives/000132.html

[Richard_From_CHI]

The human capacity for wackiness never disappoints.

[kenkwan]

Montgomery Davies!

[Sarah]

. . . I'll supply the lube and maybe the bag of carrots.

Too cheap to guarantee that she'd provide her own carrots?  I am not impressed.

[Josh]

i don't know what this is:

Judge with penis pump

Reply to: info@kasperhauser.com
Date: 2007-02-04, 12:24PM PST

I heard you pumping your penis pump during my sentencing. Now I read in the paper that you are getting sentenced, too. Maybe we can meet up in the joint and pump our poles 2-gether?

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around OK

26467172

http://www.kasperhauser.com/khmc/archives/000132.html

That's the comedy group Kasper Hauser's fake Craigslist KHraigslist. Their hilarious book is called SkyMaul.


 - - - - - -

Oh, and I loved Amy's Week in Craig, P. Nut Chew!

[Tyrannosaurus Rocks]

(this might take a while; I will have prepared a selection of cold cuts, assorted beverages, and glossy magazines for your entertainment)

This is the best part of the whole thing. Holy crap that's hit the nail on the head of funny.

[Fido]

Other than the above, I am not really looking for a specific "scene." Just a chill bro I can kick it with and see where things go.
Laterz

The last line and closing of that message was such a complete non sequitur, it cracked me up.  "Laterz"... right.

Very amusing piece of writing there.