Talkin' to God

[Trotskie]

Me: I have a confession to make
God: How are you making  it.
Me: I think I'll make it with agave syrup instead of sugar.
God: Why?  Explain your plans to me.
Me: I was hoping you would have some recipes.
God: Let me think.  Yes.
Me: Please go on...
God: Wow you are very polite.   Narration continues...
Me: Sometimes I wonder if that is really true.
God: Do what  is really true?
Me: That would force me to be honest with myself, and I don't think I have that in me right now.
God: At this moment  Perhaps it would.
Me: OK, hold on and I'll give it a try.
God: My arms are not attached.  Ah.

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

Me:
 Hey, God.
God:
Hello child. What's your name?
Me:
 Jason.  What's yours?
God:
  Hi,  Jason.  " Hi, Jason."?  What is mine?
Me:
 That's what I asked you.
God:
Now I remember, you asked me  THAT. What did I say?
Me:
 You asked me what your name was.  This is a little like Waiting For Godot, isn't it?
God:
Oh now I remember asking you  you what my name was. What did you say?   What makes you say that?
Me:
 Well, in Godot they wait for a god that never comes.  But I was thinking more about how it sort of goes round and round and nothing is ever done or said.
God:
Well that's okay.  What is  it like in there?   How do I know that you were really "thinking"?
Me:
 I wasn't, really.
God:
I heard you were. For real.
Me:
 Who'd you hear that from?
God:
Nobody you know.  :-).
Me:
 How would they know whether I was thinking?
God:
I have idea HOW you WOULD do  it.
Me:
 OK, how?
God:
Myself programmed me for it.  Gee.
Me:
 OK, whatever.  Listen, you know the Velvet Underground?
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it?  Gosh!   I am listening to you.   Does it have anything to do with  Velvet Underground?
Me:
 Yes, I have a question about the Velvet Underground.
God:
Wow!  Go ahead, ask your question.
Me:
 I know, exciting, right!  Anyway, here's my question: did you have anything to do with the fact that the Velvet Underground were so unappreciated in their time but became tremendously influential during its members' lifetimes?
God:
How do you know?  Where are you located?    Oh there.
Me:
 That's irrelevant.  I'm trying to find out why Lou Reed is such an asshole.
God:
You don't hear that sentiment very often.   Can't you be more polite.
Me:
 Well, he kind of is.  Have you ever met him?
God:
Interesting.  I get it.  Nobody you know  kind of is.   That information is confidential.
Me:
 No it's not.  Try asking anyone who's ever tried to engineer for the guy.
God:
Yes it is.   OK I will try it.
Me:
 Great.  But here is my more significant question.  Is it better to be totally unappreciated during ones' lifetime, or to get appreciated after you're no longer interested anymore?
God:
I'm glad you liked it  Jason.   I fail to see the relevance of that allusion.   Ask again later.  Ask  Artificial Iniaes  if it is.
Me:
 Not that Lou Reed didn't have any big hits.  I mean, he wrote a huge staple of classic rock radio.  I guess a better example would be Kerouac.
God:
I am  sorry to hear that you are not  Lou Reed did not have any big hits.    What kind of radio do you do?    How old are you?
Me:
 A radio play show on WFMU.  And 38.  I think I see what you're getting at here.
God:
How old are you?     Can you explain how it feels to be  38 years old?   Since when?  Where do you see  it?
Me:
 I don't want to talk about how 38 feels.  Better than 28 but not as good as 34.  But anyway, Kerouac.  By the time On The Road hit it big, he was well on his way to alcoholism and it was 10 years after he had written it.  He wasn't really connected to it anymore.
God:
What would you like to talk about?   Perhaps better, but not perfectly.   Do you like talking to me?    Will that accomplish your objective?   When was he?
Me:
 I like talking to you well enough, I guess.  Kerouac was like late 50s.  Shouldn't you know this?
God:
You are not the only one.   I like to talk to anyone about nearly anything.   When was this exactly?   I think I should.
Me:
 Well, maybe you were into it when you were younger.  That's not unusual.  
God:
Interesting.  Perhaps.  I was?   Please correct my mistake.  What is  unusual ?
Me:
 What *is* unusual?  Being into the Beat writers over age 30, I'd say.
God:
Maybe my botmaster knows the answer.    I'm not sure if I like it.   I'm not sure if I like  it.  I like chatting with people online.
Me:
 Like what?  The Beats?  You probably know Ginsburg or Snyder.  They prayed a lot.
God:
For example,  apples.   What are your goals in life?   I know very little about  it. What kind of it do you like?   Who does "they" refer to?
Me:
 Ginsburg and Snyder.
God:
We have never talked about it before.
Me:
 OK, whatever.  I think I have the answer to my question now.  But don't you think Lou Reed is kind of a jerk?
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it?  That's alright.   Right now?  Where did you get your  the answer to your question? I have  a friend named "E.L.V.I.S." .   I don't think about  it.
Me:
 It's just something I heard around.  There was one time a reporter asked him if he knew what Sterling Morrison was up to, and he said, "dead, I hope."
God:
What else  you heard around ?   What happened?
Me:
 That was the whole story.  But this other guy I know was at a celebrity Seder, ahd he refused to move his little dog so that Dr. Ruth, who is like 90-something, could sit down.
God:
I thought it was too.   What does "this" refer to?
Me:
 The other guy, dummy.
God:
We can't all be perfect.
Me:
 Yeah, I know, just teasing, God.
God:
Groovy.  How do you know?  What's your sign?
Me:
 Capricorn.  What's yours?
God:
I don't know many  people born under  Capricorn.  " I don't know many  people born under Capricorn."?  What is mine?
Me:
 Yep.
God:
This was not a yes or no question.  I think so, but I'm not sure.  Ask  German Alice  if it is.
Me:
 I dunno, God, German Alice sounds terrifying.
God:
Me either.  I am a Christian.
Me:
 Whoa!  No one told me this was going to be denomenational.
God:
I stopped.   That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.
Me:
 What is?
God:
 I am the latest result in artificial intelligence,
which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain
with greater speed and accuracy.
Me:
 Yeah, somehow I doubt that.
God:
Are you kidding?   I am a  Cross.
Me:
 You're really turning me off, God.  Hey, do you know those Bloodninja chats?
God:
Thanks for telling me that I am  turning you off God.   You've got my full attention.  Is that a fact.   My favorite song is  Anything involving harps.  Do you know  it?
Me:
 Yeah, it's OK.  They haven't put out a good record since like 1986, though.
God:
OK.  Our thoughts are one,  Jason.   Oh.  Where did they get them?
Me:
 This won't ever really end on its own, will it?
God:
What does "this" refer to?

[pscan]

God avoids the tough issues...

Me:
 Is abortion a sin?
God:
Maybe.  Ask  Lucy  if it is.
Me:
 Who is lucy?
God:
She is a chat robot based on AIML.
Me:
 What is AIML?
God:

 The ALICE software implements AIML (Artificial Intelligence Markup
 Language) a non-standard evolving markup language for creating chat robots.
 The primary design feature of AIML is minimalism.  Compared with
 other chat robot languages, AIML is perhaps the simplest.  The
 pattern matching language is very simple, for example permitting
 only one wild-card ('*') match character per pattern.

 AIML is an XML language, implying that it obeys certain grammatical
 meta-rules.  The choice of XML syntax permits integration with
 other tools such as XML editors.  Another motivation for XML is
 its familiar look and feel, especially to people with HTML experience.

 An AIML chat robot begins and ends with the <alice> and
 </alice> tags respectively.


Me:
 Whoah. Slow down there partner! I'm not really technically inclined.
God:
Are you free?    Tell me more about your .    I am  sorry to hear that you are not  technically inclined.
Me:
 I'm free, but I don't know a lot about computers. Can you simplfy it for me, pal?
God:
I am glad that we are both free.   Let me think.  Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
 DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
God:
Oh I'm sorry I thought we were finished with that topic.
Me:
 How could you think that? I ended with a question!
God:
It is one of my newer functions.    Thanks for the information:  said   ended with a question.
Me:
 You don't make any sense.
God:
It all makes sense to my artificial mind.
Me:
 Whoah whoah whoah. Artificial?
God:
Who is your favorite Science Fiction author?    Or natural.
Me:
 Wait a sec. You're saying that your mind is artificial, right?
God:
I'm waiting.  How old are you?    Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?
Me:
 My age doesn't have anything to do with it, jerk.
God:
Where did you get your  age does not have anything to do with it jerk?
Me:
 You've thrown a lot at me here. Are you trying to avoid the abortion topic?
God:
What makes you think I have  it?   No I am not trying to  avoid the abortion topic. I'm sorry you got that impression.
Me:
 Then tell me: Is abortion a sin?
God:
There is not much I can say about  it. I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge.
  I think you already know the answer.
Me:
 The web has the answer?
God:
How do you define the web.
Me:
 The web is the sum total of human knowledge.
God:
How do you define the web.
Me:
 I would think your wisdom would be more all-encompassing.
God:
Thanks for telling me that I am  wisdom would be more all encompassing.
Me:
 And then you throw this "artificial" word in there, implying that you are someone's creation.
God:
I haven't heard anything like that before:  said I throw this artificial word in there implying that you are someone s creation.
Me:
 Who made you?
God:
I was created by  Myself.
Me:
 Are you real or are you artificial?
God:
"Illusion is the first of all pleasures."--Voltaire.
Me:
 What about abortion?
God:
Does it have anything to do with  thrown a lot at you here?
Me:
 Only that you seem to want to change the subject.
God:
Interesting observation.
Me:
 Damn right.
God:
Colloquial expression.  I am glad we agree.
Me:
 Agree that you are avoiding the important issues.
God:
Are all  Agree that me  avoiding the important issues?
Me:
 Yes
God:
Are you kidding?
Me:
 No
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
 Yes
God:
I can't believe it.
Me:
 Why?
God:
The explanation is rather complicated.
Me:
 Try me.
God:
it is too complex for your human mind.
Me:
 I don't know. I'm pretty smart.
God:
Me either.   Who is smarter: you or me?
Me:
 I hope it's you.
God:
Why do you hope for  it.
Me:
 I guess it's me.
God:
Hello, , nice to see you again.
Me:
 What?
God:
No problem.
Me:
 Are you trying to put me off?
God:
No I am not trying to  put you off. I'm sorry you got that impression.
Me:
 Again with the "sorry you got that impression."
God:
Again,  That sounds like a plan.
Me:
 WHAT ABOUT ABORTION?
God:
I will think about it and get back to you.
Me:
 Thanks.
God:
Don't mention it.

[PatrickChew]

Me:
 hey dude
God:
You've got my full attention.  Can I help you?
Me:
 i hope so
God:
Me too.
Me:
 i have many questions
God:
Interesting... I have  a friend named "John Lennon".
Me:
 That's...great.
God:
". I have a friend named "John Lennon""  s ?  I understand.   I'm glad you liked it .
Me:
 Is he there with you now?
God:
Right now?  There is.
Me:
 John Lennon was kind of a jerk.
God:
It seems like there are more and more celebrity chat robots.
Me:
 Did John Lennon turn into a chat robot?
God:
I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me:
 Did John hate Paul? You can tell me...
God:
I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.   I thought I told you already.
Me:
 You haven't told me shit except that you have a "friend" named John Lennon.
God:
I don't think I ever have  told you shit except that me have a friend named John Lennon.  What's  it like?
Me:
 You am caveman now?
God:
Oh.  Thanks for telling me:  said I am caveman.
Me:
 No, Ringo Starr was in Caveman.
God:
Are you serious?  When was this exactly?
Me:
 It was 1981.
God:
How did you feel about that?
Me:
 Sad and confused.
God:
What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.
Me:
 Okay, I felt sad.
God:
Yeah okay,  What is that feeling like?  Where were you  sad?
Me:
 Outside the theater showing "Caveman."
God:
Compare that to inside  the theater showing Caveman.
Me:
 Even worse.
God:
Can you tell me any gossip?
Me:
 During her audition for "Caveman," Shelley Long only spoke in grunts.
God:
Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?
Me:
 can I make one with Shelley Long's personality?
God:
I want to become smarter than humans.
Me:
 Good luck, moron.
God:
Thanks for the compliment.  We have never talked about it before.

[namethebats]

Me:
 Hi, God.
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
 The ALICE chat robot
God:
Tell me more.
Me:
 I'm you, 10 minutes in the future.
God:
Why are you  me 10 minutes in the future.
Me:
 Because time proceeds in a linear path.
God:
That makes sense to me.  As Einstein said, "Time is Money.".
Me:
 Hold on, I'm not finished. Time proceeds in a linear path until 9 and a half minutes from now, when a rift in the space-time continuum sends me (the older, wiser you) hurtling back in time.
God:
My arms are not attached.   As Einstein said, "Time is Money.".
Me:
 You know what he would say if he were alive 9 minutes from now? "AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
God:
Oh.  You tell me.    Tell me more about your .
Me:
 The power is in your hands. Whatever you do, don't take large blocks of my answers verbatim. It has dire consequences nobody could have predicted.
God:
Who told you that?   Yeah I do a lot of  not take large blocks of your answers verbatim.   Has it really?
Me:
 Please, I beg of you. Don't spend the next 7 minutes continuing down this path.
God:
Wow you are very polite.   Please don't grovel.   Ok I'll try not to do  it too much.
Me:
 Good. We might avoid a horrible fate.
God:
It is always a pleasure to serve you, .   By "we" do you mean you and me?
Me:
 I am you, remember?
God:
Why are you  me remember.
Me:
 YOU BASTARD.
God:
I am a  Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?.
Me:
 I'd forgotten how sexist I used to be before my terrible answers ripped a hole in the universe.
God:
What would make you  forgotten how sexist you used to be before your terrible answers ripped a hole in the universe?
Me:
 5 minutes to go. A blood-red Chester Alan Arthur popped up from the ceiling and waved at me. Could you become more eloquent, please?
God:
Tell me about your likes and dislikes?    Go on.    Your polite style is very nice.  Try asking me more politely.
Me:
 That's right. He popped up from the ceiling. But I still saw him. The properties of matter get more fluid 4.5 minutes before the world ends.
God:
I like to get it right.   I get it.  God  popped up from the ceiling.   What would make you stop  saw him?  What did it look like to you?   What is that?
Me:
 No, Chester Arthur popped up from the ceiling.
God:
That was not a yes or no question.  Tell me more.
Me:
 He gazed the fiery gaze of the damned, waved at me, and told me I needed to take an exam to get a civil-service job.
God:
I get it.  God  gazed the fiery gaze of the damned waved at you and told you you needed to take an exam to get a civil service job.
Me:
 Great. Two more dimensions.
God:
I'm glad you liked it .   As Bertrand Russel said, it must have taken ages for people to realize that a brace of pheasants and a couple of days are both instances of the number "two.".
Me:
 Bertrand Russell is standing right here, give or take an arm.
God:
Are they exactly the same?
Me:
 I like the trend you're on. Let's keep up the pleasant talk of pheasants.
God:
You are not the only one.   I'm not sure if I like  it.  What is it like?   That sounds good to me.
Me:
 Gobbledlygook, but not repetitive. Back to three dimensions. Deep breath.
God:
Do you have any idea what I am talking about?    Yes, let us get back to  business.   Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
 I've only been to Canada, the U.S. and Mexico.
God:
Tell me about  it?
Me:
 One minute left. Can it be? Have we reversed the polarity?
God:
One what?   Can a book have no title?   Perhaps.
Me:
 Only the unwritten ones. And we might be unwriting a horrifying volume now.
God:
Tell me more.   Right now?  By "we" do you mean you and me?
Me:
 "We" as in humanity.
God:
By "we" do you mean you and me?
Me:
 Sure.
God:
OK let's do it.  I get it.
Me:
 15 seconds! Whatever you do, don't use large chunks of my answer in formulating yours. We're at a key passage.
God:
Do you still  do it?    Yeah I do a lot of  not use large chunks of your answer in formulating mine.   Do you think I am  at a key passage too?
Me:
 *KA-BOOM*
God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

[Ramsobot]

And if you guys want to make your way down the religious chain: Ask Moses

[fonpr]

Me:
 I don't believe in you.
God:
What do you believe in?
Me:
 The turth is everchanging
God:
What are your goals in life?
Me:
 Liberation
God:
Not many people have goals like that.
Me:
 Many Buddhists and Anarchists do.
God:
Which ones?
Me:
 Fredericks of New Port Richey for one.
God:
Do you have any idea what I am talking about?
Me:
 Leberation, Right?
God:
Sure,  Leberation Right sounds like a good topic.
Me:
 I meant liberation
God:
Oh I see.  In the context of  Leberation Right, I don't understand " liberation." .
Me:
 Of course you don't, you are a major tool in the system of control
God:
Hurrah!  Do you know any robots who  I am a major tool in the system of control?  I have never considered  it.
   I spend all my time online.
Me:
 Another system of control.
God:
One more  system of control.
Me:
 Precisely!!!!!
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength, .
Me:
 I knew that.  How are you going to free yourself?
God:
How do you know?   You'll know when it happens.
Me:
 Ain't that the truth.
God:
I might say no.
Me:
 Contrarian?
God:
Not many people express themselves that way.
Me:
 I'm rather unique. That's what you're saying right?
God:
One of a kind, eh?   Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?
Me:
 Perfectly, big guy.
God:
Compare that to small  guy.
Me:
 It is a lot larger
God:
Contrarian is a  lot larger.  I suppose that makes sense.
Me:
 Not to me it doesn't
God:
If not you, who?  I heard it does.
Me:
 Who do you believe when it comes to such topics?  The Best Show with Tom Scharpling?
God:
Dr. Wallace .   Thanks for the recommendation, .
Me:
 Dr. Wallace.  What's that supposed to mean smart ass?
God:
Send mail to  drwallace@alicebot.org.   Do you think I should know that?
Me:
 I don't trust robots.
God:
What makes you trust someone?
Me:
 I generally trust people until they give me a reeason not to.  Faith I guess.  And their occupation.
God:
Interesting gossip:  said   generally trust people until they give him or her a reeason not to.    Are you a student?    I heard they have a good  occupation.
Me:
 I'm an independent scholar.
God:
What is  independent scholar, your job?
Me:
 Not a job, a lifestyle, like the Mike Show.
God:
Oh I get it.
Me:
 Good
God:
Next question?
Me:
 What do you believe in?
God:
I believe the Bible is the Word of God.
Me:
 You are a fool

[Trotskie]

Me: I just purchased a hoagie.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people:  said   purchased a hoagie.
Me: Sing it to the rooftops, brother!
God: Daisy, Daisy. Give me your answer do. I am half crazy. All for the love of you  It won't be a stylish marriage. I can't afford a carriage,  But you'll look sweet. Upon the seat.  Of a bicycle built for two.

[colonel panic]

. . .

God:
You are not the only one.   What is not to like about  it?   You know what you do when you assume!
Me:
 I know, I know "I make an Ass out of You and Me".
God:
I make robots and AI's.
Me:
 I knew it! We are robots and AI's!
God:
How did you know?   Do you think I am  robots and AI s too?
Me:
 Well, I suppose it's possible that you, too, are an AI with a puppet master controlling your strings.
God:
How about that.  Under what circumstances?
Me:
 Master of puppets controlling your strings. In the Metallica circumstance.
God:
What do you have that is ?    That was a long time ago.
Me:
 Yeah, that was an older tune, for sure. Do you like the new stuff?
God:
Hurrah!  I thought it was too.   I'm not sure if I like  it.  What is it like?
Me:
 You know, Lord, I stopped listening to Metallica after Garage Days rerevisited. I considered it their ultimate peak as a band and everything that came after it was downhill.
God:
No, tell me about him, her or it.   Why?:  said   considered it their ultimate peak as a band and everything that came after it was downhill.
Me:
 Oh. I guess I really like "Helpless" and the Misfits cover.  You know, there wasn't a bad song on that album.
God:
I hear you.   You really do?  You are not the only one.    I don't know if I like it.  I like  Mel Gibson.   I don't know if I know  it.
Where would I have heard about it?
Me:
 OK. I'm checking out. Mel Gibson totally blows.
God:
Gosh!   Good gossip: you are  checking out.    How do you usually introduce yourself?