Open Letters to People Who Will Never Read Them.

[christine]

Admittedly, I'm stealing this idea from the kids over at the Last Plane to Jakarta boards, but only because I like it so much.

Ehem.

Dear TV's Danny Masterson,

Congratulations on being a complete factory wrapped douche.  As much as I wholeheartedly enjoy being talked down to at my workplace, I should point out that I do, in fact, know how to do my job, and while I understand that you are from Hollywood and thereby Very Important and Famous, there are still some things I need to ask you before you bring your entourage into my club field-trip styleee.  In the future, please take a chill pill and try not to be an utter snot to people who are just trying to help you.  And maybe inform your friends that repeatedly paying with $100 bills is not so cool.

Also, sunglasses in a dark rock club, WTF?

All the best,
Christine

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Dear Grad School,

Can you please remind me why I applied to you again?  Because I'm starting to feel like you are the worst idea I've ever had. 

Signed,
Disillusioned

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Dear Boy I Like,

Let's make out again, yeah?  Like tonight?

Respectfully yours,
Christine

[Emily]

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Dear Grad School,

Can you please remind me why I applied to you again?  Because I'm starting to feel like you are the worst idea I've ever had. 

Signed,
Disillusioned

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Hear, hear. I wish oh how i wish i could just return this purchase.

[erika]

i love these open letters. those "kids" probably took the idea from mcsweeneys:

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/openletters/

[Jason]

Dear Boy I Like,

Let's make out again, yeah?  Like tonight?

Respectfully yours,
Christine.

Family Guy is on.
Maybe tuesday.

[erika]

I wrote this two years ago:

An Open Letter to My Exquisite, Attention-Deprived Cat

Dear Sasha:

Allow me to begin by stating that I truly appreciate the unconditional love that you provide regularly. That said, I have some issues that I feel we should address, if we are to further our relationship and continue our pleasant cohabitation:

While I am comforted by your warm, purring presence in my bed each night, I do not feel that we need to sleep in as close proximity as you may believe. You see, you weigh 14 lbs, and so when you sleep (or walk) directly on my hip each night, my rest is frequently interrupted by sharp, painful spasms. You may be doing permanent damage, and I suggest you consider taking advantage of the other half of the generous double bed we share.

In addition, I find it intrusive that you insist on awkwardly wrestling your way into my lap each morning as I check my email (or any other time that I am at the computer). Perhaps you have some abandonment issues that have not been resolved since your days as a kitten.

I've come to the conclusion that if I were a marsupial with a pouch, you’d gladly reside there year round. This fact makes me uneasy and, quite frankly, I think you should work on developing a better sense of independence. No self-respecting mammal requires they be physically attached to their mother/protector/leader in order to function.

I hope I've communicated to you clearly in this letter, and that it doesn't come across as disrespectful. (I am often afraid that there is something obscuring our lines of communication; It's as if you don't truly comprehend where I am coming from.)

With LOVE,

Erika


PS. Please stop eating so quickly. The food is not going to vanish and I'm tired of tending to your “Scarf-n-Barf”. I'm beginning to think you have an eating disorder!

[Laurie]

Dear TV's Danny Masterson,

Congratulations on being a complete factory wrapped douche.

Also, how's that Scientology business working out for you, Danny Masterson?

[christine]

Dear TV's Danny Masterson,

Congratulations on being a complete factory wrapped douche.

Also, how's that Scientology business working out for you, Danny Masterson?

Seriously, I pretty much had to force myself not to ask that.

[Josh]

Hey jerks,

You're looking at the message board. You see I'm in the chat. CHAT WITH ME.

[Laurie]

Dear TV's Danny Masterson,

Congratulations on being a complete factory wrapped douche.

Also, how's that Scientology business working out for you, Danny Masterson?

Seriously, I pretty much had to force myself not to ask that.

Dear Jenna Elfman,

I have never raped a baby.

xoxo,
Laurie

[TL]

Dear TV's Danny Masterson,

Congratulations on being a complete factory wrapped douche.

Also, how's that Scientology business working out for you, Danny Masterson?

Seriously, I pretty much had to force myself not to ask that.

Dear Jenna Elfman,

I have never raped a baby.

xoxo,
Laurie

 
That is so weird.  It's almost like she's saying, "...'Cause until you HAVE, you have NO idea what Scientology's like!"

[Richard_From_CHI]

Dear Ms. Spears,

Please knock it off, all of it, you are clogging up what could otherwise be semi-useful news coverage.

Also, I'll happily send you some undies. Seriously.

Richard

[Laurie]

Dear TV's Danny Masterson,

Congratulations on being a complete factory wrapped douche.

Also, how's that Scientology business working out for you, Danny Masterson?

Seriously, I pretty much had to force myself not to ask that.

Dear Jenna Elfman,

I have never raped a baby.

xoxo,
Laurie

 
That is so weird.  It's almost like she's saying, "...'Cause until you HAVE, you have NO idea what Scientology's like!"

Jenna actually employed standard Scientology tactics:

[youtube=425,350]http://youtube.com/watch?v=pPol_m8wm8Y[/youtube]

The craziness starts around the two minute mark.

[Tim K in DC]

What are you afraid of, Laurie?

[John Junk]

Dear TV's Danny Masterson,

Congratulations on being a complete factory wrapped douche.

Also, how's that Scientology business working out for you, Danny Masterson?

Seriously, I pretty much had to force myself not to ask that.

Dear Jenna Elfman,

I have never raped a baby.

xoxo,
Laurie

This link you give is like a battle between two warring factions of classic deluded Hollywood Douche-bags.  Someone needs to throw both parties under a bus along with Mickey Dolenz.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't a white guy just so I wouldn't have to be associated with these types.  I hope this Roeckner clown gets beat up in West Hollywood for making fun of being gay.

Edit:  the "link" I refer to above is the Roeckner vs. Elfman thing.
        the video clip is a whole other kind of scary.  I don't see how a church that's "clean and ethical" gets off accusing people of being child molesters. 

P.S.--I saw a Juliette and the Licks album on prominent display at Amoeba Hollywood and I wanted to turn the place into a carwash.

[TL]

Jenna actually employed standard Scientology tactics:

That actually really scared me.  So that's a "thing" that they do?  Accuse you of crimes?  Or ask you what bizzare crimes YOU'VE committed? 
Also, what a classic "tough guy when your friends are around" scene.  The three of of those dudes seemed so ready for a fight, but could you imagine any one of them acting that aggro if he was on his own?  The last time I felt like I felt while just watching that video, I was being followed as I tried to get away from a fight I was trying to actually get away from by three guys who weren't actually in the fight, saying, "Get the hell out of here," and shoving me, while I kept saying, "I'm trying to!  YOU keep following ME!!"  It's not a good feeling!