Is Commerce Bank A Cult?

[Forrest]

Seriously, what the hell? I've always noticed how extra cheerful their employees were whenever I went into a branch. Fine. That's good service. That's cool.

But for the past two nights, my place of work has been home to a private event called the Commerce Bank Wow! Awards. It's just like a regular awards ceremony, but with categories like 'Best Regional Middle-Management Rep' and musical performances by their bank tellers. And this crowd of 500 or so employees is the most ebullient group of people I've ever seen. The break out in random conga lines! They're up on their feet screaming whan an Elvis impersonator says "there's no place like Commerce." (I don't get it either.) And, unusually, the is no alcohol at this event. All of the employees of the venue have noticed how weird the atmosphere is, and there have been multiple mentions of kool-aid.

Does anyone know what's up with this?

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

Forrest, are you part of a guerrilla marketing campaign?

I don't know about this - maybe it's cultlike management techniques (such as: http://www.amazon.com/Corporate-Cults-Insidious-All-Consuming-Organization/dp/0814404936/ref=sr_1_1/104-1629376-1342345?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191690523&sr=1-1), or maybe they're actually nice to their employees.

I heard this story once, second-hand - an actor who was also a Starbucks employee was grumpy at work, and was taken aside by a manager, asked if everything was OK, and given free sample packs of some antidepressants.  Anyone else heard similar stories?  Even if it's apocryphal, it's a good one.

[Sarah]

It's good to know Starbucks managers are qualified to dispense drugs.  And I'm sure the (possibly fictional) fellow in question was careful to make sure his down-in-the-dumps underling wasn't taking anything else that would result in adverse drug interactions.

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

Sarah, are you in the UK, or Canada, or some crazy place where they have silly things like "laws" to protect workers and consumers?

If actual MDs aren't following up on questions like those, well, I wouldn't expect it of a (possibly fictional) Starbucks manager (who, incidentally, was a woman in the version that I heard).

[Sarah]

Sarah, are you in the UK, or Canada, or some crazy place where they have silly things like "laws" to protect workers and consumers?

Only in my dreams, Jasongrote.  Only in my dreams.  Except when I'm living in a magical place called Sarahland, where everything, of course, is perfect.

I've been running for god for years, actually, and have accumulated quite a number of votes (or at least potential signatures on a petition to file my candidacy).  My spiel is simple:  if "God" is all powerful, all wise, all knowing, all good, etc., then if I'm elected I will automatically acquire these characteristics as part of the trappings of the office and do a super job.  Surprisingly few people rebuff me when I put my case this way.

In a universe where I was "God," there'd be no need for antidepressants, even for Starbucks employees.

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

I realized not long after I posted this that you were based in Lubec, jewel of the Northeast. Suspiciously close to Canada, though Maine has some Deep-South level class inequality.

You have my vote, as long as I can get one frappucino a year, or a reasonable facsimile thereof (milkshake + espresso = fine with me).

[Forrest]

There's no guerilla advertising on my part. To make this point clear:

I am terrified of Commerce bank employees.

I do suspect drugs may be involved, and I do suspect that they treat their employees really well. Too well, maybe. The day you're as excited about your company's corporate get-together as you would be seeing your favorite band, something is horribly amiss.