Toilet talk

[Laurie]

I have always hated the following little poem:

If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Be a sweetie
And wipe the seatie

The most annoying part of that poem, I think, is "seatie," I think. These little poems are occasionally posted in bathrooms frequented by disgusting hosebeasts who can't be bothered to sop up their own piss.

So, I sat down and spent two minutes of my precious time writing up a brand new poem, one that isn't so cloying and cutesy. Enjoy, and ladies? Feel free to use this one, especially if you include totally inappropriate MS Word clip art and use your workplace copy machine to mass produce it.

If you spray
When you spread
Wipe it down
Or you're dead

[bruce]

Gee the one I've always remembered was:

No matter how much you shake and dance..
Those last few drops still go down your pants.


Oh the days of going to sleep away camp.

[Grimlock]

Me dear pappy taught me this gem:

Anyone can piss on the floor.

Be a hero, and shit on the ceiling.

Here's one I just wrote:

If from yer parts there fall some urine
That doesn't clean the porceline fair
Use some paper, on the spindle
Or I'll wipe me wet arse in ye old hair

[moonshake]

here i sit all broken hearted
came here to shit but only farted

[Grimlock]

here i sit all broken hearted
came here to shit but only farted

I had a friend who used to sing that song with a deep, Hank Williams-type twang.

Heeere I sit, BRO-kin HEAR-ted
Came to shit, but ONLY farrrrrrted

I don't know it I can pass it along with doo dee doos, but one of the most infectious grooves of all time.


Do deee dooo DOOOO de DOOO de doo doo
Do dee doo, doo dee do de do

[Andy]

If I sit in your pee
When I sit down to poo
I'll take a sharp knife
And castrate you.

I should have been a poet.

[Grimlock]

If I sit in your pee
When I sit down to poo
I'll take a sharp knife
And castrate you.

I should have been a poet.

Right back atcha

If when I squat, in a womenish manner
To release from my bladder a liquid green matter
And on my rump, I feel not the cold of a seat
But a sticky brown mess that reeks like a dead mans feet
I shall remind you once more, that if there's a splatter
To remove offending offal, or taste the bite of my rapier

1663: John Donne: The Gentleman Pisser

Another gem:

Toilet Toilet, Sparkling White
In the Gleam of the Moonlight
What fateful Hand or Eye
Missed the target and pissed on your porceline symmetry?

The Scat-pocalypse of William Blake
(I'll try to track down the woodcutting)

Passing Time
    
Your skin like dawn
Mine like musk

One paints the beginning
of a certain end.

The other, the end of a
sure beginning.

Maya Angelou

( I think that that one was written from the perspective of the toilet)

[bruce]

up next a debate:

Sit and fold or Stand and Crinkle


Yes the thread has hit a really low mark now.

[Laurie]

up next a debate:

Sit and fold or Stand and Crinkle


Yes the thread has hit a really low mark now.

I have no idea what that means.

[Grimlock]

Low point you say?

I heard a guy on the Jim Gehrheardt (spelling?) say that he dips the toilet paper IN THE TOILET and then wipes, to ensure maximun cleanliness.

[Andy]

If you pee on the seat,
I will not pout,
I'll just stab your neck
Then rape your mouth.

I'm on a roll.

[Sarah]

My father is the better man--
He does not feel unmanned when
He stoops to sit to spare his dam
The chore of pointless cleanup . . . Men!
 

[Laurie]

up next a debate:

Sit and fold or Stand and Crinkle


Yes the thread has hit a really low mark now.

I have no idea what that means.

Okay, I've been informed that this is about wiping. I was certain it was about something manly, like foreskin.

[bobby.]

One of the chaps who brought my year on a school trip when we were little distributed this gem:

If it's yellow, let it mellow.
If it's brown, flush it down.

[Grimlock]

HahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Poop.