Author Topic: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems  (Read 3264 times)

Petey

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Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« on: July 07, 2008, 01:55:37 PM »
As a preface, Geoffrey has stated that he should send this article to Keith Oberman to get the word out to people, as well as Matt Drudge, in order to "change his tune." I do not have any association with this fine work of art. With that said, enjoy Geoffrey's warning to the american people. (adapted from a chain email)

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THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER (MODERN VERSION)

The middle class ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The rich grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter the over worked ant falls ill and is rushed to the hospital, diagnosis brain cancer.

The insurance company categorizes the ant’s brain cancer as a preexisting condition and refuses to pay. The hospital bills the ant for 2 million dollars.

The ant has trouble recalling his hospital visit, but expects his son home soon to straighten all this out.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper knocks on the ant’s door looking for payment.
The grasshopper father, as it turns out, owns several hospitals.

The ant offers to hand over his winter supplies to the grasshopper in partial payment for the hospital bill.
The grasshopper demands full payment and orders the sheriff to confiscate the ant’s house and his winter supplies.

The homeless ant builds a small outdoor fire, using the last of the wood his son chopped.
His son will be home soon, the ant thinks wistfully.

As the last of the embers dies, a military truck drives by, tossing his son’s body bag into the winter air.
The ant gathers his son by his side, attempting to shelter his son from the icy wind.

The ant’s heart warms with his son so near, but soon the ant meets his moments end.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC rush to Paris Hilton side as she announces her marriage to the grasshopper.  Hospital beds, as it turns out, are more lucrative than hotel beds.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008
 


joanna

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2008, 05:13:59 PM »
yikes.

buffcoat

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2008, 05:35:14 PM »
Sorry, kid, but this is dumb.
I really don't appreciate your sarcastic, anti-comedy tone, Bro!

joanna

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2008, 05:44:26 PM »
i got the impression that petey already knows that it's dumb.

John Junk 2.0

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2008, 06:17:35 PM »
I'd like this story more if this guy was in it.





Petey

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2008, 06:32:39 PM »
me too, johnny boy.

buffcoat

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2008, 01:38:02 PM »
Can we see the original version?  I don't even know whom I'm supposed to be mad at.
I really don't appreciate your sarcastic, anti-comedy tone, Bro!

John Junk 2.0

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2008, 01:51:45 PM »
I think they call this kind of thing an overstatemeconflationegory

<<<<<

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2008, 03:06:34 PM »
Definitely a Pulitzer-worthy chain email.


todd

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2008, 03:46:29 PM »
Dammit, this ballot doesn't have an option for The Ant or The Grasshopper on it. I'll just vote for the names I recognize again...

Petey

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2008, 07:06:46 PM »
heres the original:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her former employer, the Rose Law Firm, to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a jury comprised of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Wakeup America!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

joanna

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2008, 07:08:41 PM »
i think the real moral of the story is to stop reading, sending, modifying, or forwarding stupid emails.

good luck, petey.

John Junk 2.0

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2008, 07:44:58 PM »
Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love grasshoppers.  They're great musicians, great athletes.  Hell, that one grasshopper is one of the funniest insects I've ever seen.  But they're lazy and maybe, if you take a long hard look at the facts, you'll realize their brain capacity is smaller than ours.  And there's no way I'm voting for a grasshopper for president.  Especially one with so little experience!

Stupornaut

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2008, 08:17:09 PM »
Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love grasshoppers.  They're great musicians, great athletes.  Hell, that one grasshopper is one of the funniest insects I've ever seen.  But they're lazy and maybe, if you take a long hard look at the facts, you'll realize their brain capacity is smaller than ours.  And there's no way I'm voting for a grasshopper for president.  Especially one with so little experience!

So, wait, are the spiders in this metaphor supposed to be illegal Mexican immigrants or something?
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buffcoat

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Re: Faffer's Solution to the Countries Problems
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2008, 08:40:21 PM »
The Ant Klan is getting more virulent.
I really don't appreciate your sarcastic, anti-comedy tone, Bro!