My Bob Saget Roast Report
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I will watch this and complain the whole time so you don't have to.
Jeff Garlin looks really bad with short hair, and he always looks like he has a huge wallet or really tight pants when he sits down. Never comfortable! I can't wait to hear him speak.
John Stamos is hosting, and he seems like the least personable guy in the world. I can't stop imagining him with a black eye and being the exact kind of guy who did something to deserve it, like grabbing your girlfriends behind right in front of you.
Now I'm 25 minutes in, and on my first laugh. Granted, it was a Greg Giraldo laugh which are at best a mild chuckle, but I do believe that somewhere in another divergent reality (one where he never got hooked up with the Tough Crowd gang) he's pretty funny.
This is the one roast I actually wanted Andy Dick at, just so he might beat up Jon Lovitz again. His stand up is the absolute worst, and this is even worse than that.
Second laugh, Jeff Ross. Some old timey joke that was sort of clever and hacky. But that's still one begrudging point for him!
Jodi Sweeten looks like a latter-day Britney Spears, with a weird bouffant (I think thats what its called) and a tshirt. She's still hot though, and look, no meth-mouth! That's either a bonus for her or the company that made her veneers.
Lewis Black has his a video message for Bob. Apparently he wasn't available to be there in person.
Susie Essman: "The reason I'm here is because this is a challenge for me". If the challenge is reading through the jokes some dick loving homophobe wrote for you as fast as you can with little to no inflection or rhythm, you win.
Brian Pohsen, I don't get it, and I don't like it. "Bob, you've been a big influence on me man". He really better need that cash, I want to believe he does.
Alan Thicke is in attendance. So is Scott Bakula.
Cloris Leachman is by far the funniest person up there right now, she has a knack for this. Making out with John Stamos seemed "too fakey".
Norm MacDonald may not be Andy Kaufman, but at least he has the appropriate amount of respect for this event (none).
The moment I've been waiting for, Jeff Garlin! Oh shit, he's doing a stupid character. Now he's doing jokes, as himself, but in that same sloppy character. May he always find the pit walls too slippery to climb.
Commercial. In the preview of the movie "College", Verne Troyer punches a guy at a kegger. Looks AMAZING. Ly bad. Edgy opinion, I know.
Sarah Silverman has a video from Bob's "mom", played by that character actress everybody knows but doesn't know, she does plenty of commercials. I don't buy that she's his mother.
You cannot fault Jim Norton for doing this, however you feel about him (but I still don't like him). This is his bread and butter with something disgusting/perverse on it, so what can you say.
Rickles was Rickles, he always makes me laugh if not for his humor then for the funny faces he makes when he talks. Only one racist joke! He looks so alive, it's amazing.
How is it possible that Gilbert Gottfried is making me laugh?! I must be mistaken. "Best" Olsen twins joke of the night, which is still not a very high water mark. I want him to say "That's Me!" so bad.
I just spaced out on the rest, which means Bob Saget started talking. I'd hope he goes home and cries himself to sleep about how awful this was, but millionaires never cry.
That was the worst one yet, and I've actually enjoyed the others somewhat. End of report!