The Movie Game: FOT Edition '09

[dave from knoxville]

Mickey Rourke
Mickey Rooney
Micky Dolenz

Antonia Christina Basilotta: She's Really Not There

In a series of short vignettes, Mickeys Rourke, Rooney and Dolenz each play American Renaissance woman Toni Basil at various points in her art-drenched life.

Rourke plays Basil in the mid-60's, as the choreographer and member of the dance troupe the Shindiggers for the massive TV hit Shindig. Rourke drew on his real-life inebriated experiences as a fall-down drunk in recreating some of the popular dance steps used in the set pieces, including the Mashed Potato and the Madison. The part of Basil's fellow Shindigger Teri Garr is played by Bob Dylan.

Rooney plays the late-60's Basil, appearing prominently in as a prostitute in the film production of Easy Rider. The part of Peter Fonda is played by Bob Dylan.

Dolenz plays Basil during her period of MTV dominance. Dolenz draws upon his experience as a dancer and singer with the Monkees to recreate the production of the music video "Oh Mickey". The part of MTV DJ JJ Jackson is played by Bob Dylan.

The vignettes are woven together in a rich tapestry illustrating the interconnectedness of life and art from the mid-60's to the late 80's to create a rich life-affirming collage that leads to one undeniable fact: we are ALL Toni Basil and Bob Dylan is all people.




Roy Orbison
Ray Romano
Tilda Swinton

[yesno]

As an aside, I just saw Burn After Reading, and Tilda Swinton's line, "I'm not one of your 'shithole buddies'" is fantastic.

[Bryan]

All these movies sound far too plausible.  I wouldn't be surprised to see them on the silver screen someday.  ("Silver screen" is an odd term, isn't it?  I mean, screens are white or grayish, not silver, damn it.  I know "silver" is sometimes used poetically for "gray," but it implies shininess, an attribute only a bad screen would possess.)

I think they are silver, or at least reflective. At the movie theatre I used to work at, mischief-makers would occasionally throw moistened gummi bears at the screen. They'd stick to it, and when removed, take some of the reflective coating off, which would then look like a gummi-bear-shaped darker spot in any picture projected there for all of eternity.

[Sarah]

Huh.  I don't remember the one in the theater I used to help clean when I was fifteen being at all shiny.

[Chris L]

I still remember when it was called "the big screen," before everyone just listened to movies on their bluetooth.

[gravy boat]

“Cost of Rica” -- 2 out of 4.5 stars
By:  Mike Longbert, Movie Reviewer for NewBridge New Herald:

Movies about child labor exploitation are few and far between, and this mediocre film will do nothing to reverse the trend.

A Los Angeles-based Hawaiian shirt manufacturer, played by Roy Orbison, has moved his factory to Costa Rica in search of cheaper labor and laxer regulations.  Heading Orbison’s factory is former California surfing sensation, Ray Romano, who, the movie informs us, won a surfing Olympic gold medal at the tender age of 11.  The roles are clichéd:  Orbison is the evil exploiter with no shades of grey to his character, while Romano plays the man with a conscience, who gets to show his insecurities and pangs over the choices he takes.  The plot is quite simple.  Orbison catches the rumor that a reporter from the states is posing as a child worker and filming the factory’s conditions for a documentary.  Orbinson gives Romano the task of finding and eliminating the mole.  Orbison and Romano first suspect Julio, the young Costa Rican boy played amazingly well by chameleon Tilda Swinton.  Swinton’s character has been taking surfing lessons from Romano and the two have developed friendship, as Romano states, “based on the pure love of the curl, man.”  [**Spolier Alert**] The film’s great “reveal,” after Romano must choose between his pay and his conscience, is that the mole was not Swinton; it was actually Amy Sedaris posing as a twelve-year-old seamstress.  Despite the film's flaws, the soundtrack, by the band Zeke, is powerfully affecting and works well with the lush rain forest images.

John Hodgman
Frank Stallone
Kate Hudson

[JustSheaNo]

John Hodgman
Frank Stallone
Kate Hudson

It's the Wacky Races!

A live-action remake of the Hanna-Barbera "classic." John Hodgman plays Peter Potamus, heir to a Greek shipping empire and playboy about town.  His love interest is Kate Hudson's harebrained Penelope Pitstop. Peter and Penelope are on vacation, racing their way across America in the Gumball 3000 rally.

Little do they know, though, that Peter's estranged, adopted twin brother Dick Dastardly, played by Frank Stallone, is working to sabotage the race, and their love.  Dastardly knows that Peter leads a double life as a secret agent in a world-wide network of elite assassins. Penelope is unaware of Peter's secret pass-time, which complicate her efforts to win his heart. Whenever she gets too close, Peter puts on the brakes. The constant presence of the Ant Hill Mob (Andy Milonakis in a star turn with CGI help) also gives Peter pause, but when the Mob is taken hostage by the villainous Dastardly, Peter expresses a change of heart.
 
With John Hodgman, Kate Hudson, Frank Stallone, Andy Milonakis, and Martin Short as an especially convincing Muttley.




GO*
Nick Cassavetes
Gene Kelly
Peter Noone

[Chris L]

GO*
Nick Cassavetes
Gene Kelly
Peter Noone

Not the best entry but this'll maybe get things rolling again:

Herman's Hermits' Peter Noone stars in an esoteric sci-fi drama that combines elements of David Bowie’s THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH with traditional hermit lore.  Noone plays Rocky Barrett, an eremitic enigma who becomes a begrudging media sensation when his hut suddenly materializes in the U.S. Capitol Rotunda.  A boneheaded reactionary general (Gene Kelly) spearheads several efforts to remove or destroy the hut – ranging from poisoning the hermit’s beloved orange soda to lobbing hollowed-out copies of Against the Day filled with compressed sulfur - all of which fail.   Noone eventually agrees to divulge his secret purpose in return for a capable Kelly krump routine. It turns out the only way Noone can return to his home in Alter-Middle-Valhalla is to derive a magic teeth whitening formula from the cranium of a kooky mystic (Nick Cassavetes), so the military sets out to aid him in his quest.  Also of note:  Noone spends most of the film in various states of fleshy repose and his penis appears on screen a record 42 times*, including a topical-for-March 2009 sequence where it "lip syncs" "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter" at a right wing teabag party (the political kind… at first). 

*subsequently cut to 35 to secure US distribution.


Robert Duvall
Levi Johnston
Necro Butcher (by overwhelming demand)

[Martin]

From the co-executive producer of AMERICAN PIRANHA and the art department of HANDS OFF: THE NORMAN BRINKOWICH STORY comes DO ME A SOLID, based on the true events that shocked a generation. Robert Duvall stars as Leon Crabshoot, a retired Miami airplane mechanic with a murky past, who one day while out fishing is hijacked by a young troublemaker called Burt (Levi Johnston) who claims to be on the lam, and demands that Crabshoot takes his boat deep into the swamps to hide out from John Q Law. Once in the murky swamps however, Burt (now uneasy friends with Crabshoot) reveals his real plan: to seek out his biological father, the nefarious Nero Slaughter (Necro Butcher), controversial leader and high priest of the Extreme Swamp Wrestling Church of Jesus. Will Burt's and Crabshoot's descent into the murky swamp hell bring them together as a team, or swallow them whole? Will Burt confront his father or follow in his footsteps? And just why does Crabshoot know so much about the church's murky past?

The critics agree: DO ME A SOLID sets a new standard for gritty, murky swamp-church-wrestling action-horror. The climactic sequence onboard a speeding canoe alone makes Apocalypse Now look like "Love Actually without balls" (AO Scott), and during a screening in Tokyo, Japan, it is rumoured that several in the audience gasped at the shame Burt brought on to his family by hijacking the fishingboat (a punishable offense in Japan).

Adapted by David Mamet from the sensational May 16, 2003 Miami Times Neptune City Herald News Daily article and directed by renowned visionary director Grak, DO ME A SOLID has already been making the festival rounds in upper Asia and parts of Belgium. Now screening for the first time in all major US cities, see the once-in-a-lifetime drama that the critics called "fascinating" (Elvis Mitchell) and "what time is it?" (Roger Ebert).



Peter Bogdanovich
Grace Jones
Joe the Plumber

[senorcorazon]

Peter Bogdanovich
Grace Jones
Joe the Plumber

The movie opens in an Upper East Side apartment, lit by the tendrils of early winter sunshine crawling across the battered corpse of Joe the Plumber. His blood has pooled on the expansive white carpet. A light turns on, and in walks a robed Grace Jones, who shrieks in horror. Dennis Kucinich emerges from the darkness with bloodied hands and laughs diabolically. 

Title Card: Objection: Mediocrity

It's 1978 Cleveland, where a young and golden-locked Joe the Plumber is in law school. He meets and falls in love with his Ethics professor (Peter Bogdanovich), though the love affair turns sour as Bogdanovich realizes how stupid Joe is. Bogdanovich devises an elaborate ruse to poison Plumber by serving him tainted corned beef hash, but the concoction only leaves Plumber dumber and bald. Bogdanovich is not longer attracted to the chrome-domed dingbat, faking his own death in the Cuyahoga River and escaping to New York to practice law. Grace Jones plays herself, a conceptual artist and musician. Dudley Moore cameos as Mayor Dennis Kucinich, whose tumultuous relationship with Grace Jones toggles between Kucinich professing his love to Jones and the young mayor trying to ban conceptual art. Jones leaves town and breaks Kucinich's heart. In the late 80s, Bogdanovich defends Jones in her cocaine trial and the charges are dropped. They begin a steamy romance. Joe the Plumber comes to New York in the present day and sees Bogdanovich on the streets, following him home. He confronts him and pushes him into his home, and a tussle ensues. A gunshot rings out and Bogdanovich flees. Kucinich mistakes Plumber for the beau of Jones, and waits for her to awake from her booze-fueled slumber. Movie ends with Bogdanovich getting on a Bolt Bus with a fake moustache.

Ouch, that hurt. But it was worth it to bump this thread back up.

Recession special!
Tim Russert footage from Meet The Press
Jeff Garland
Vanessa Williams

[Chris L]

Recession special!
Tim Russert footage from Meet The Press
Jeff Garland
Vanessa Williams

Jeff Garlin embodies the titular role in veteran director Syndie Virgkin's new corporate thriller, LEONARD BLOOMBERRY.  Garlin plays a shadowy, much-coveted, and highly feared "Undoer;" someone who is paid by competing or vindictive third parties to sabotage delicate corporate negotiations or carefully brokered deals at the last minute.  The film opens with Bloomberry driving late at night, in the midst of unraveling a new deal, when he is mysteriously and conveniently entranced by a Quiznos advertising their new Peanut Butter and Veal Carbonara sub for $4.99.  LB slowly - very slowly - approaches the closed restaurant just in time to survive his car exploding, which momentarily diverts his attention from the ad.  The film then flashes back to Vanessa Williams - corporate affiliation unknown - hiring LB to sabotage air system titan Igloo Hydra's impending deal to buy NBC from General Electric.  LB quickly launches a plan to scare shareholders by convincing them that Igloo Hydra aims to install dehumidifiers in popular NBC stars like Tina Fey and Creed Bratton (coincidentally, it's later mentioned that Jay Leno has already eagerly volunteered for just such a procedure).  Soon, however, LB uncovers Williams’ true motives:  she is both an NBC mid-coast programmer and the lover of NBC reporter Luke Russert, son of the late Tim Russert.  LB angrily confronts Williams over her subterfuge (a word he uses repeatedly, emphasizing the “sub” hard each time), since his “third party hire only” policy stems from a dark incident early in his career, where a homely woman he loved was literally cannibalized by her co-workers upon their discovery she had hired him (it’s strongly inferred that company was Whole Foods).  After Williams’ attempted car bombing fails to silence the boisterous and woundedly charismatic LB, she breaks down and explains she feared the impending sale would prohibit Luke Russert from ever following in his father’s footsteps and hosting MEET THE PRESS, since Igloo Hydra CEO Thorge Tarkington bared a lifelong grudge against Tim Russert for his reporting on IH’s secret, rampant penguin abuses.  At the conclusion of her confession, LB laments that he hadn’t syruptitiously recorded the conversation and thus has no evidence, but that he did take several upskirt hidden camera pics of Williams that he’d be promptly posting online as retribution.  The closing credits roll over a single webcam take of Leonard Bloomberry posting the hidden panty pics to his adult blogspot site, captured at a crossroads in his life and break in his eating regimen. 

Wanda Sykes
Cary Grant
Kobayashi

[senorcorazon]

Deal with it, J.J. Abrams. YOU HAVE BEEN SCHOOLED. Now I need to figure out how to work in a hotdog eating champ. 

[Chris L]

Wanda Sykes
Cary Grant
Kobayashi

If it gets anybody's juices flowing (ew), the press has already nicknamed two of these stars "Caryashi."