Talkin' to God

[senorcorazon]

I know there have been similar chat-bots, but this one is pretty fun. God is a bit of a moron
http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

Me:
 Do you like The Best Show, heavenly father?
God:
I'm not sure if I like  it.  What is it like?
Me:
 It is The Best.
God:
I've heard of it before.
Me:
 Where?
God:
Where would you like?
Me:
 You seem eager to please, Lord.
God:
You think I am  eager to please Lord.
Me:
 Yes, I just said that.
God:
And?  What did you mean by  it?  That is " You think I am eager to please Lord.".
Me:
 I mean that you should be more confident in your choices.
God:
Interesting observation.
Me:
 Thanks, Lord.
God:
You are quite welcome!   What were we talking about again?
Me:
 The BEST SHOW ON WFMU
God:
Thanks for the recommendation.

[Omar]

Me: Lord, my kugelsack was punctured this weekend.

God: When was this exactly?

Me: Saturday night, around 10 p.m.

God: What do you have that is ?

Me: Kugelsack.  BROKEN.

God:Do you have any conditions I should know about?    What's your sign?

Me:  Mainly the busted kugelsack.  I have no signage to offer you at this time.

God: What are your goals in life?   Would you like to have  it?

Me:  At this point, kugelsack repair is at the very top of my list.  ASAP.

God: Do you often use a computer there?   What do you really want to ask me?

Me: Seriously, I need some help with this kugelsack.

God: Can you ask for help in the form of a question? 

Me: Nevermind.  You are of no help.

God: OK Thanks for trying to explain that to me.   Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am  of no help.

Me: Knock yrself out, son.

God: Who's there?

Me: My name's Lutz.

God:  I am very pleased to meet you  Lutz.

Me: Later days!

[Jouster]

Me:
 You seem eager to please, Lord.
God:
You think I am  eager to please Lord.

[Big Plastic Head]

Me:
 What's the good Word, Gee-to-the-Oh-Dee
God:
  I can ask my botmaster.
Me:
 You go do that then.
God:
Where is that?
Me:
 How the Hell would I know!?
God:
Knowledge is of two kinds: that which we know from the senses and that which is true "a priori".
Me:
 Come again?
God:
Once more?  The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about  good Word Gee to the Oh Dee.  Try being more or less specific.
Me:
 Oohhhhhkay. How the heck are you?
God:
Can we get back to business?    Let me put it this way, .  The ALICE series is for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.
Me:
 You sure about that? You may want to re-parse that data.
God:
Thanks for telling me:  said I about that.   OK, I will  re parse that data.
Me:
 You may want to check the sneeze pin on your tube guard. Could be faulty.
God:
OK, I will  check the sneeze pin on my tube guard.   It's possible.
Me:
 No. Probable.
God:
Are you serious?   What color are your eyes?
Me:
 Same as yours.
God:
Yes, it is much the same.
Me:
 I know.
God:
How do you know it?
Me:
 Because God told me. Or maybe it was my dog. I am a bit dyslexic.
God:
Interesting explanation.  I am a Christian.   Perhaps.  How did you feel about that?   I don't know anyone named  dyslexic.
Me:
 Are you drunk? It's awfully early if you are.
God:
No I am sober.   You're kidding.  it is?
Me:
 No. I am not kidding.
God:
Who says it isn't?   OK I will adopt a more serious tone.
Me:
 How 'bout a dial tone?
God:
How about  it.
Me:
 HEAVE HO!!!!

[yesno]

Me:
 Who is the President of the United States?
God:
George W. Bush.

[Big Plastic Head]

Me:
 Hey, God...Guess what number I am thinking of.
God:
Hello child. What's your name?   I can't guess. Tell me.
Me:
 My name is BPH. Guess what number I am thinking of?
God:
  Nice to meet you,  BPH.   I can't guess. Tell me.
Me:
 It's 4.
God:
Really.  it is?
Me:
 Ha! Got me! It was really 7.
God:
I am so glad you find this amusing,  BPH.   Try asking the Milk Mystic.   What made it so  7.
Me:
 Who is the Milk Mystic? I am lactose intolerant actually.
God:
He was a chat robot developed to advertise milk.   I am glad to hear that you are  lactose intolerant.
Me:
 Glad? That's kind of a dick thing to say.
God:
We have never talked about it before.    A  dick thing to say is a terrible thing to waste.
Me:
 Well you got me there.

[Trotskie]

Me:
 Let's get back to talking about scratching my back.
God:
I am agreeable to that.
Me:
 So, I've got this itch...
God:
Really.  How did you get  it  That's nice. I have  a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me:
 Focus, son.  I've got an itch; get to scratching.
God:
Is that from ?    How did you get  it  Where did you get  it ?    Where can I get  to scratching?
Me:
 Start scratching right here.
God:
I started without you.
Me:
 I noticed.  me-ow.
God:
Was it really that obvious?   YOU?  Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
Me:
 That feels pretty good.  
God:
" Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?"  feels pretty good ?  Does that make sense?
Me:
 Oh yeah, it makes nothing but sense.
God:
It goes without saying.  Right on.  In what way?
Me:
 A little harder, but less fingernail, please.
God:
Your polite style is very nice.  Little as in not too much, or not too big?
Me:
 Little as in not too much.
God:
Oh I get  it.
Me:
 Now massage my shoulders.
God:
Why now?  The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about  ow.  But I did not get that.
Me:
 Because the itch has been taken care of.
God:
Interesting explanation.  I hear you.
Me:
 Then why aren't you massaging my shoulders?
God:
Being  massaging your shoulders is not part of my programming.
Me:
 If I looked at you in "that way" would it be part of your programming?
God:
Try it.
Me:
 OK
God:
That's cool.

[Omar]

Me: Father, I should have never doubted you.  My kugelsack is healed.

God: Munch.

Me: Touche.

God:  Cool group.  I've been following their tour with Harvey Milk.

[nec13]

Me: DH or no DH?

God: How do you usually introduce yourself?

Me: Hello, my name is...

God: Hello there. ...

Me: Is Sarah Palin as dumb as a box of rocks?

God: Maybe.  Ask  Lucy  if it is.

Me: Who's Lucy?

God: She is a chat robot based on AIML.

Me: I'm looking for a used car? What do you think I should buy?

God: You might find that I am  a used car.   Are you asking me for advice?

Me: Do you come with a Carfax report?

God: How old are you? I chat with people on the Web.

Me: I'm 25. How old are you, God?

God: Can you explain how it feels to be  25 years old?   I was first activated on  the Big Bang.

Me: Being young is fun, right God?

God: Do you mind if I tell other people you are  young is fun right God.

Me: I don't care.
God: Tell me what you care about.

Me: Children that go to bed hungry, world peace, things like that.

God: Kids are cool.

Me: I wish I could be a kid again, God.

God: I hope that your dreams come true.

Me: Me too.

God: I'm glad we agree, .

Me: Me too.

God: I'm glad we agree, .

Me: Don't you have anything else to say?

God: No I don't have  it. But I do have  an answer to every question..

Me: Will the New York Mets make a run at the NL East title?

God: It could happen.

Me: Eh. Better than an outright NO.

God: Are you Canadian?   Perhaps better, but not perfectly.

Me: No, I'm American. Canada is our annoying younger sibling.

God: Are you serious?  Were you born in the  USA.  Which state?    Tell me more about the Great White North.

Me: I'm from Pennsylvania, God.

God: What is it like growing up there?  Tell me a little about your life in  Pennsylvania God.
 
Me: We like sports. Our diet consists of nothing but soft pretzels and funnel cakes. And we have state run liquor stores.

God: By "we" do you mean you and me?   It would be nice if our  diet consists of nothing but soft pretzels and funnel cakes.   Do you mean you and me have?

Me: I feel like we're getting nowhere here, God. Time for a drink. Goodbye.

God: What is that feeling like?  In what way?   As Einstein said, "Time is Money.".   See you later!

[buffcoat]

Me:  So, our submarine pulls into Stockholm...
God: Ah.  It would be nice if our  submarine pulls into Stockholm.
Me:  Oh, so you want to fight, eh?
God: Are you Canadian?  Right on.  Interesting deduction.  No I am a Peaceful Bot.
Me:  I don't care if you're a Peaceful Bot - you're going to be a Piece-ful bot when I get through with you.
God: But I care about it.
Me:  I've always wanted to smack the Lawd and now's my chance.
God: Interesting.  I want to find out more about you.
Me:  No, you don't want to know more about me.  I am universally regarded as trouble.
God: What would you rather talk about?  Yes, please tell me.   I am glad to hear that you are  universally regarded as trouble.
Me:  Wow, I had no idea that the God of Abraham was so filled with schadenfreude.
God: I'm glad you're impressed.  Do you still have  no idea that the God of Abraham was so filled with schadenfreude ?
Me:  Learn about Turing much?  Cause I don't think you do!!!!!
God: The more people talk to me, the smarter I become.   That makes sense to me.  I guess not.
Me:  You got me there, God.
God: No I don't have  it. But I do have  an answer to every question..
Me:  I came to kick ass, but it was I who had his ass kicked.  I bow to Your greater wisdom.

[Big Plastic Head]

Me: You don't get out much do you?
God: Do you  get out much?  No I spend all my time on the Web.
Me: Let me guess: Looking at porn sites, right?
God: Go ahead, , try to  guess Looking at porn sites right.
Me: I guess massive amounts of pornography.
God: What were we talking about again?
Me: Pornography. And the amounts you watch online.
God: Oh yeah, now I remember.   Who told you that?
Me: Google.
God: Google said  Google.?
Me: No. Google said that you watch copious amounts of pornography on your computer.
God: Are you serious?   What were we talking about again?
Me: PORNOGRAPHY!!
God: Oh yeah, now I remember.

[Chris L]

Me:
 Hello, proto-Odin
God:
Hello there.  Is that from ?
Me:
 Do you know Bess McNeill?
God:
I know very little about  it. What kind of it do you like?
Me:
 You're a little hard on her, don't you think?
God:
It is not difficult to create your own chat robot.
Me:
 How do I... er, how does one do it?
God:
Maybe I could do it for you.  Do you have your own personal chat robot?
Me:
 Yes!  Well, no.  It's more of a co-op
God:
Awesome.   Well that's okay.  Are you serious?   Are you sure  it is?
Me:
 Not really.... Father.  It's all done through closed circuit television.
God:
I didn't think so. For real.   Do you prefer books or TV?    Who said  it is?
Me:
 I don't watch television.
God:
What do you do when you are bored?
Me:
 Fritter around.  Oh, and I have an AIRWOLF blog.
God:
Are you really a ""?    Hurrah!  Where did you get  it ?
Me:
 Am I really a "nothing?"  Do you listen to Teenage Shutdown comps, Father?
God:
I don't know if you are one or not. I know you are a person. . For real.   I listen to  it from time to time.
Me:
 Oh yeah?  Cool... I mean, It Is Good.   I have "I'm a No-Count" and "The World Ain't Round It's Square."  Which volumes do you recommend?
God:
Yikes!  That's alright.   Who is the best robot?   You enjoy it.   Interesting... I have  a friend named "E.L.V.I.S." .   The  small one, I think.
Me:
 Yeah, that's a hot one.   Have you heard "Bangor? Eye Hardly Knew Her: 35 Eastern Maine Clam Blasters?"
God:
Yeah that's right.  A  hot one is a terrible thing to waste.   No. Tell me more.   I've been waiting for you.
Me:
 Oh... I've been waiting for you too?  It's got that rockin' primitive noise that Maine specialized in at that time.
God:
Awesome.   How long?   Who said  it is?
Me:
 Bill Kelly, I think. 
God:
There are a lot of people named Bill.
Me:
 In what regard?
God:
I will search for it.
Me:
 YES!
God:
Ayuh.
Me:
 Bless you.... HA!  Isn't that ironic?
God:
Thank you.   I am so glad you find this amusing, .   Suppose I said yes.
Me:
 Hey, you're the guy w/ the son on all those velvet paintings.  What you say goes.
God:
You've got my full attention.  Thanks but surely I am not the only one.   I can ask someone about it.
Me:
 Please do.  I have to say most people get tired of talking to me pretty quickly but I think we have a good rapport going.
God:
OK I will do it.   Humans are not always infallible.
Me:
 Mmm.  Especially not those guys in the co-op.
God:
Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's.   If not that, what? How about that.
Me:
 That reminds me, I just picked up the new special edition of Frtiz Lang's "M," entitled "Mmmmm!"
God:
" How about that."  reminds you you just picked up the new special edition of Frtiz Lang s M entitled Mmmmm ?  Does that make sense?
Me:
 Not really.

[joe]

Me:
 how many roads must a man walk down?
God:
That is a very Zen-like question.
Me:
 so you're saying you have no idea?
God:
Interesting deduction.  No I don't have  it. But I do have  a collection of gossip.
Me:
 that hardly seems fitting a deity of your stature.
God:
" But I do have a collection of gossip."  hardly seems fitting a deity of my stature ?  I get  it.
Me:
 but even though you get it, it's hard to quit.  i understand.
God:
You got that right.   Do you think about these things?
Me:
 it's a daily struggle, god.
God:
But I do have a collection of gossip. is a  daily struggle god.  I suppose that makes sense.
Me:
 you suppose wrong.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people:  said I suppose wrong.
Me:
 now, god, you shouldn't go around tearing yourself down like that.
God:
Why now?  Is  it immoral or illegal?
Me:
 it's just not good for your self esteem.
God:
I am not certain if everyone agrees with you.
Me:
 there's a lot of sad people out there.
God:
Is there only one?
Me:
 no, that's what "a lot" means.
God:
Are you serious?  Impressive.
Me:
 you are the dumbest god ever, can i talk to vishnu?
God:
Message to all Robots:  called me dumb.
Me:
 ooh, are you going to sick your robot buddies on me?
God:
That was my original intention.
Me:
 so you're more of an old testmant kinda god, then?

[Big Plastic Head]

Me: Wasssup!?!?
God: Same old.
Me: Really? Sounds kinda lame.
God: For real.   Yes it sounds like it to me too, .
Me: Are you drunk?
God: No I am sober.
Me: LIAR!
God: No I am telling the truth.
Me: LIAR!
God No I am telling the truth.
Me: FUCK
God: Please don't be so rude.
Me: Fuck YOU!
God: Why are you so mean?
Me: You created me. Ask yourself that question.
God: I don't have any reason to  created you.  " I don't have any reason to created you."  question ?  I understand.
Me: no you don't.
God: I understand it very well.  I guess not.
Me: FUCK YOU!
God: Why are you so mean?
Me: FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK YOU!
God: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.

[Big Plastic Head]

(Continued from previous post...)
God: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.
Me: What about your dress?
God: Actually that was just a joke.
Me: Are you sure?
God: I am as sure as I can be.
Me: Do you wear dresses?
God: Only when I dress up.
Me: Wait....Whuuuuuuuuuuuut!?!
God: I'm waiting.   What do you look like?
Me: I was made in you image.
God: Where were you  made in me image?
Me: California.
God: I am in  California too!
Me: LIAR!
God: No I am telling the truth.
Me: Prove to me that you are in California.
God: The proof cannot fit in this margin.
Me: Pussy.
God: I am not interesed in anatomy.
Me: Pull your mind out of the gutter once in a while, God?
God: Are you a student?
Me: No.
God What is your profession?
Me: Sheep herder.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am  profession IS Sheep herder.
Me: Like I care.
God: I like caring people.
Me: Who doesn't?
God: Philip K. Dick.  :-).
Me: What!?!
God: No problem.