I wrote an essay for school on Newbridge and, well, you. I don't want to tell any lies and I would love to be corrected on any of my facts. Anyone who wants to critique is welcome to, and if this violates a chat rule, please remove it. Here goes:
Get Ready To Meet My Little Friend
Zachary Smith
10-07-2009
He may have influenced an episode of Monk that made you chuckle or you might know him from Tom Goes to the Mayor. But to a growing number of people around the world, he is simply Tom Scharpling, host of The Best Show on WFMU and, depending on his mood, he is the head of either Friends of Tom or Scharpling Youth. He has become famous (somewhat) for his Unfair Record Reviews, his growing Hate Pit, and his exploration of Newbridge with Jon Wurster. He emerged from relative obscurity to due to his recording of an interview with the author of Rock, Rot & Rule: The Ultimate Argument Settler who was played by Wurster. The interview circulated around comedy writers and was championed at parties by the alt-comedy darling Patton Oswalt. Now, nearly a decade later his show has become the leading source of pledges for WFMU, and boasts Ted Leo, Aimee Mann, and Paul F. Tompkins as frequent contributers. Scharpling has created one the most fascinating towns that never existed.
The town of Newbridge was created by Jon Wurster and Tom Scharpling. It was located in New Jersey and was established as Scharpling’s hometown, and it provided a locale for Jon Wurster’s characters. All of the characters were fictional, but some were based on real people or mimicked real people. These people were typically too famous for anyone to really believe that they were real call-ins. In my essay it is important to understand that Gene Simmons and Marky Ramone are just Wurster’s representations, not to be confused with their actual activities. I cannot definitively say that Marky and Gene are respectable people, but I can definitively say that neither ran for Mayor of Newbridge.
In Newbridge’s time of need one man was there to exploit the town’s weakness. Wilhelm introduced Blue, the folk remedy, to the majority of the town which was suffering from cocaine-withdrawal. It is chap-stick that you apply and then “you feel like you’re in floating almost like you’re in the womb or in space, and then you wake up nineteen hours later, and you feel… you feel good.” (Bryce Prefontaine) It does not take long before the entire town is warming up to Blue. It is available at the local German Seven-Eleven, the Das Sieben Und Elf, which is run by Vernor, one of three mysterious and opportunistic Germans new to the town. It leads to many brief (or long depending on whether you count the nineteen hours of sleep) parties. The popularity of the remedy led many people to believe that they may have only been able to swap vices.
Newbridge was faced with others problems that had to be addressed. The most pressing issue at hand was “the sinkhole, it’s on the news every night, and as you know it’s getting bigger and bigger” (Bishop Pablo Fontana) Bishop Pablo Fontana’s only solution was to have the Pope bless it. He hoped to introduce the Pope to Wilhelm. He even went as far as saying that the Pope “will end up sainting him after he tries some of his herbal remedies” (Bishop Pablo Fontana) . Unfortunately, the Pope elected to avoid the town as it was on the verge of crisis.
All these topics were brought to the forefront during Newbridge’s first mayubinatorial race in nearly a decade. Thor was the first to enter when he “got his 37 signatures” (Thor from Eastbridge). Thor ran with the Grassroots Party. He claims his plan begins with “you getting out, and getting replaced,” (TfE) because Tom Scharpling’s “Daddy got him the show… because of ectoplasm.” (TfE He may have misinterpreted the situation, and misinterpreted the word “ectoplasm,” but for better or worse, Thor was the first sprinter out of the gate.
Hammerhead introduces himself as candidate by bragging about his accomplishments: “I’m actually in a belt-whipping league now… I’m on the Newbridge Hide-Tanners.” (Hammerhead) With this qualification and his career as “a lobbyist for the plastic industry” (Hammerhead), he asks the host: “You ready? You strapped in? You got your helmet on? I am announcing my candidacy for Mayor of Newbridge.”(Hammerhead) He announced his aspiration to surround the whole town with a wall, and he ran under the Newbridge Hardcore Party.
Bob is the second candidate to announce his candidacy. Unable to come up with a well constructed argument on the spot, Bob stalled on all questions and then played a recorded answer around ten minutes later. One of these recorded answers addressed the Blue epidemic that was highlighted in the Newbridge Herald Times Republican Herald. “Blue’s actually been a real calming influence in my life. I wouldn’t be surprised if the government made Blue mandatory in the future.” (Bob From Newbridge) He announced his candidacy under the Newbridge Freedom-Lover’s Party. When asked about his stances he accidentally plays an audio-book by Henry Rollins.
The Fourth entrant to the mayubinatorial race was Horse, a local member of Jock Squad. Jock Squad was the costumer service branch of Radio Hut, which prided itself on physical prowess and had been established as a haven for users of performance-enhancing drugs. He got his 37 signatures and announced that “there must be a lot of “Repspublicans”.” His platform is “if elected I guarantee Newbridge will attack at least three of the surrounding towns.” Secondly, he declares that school-children must get “at least, forty hours of gym class a week.” Finally he says that Tom will be “tried and executed.” This represented the most detailed platform to be established. He was clearly the town’s greatest military advocate. He concentrated on the key town issue of physical education, and was the only candidate to suggest Tom Scharpling would be killed through legal means. Later on, he fell prey to the Halversom’s Chocolate Company’s growing influence citing “not wanting to do it.”
A few weeks later, the ring made room for another. Tank entered to oppose Horse in the “Democalves” as the candidate with “the biggest most muscular calves.” (Tank) His platform was simply put: “huge calves.” Tank even tells the voters about Mike’s candidacy, he was told at the ““Mayunidorial” Pancake Breakfast.” (T) This was actually the first mention of Pancake Mayubinatorial meeting which would become a staple of many candidates as the election progressed. Call-screener Mike planned to “widen the moat around the abandoned old abandoned Newbridge Blimp-Hangar.” (T) This was a landmark declaration, because it was the first platform to address a real problem in Newbridge. Unfortunately, despite his size he asked is “Halversom still running?”, and threw quickly withdrew from the race.
After the entrance one viable candidate and one perplexing candidate, a man somewhere in between got his chance to speak. Bryce Prefontaine came on the show to ask when “Robert Hunter would be going on tonight.” Then, he made the declaration we had all been waiting for: “Tom, you are never gonna guess what I’m gonna lay on you right now. Are you ready? You strapped in? You got your helmet on? You tokin’? Anyway, here it comes: I am throwing my Dr. Seuss hat into the ring for the Newbridge Mayubina… whatever it’s called race.” His campaign slogan “Get ready to meet my little friend” needed some explanation: “I’m holding a little red, white, and blue bong.” He quickly fired off opinions on the only issues he cared about, “If elected, I’ll make sure every citizen of Newbridge has a little friend, too. Little friends for all!” He was reprimanded for this irresponsible stance by the host, but he covered himself by telling him that “of course the ones the kids get, they’ll be really small.” He was going to officially enter the race during his “Midnight Pancake Munchie Party.” He claimed to have the “thickest pancakes, and the most potent.” He ran under the Party Party and promised Tom’s death for not wanting “to catch a groove and just ride it,” but he withdraws without giving any good reason when he got pressured by the Halversom Chocolate Company.
Gene Simmons made the biggest splash up to that point when he entered the race. He asks with caution, “Are you strapped in? Do you have your helmet on?” (Gene Simmons) “I, Gene Simmons the God of Thunder, am tossing my spiked 7-inch boot-heels into the ring.” (GS) He runs in the “Fontasy” Party, he promises “that if elected, each of age woman in Newbridge will have at least one liaison with yours truly.” (GS) The husbands would be reimbursed with a “fifty-dollar voucher to use at Gene Simmon’s Toyota.” (GS) For all the children of Newbridge, he promises to give a copy of his new book: “I’m Rich.” (GS) He states that all of this will be announced at a ““Poncake” Brunch at Mr. O’Tuttle’s.” (GS) Gene then gives a landmark statement: “When elected you’ll be the first person to suffer the wrath of my Gene Simmons Axe Bass,” (GS) Gene Simmons was the second candidate to threaten Tom’s life, and the first to specify just how Tom would be killed. He goes on to claim that he will be able to change Newbridge into “Sex City, USA” (GS) or “Gene Simmons’ “Sexerica.” (GS) Even the self-proclaimed God was not above the influence provided by the Halversom Chocolate Company
The next candidate was the then-famous Ronald Thomas Clontle, author of “Rock, Rot and Rule.” He claimed that he had spent all his book money on “coke, and… well coke.” (Ronald Thomas Clontle) He said that he was set to officially announce his candidacy “at the annual Turkey Pancake Fun Swim at Lake Newbridge” (RTC). Participants would be expected to eat seven pancakes “minimum, it’s required” (RTC) and then enjoy a swim Lake Newbridge. His campaign slogan was simply “Rock, Rot and (he will) Rule (you Newbridge)” and will campaign under the Ruler Party. He plans to change the smoking policy, because he felt that “people should be able to smoke wherever, whenever and whatever they want.” (RTC) When questioned as to why he would do this, he simply said “it looks cool.” (RTC) His second platform was to have an artist draw Tom, and then pelt him with quarters. Despite his misinterpretation of what being “drawn and quartered” entailed, Ronald Thomas Clontle emerged as a front-runner in the race.
Glen Danzig was the next participant in the electoral contest. He calls to promote his new record which he described as “disturbing,” (Glen Danzig)and tell Newbridge about his upcoming appearance at the Kearndome. He then speaks about his upcoming film: The Flesh Devourers. To paint a picture of what this might be like, he explains “I threw up writing it, and Trent threw up reading it, and the guy who made the copies of it, he threw up making the copies.” (GD) He was then informed of the upcoming election. This led to his entrance into the race. He says plainly: “I would start by getting the Newbridge Schools up-to-snuff” (GD), “a library should be open till at least 9:30” (GD), “I’d also wire Newbridge for WiFi” (GD), and “What’s up with having three sports arenas, but no professional teams?” (GD) All of these combine to form the most coherent and sane platform from the least coherent and sane candidate. He completes his announcement by saying “I guess I’m officially throwing my evil thorny hat into the ring.” (GD) He caved under the pressure of the Halversom Chocolate Company, and claimed that “he wanted to spend more time with his family.” (GD)
The candidate of the most Best Show fame entered the race with a bang. Philly Boy Roy begins bragging about receiving 232 hoagies for Christmas. For New Year’s Eve Roy continues the Ziegler tradition when he “blew up nine trash cans… in honor of the 1980 World Champion Phillies” (Philly Boy Roy), “blew up six more trash cans in honor of the Rocky movies and then we blew up a station-wagon someone parked near our house.” (PBR) When questioned as to what the station-wagon explosion was honoring, Roy Ziegler simply said “It was just cuz it was fun and they shouldn’t have parked there no way.” (PBR) It is this experience and his recent firing from Wawa that led him to ask Tom: “I don’t know if you can hear it, but I got four pancakes going on the griddle right now. Because, I’m throwing my miniature Eagles helmet that I got at Dairy Queen into the ring for the “Mayuginatorial” race in Newbridge.” (PBR) He clarifies his residency was established by a PO Box where he has “all his spank mags sent,” (PBR he is barely able to form the word but still pledges his allegiance to the Republican Party. His slogan “Get Ready to Eat My Little Hoagie” was a starting point, but he claimed he needed to get the help of “Mic Rombley” (PBR), “Mike Hucklebee” (PBR), and “Borat Oblama.” (PBR) He ends his speech by proving that he also has no clue what the phrase “draw and quarter” actually means. He may have been misguided as to what his party allegiance truly entailed, but he still represented the first candidate to affiliate with a major political party.
The stars just kept getting brighter, the next interview-turned-candidate got off to a slow start. He claims to have unbelievable news and gives Tom the standard prompt: “Are you strapped in? You got your helmet on?” (Marky Ramone) but in a weird twist he promotes his new condoms which he dubs “too tough to break.” (MR) Only then is he actually informed of the mayubinatorial election, but quickly decides “I’m gonna throw my leather jacket into the ring.” (MR) He inquires about the sinkhole and Tom mentions the talk of making it a tourist attraction. Marky had a flash of genius and suggested a “Marky Ramone and the Intruders Theme Park.” (MR) He states that he would run under the Gabba Gabba Hey platform. He said his first act as mayor would be to kill Tom Scharpling, and went on to say “I’m gonna play eighth-notes on your head.” (MR) While he probably did not appear to be a viable candidate at the time, Marky Ramone’s statement increased the chances that the first day in the life of the new mayor would be the last day in the life of Tom Scharpling. Also, by offering a possible solution to the sinkhole issue, he made it clear that he would not go down without a fight. But could the man who couldn’t drum for The Ramones without help, run a town all by his lonesome?
Zachary Brimstead Esquire, the obese cummerbund-clad barbershop singer, approached the studio not long after. Mike helped him squeeze through the door, with the help of oils and butter. He was forced to a state of undress just to fit. After putting his shirt and cummerbund back on, he starts gushing about his upcoming role in the Trent L. Strauss film, The Man in the Iron Cummerbund. He gleefully told a host almost at wit’s end: “I’m gonna put that train back on the rails, and ride it victory right now. You know why?... Are you strapped in?... You got your helmet on? I, Zachary Brimstead Esquire, am tossing my cummerbund into the ring for the Newbridge Mayuginat… How do you say it? Mayubinatorial election… Isn’t that exciting?” (Zachary Brimstead) He was flabbergasted to find out that the 36 signatures he had collected would not be enough. With Mike’s help he was able get through the door, but not without a great deal of noise. He had an inauspicious start, but could he overcome this with charm and exotic good-looks?
Halversom’s influence proved to great for most of the candidates, but a brave few showed up to the Mayubinatoral Debate. Hammerhead began the debates by showing how a mosh-pit should be formed. He was asked if he what issues he cared about besides Hardcore, he responded with a simple “No.” (H) Marky Ramone stepped up to the plate next, but he only established his revised plans for the “Marky Ramone Theme Park.” (MR) Arriving late to the debate was Zachary Brimstead, he addressed the problem of the sink-hole by stating “you think that sink-hole can be fixed? I don’t…Maybe all the dumb kids can fall into that hole” (ZB) only to be greeted by an ovation. Philly Boy Roy was the next person to take the podium. He read a speech that was written by his son, but had clear policy iimplications. To improve the sound systems of the town, “Stereo Stamps will replace Food Stamps, such is my decree.” (PBR He introduced the Ziegler plan, which “calls for the immediate building of 25 Wawas in Newbridge” (PBR) and promised to “airlift New Jerseyites, those who are not infected of course, to the safe and majestic land of Philadelphia.” All these stances culminated in a very tight election, from which Philly Boy Roy emerged victorious.
All of this was the byproduct on Tom Scharpling’s radio show, which he doesn’t get paid to do. Jon Wurster and Tom Scharpling have forced their way into the spotlight through hard work and an undeniable talent for the absurd. I would say that the sky is the limit, but they may have already reached the ceiling for radio fame. But in listener-supported radio, there is no one funnier than Tom Scharpling. In his own words: “You can’t stop The Best Show, you can’t top The Best Show.”
