# -4 Peter Criss
Peter Criss is not just the worst album a member of KISS wearing make-up ever produced, it’s among the worst albums ever produced by a member of a band that had ever produced a good record.
I had somehow rationalized in my brain that the Peter Criss Solo Album was just dumb. It’s beyond that. It’s a broadside insult to both rock and roll AND R&B.
If you haven’t heard the Scharpling and Wurster take on the “The Cougar,” it’s important that you do so. They capture what must have been Peter Criss’ mindset around 1979 perfectly. “The Cougar’s roots are in classic R&B.”
Most of the songs on the album are lousy originals from Peter’s past bands, Lips and Chelsea. There is, however, one passable song on Peter Criss – “Tossin’ and Turnin’.” It’s an ok cover of an ok song. Listenable. The rest of the album is not.
Criss is actually a decent singer of hard rock tunes and some ballads. So why’s he so effing bad here? I mean he sounds exhausted. Frightened. I have the idea that Gene was standing outside the studio: “Peter, all the other albums are done. You need to finish yours… tonight.” Maybe Gene paid someone to hit him with a newspaper while he recorded. It’s got to be something.
Peter was in a bad car accident before this album was recorded, one of many bad car accidents* that ruined parts of his career. He didn’t even drum on several tracks. Get that. The drummer for the band does not drum on his solo album.
There are two types of P. Criss penned songs on this record: crap R&B, which are terrible but not to the point of making you want to smash the record to bits, and then sappy songs that Michael Martin Murphey would have vomited over. Seriously. If you don’t believe me, pick up “I Can’t Stop the Rain” on iTunes. Warning: it has a swear word.
We’ll do the R&B first.
The album starts with the appalling “I’m Gonna Love You.” Peter Criss really thinks he’s making R&B here. That’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever written. This track illustrates the album’s primary theme: repetition.
Also, desperation.
Also, the need to finish an album he was contractually obligated to make.
This raises a question. Whose idea was it to make these solo albums? I’ve never for the life of me been able to figure it out. The most obvious reason would be Ace and Peter demanding it because of their secondary status in the band. But there’s no way on earth Paul and Gene would care about that one bit. You think Gene stayed up all night, not drinking and not doing drugs, wondering how to keep Peter and Ace in the band? There’s evidence** that he didn’t even know their names.
The rumor is*** that Peter Criss found the words and music to this song while digging through Christopher Cross’ trash can.
The second track, “You Matter to Me,” introduces the theme of terrible lyrics, which Peter would raise to an art form on Dynasty a year later. Although Peter didn’t write this one, his partners did. Let’s say that Peter likes to sing the word “ain’t.” This song also features heavy, heavy synthesizer. And really bad male background vocals. And sad “Yes You Do”s over the final lyrics of each stanza.
“Rock Me Baby” is like what R&B would have sounded like if it had actually been invented – as opposed to ripped off – by Pat Boone. No amount of dropped g’s or soul backing vocals or crap guitar or anemic horns can turn this number into anything listenable. “Baby, who you been lovin’ since your man’s gone?” At least it’s short. This one was written by Sean Delaney.
“That’s the Kind of Sugar Papa Likes” has the distinction of being the second best song on an awful record. Hoo-ray. The lyrics are appalling. “You know I love you/I’m blank blank blank.” Try to guess the next line.
If you guessed “thinkin’ OF you,” congratulations, you’re as good a lyricist as Peter Criss.
“Hooked on Rock and Roll” is the third best song on the album. It features a very, very weird lyric that I had to listen to a bunch of times to understand: “I was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.” Were the early rock and roll records played on Victrolas? This is a fact that I was, uh, unaware of. Perhaps Peter Criss is older than I thought.
“Don’t You Let Me Down” bridges the R&B garbage and the other stuff. It’s horrible, but it’s not as bad as the rest of the stuff. Man it’s bad, though. I changed my mind. It belongs with the suckier stuff. It sounds like the worst late period Jimmy Buffett love songs.
These last three make me very angry.
“Easy Thing” features a whole lot of falsetto, which is not Peter Criss’ strength, nor is it rock and roll’s strength. Nor is it old timey R&B’s strength. I don’t get it.
“Kiss the Girl Goodbye” has nothing to do with KISS. More falsetto. If Alex Chilton had been paid to write the worst song he could, he might turn out something like this before he hung himself. That’s harsh, but I give Alex a lot of credit for that. On the plus side, it’s only 2:50 long and about 30 seconds of that is fade out, so the last 10 seconds don’t really count.
Man, this last one is the worst song ever to appear on a makeup-era KISS album. “I Can’t Stop the Rain,” just listen to it. From the snickering intro “This is New Yawk, yo,” to the treacly lyrics “then a cold wind/came callin’/strange how it knew me/by name” to the weak drum sounds, to one of the most awful choruses ever. How can this song be about New York? Do what now?
Please somebody purchase this song and listen to it. I want someone to share my misery.
That is all. Now I can stop listening.
Up next, I have to decide which is better/worse – Gene’s solo or Paul’s. That’s going to take awhile.
* Two, I think.
** Not actual evidence.
*** No, it isn’t.