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The purpose of this thread is to, as the title states, judge the Presidents based solely on their portraits. Please try to ignore anything you may already know or think you know about the President in question and express only what their portrait says to you about him/her.
Don't feel limited by these, but here are some characteristics and questions you may wish to consider: Does the person look "presidential" to you? Could this person be elected today if they looked like they did in this portrait? What's up with that hair? What are your feelings on this President's facial hair choices? What about the clothes? Does this President, again based solely on their looks in the provided portrait, seem like someone who would be a Good President or Evil President?
James K. Polk
11th President of the United States
(http://www.us-coin-values-advisor.com/images/James-Polk.jpg)
I'll start us off on this one.
-Polk was the first President with a mullet. This was probably a daring choice in his day, and would be now as well. I think his advisors today would make him cut it, but he probably could have won an election with that hair in the late '80s into the mid '90s.
-No facial hair for Polk. Big mistake, if you ask me. A Greg Popovich style beard (http://www.nba.com/media/suns/pop_300_080719.jpg) would be a huge upgrade for this guy.
-It's hard to tell from the way he's sitting, but he seems like he's in pretty good shape and maybe has a stealth six-pack going on there. But what's with the neck brace? He looks like some guy sitting in court, pretending to have whiplash after a fake car accident. Not trustworthy at all.
-Does he look presidential? Obviously, this question is open to interpretation, and I hope we can explore this issue as we go along. My gut feeling? He doesn't look very presidential, but has the air of a solid Vice President.
-Good President or Evil President? I'm seeing a lot of Malcolm McDowell in him. And I'm talking Tank Girl/remake of Fantasy Island-era Malcolm McDowell. Evil all the way.
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nice choker
or cravat
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Wes, I will be content to hear how you judge each of the presidents based solely on his portrait.
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I'm with you. This guy is total vice presidential material.
He has one of the better names though. No Rutherford B. Hayes, mind you, but a decent name nonetheless.
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(http://img29.picoodle.com/img/img29/3/11/11/f_jamesgarfiem_0ba3a19.jpg)
James Garfield was a leading figure in German romanticism.
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Zachary Taylor, our 12th President
(http://thomaslegion.net/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/president_zachary_taylor.jpg.w300h369.jpg)
I thought of three people when I saw this picture: Mel Brooks, George Kennedy and Robert Pollard. His governing style is ramshackle but ambitious. Ultimately, his enthusiasm leads him to tackle too many projects; when that fails, he's prone to say "What the hell, let's send the Army out somewhere and see what happens." He has a temperamental streak (putting the British ambassador in a headlock) but is a decent enough guy. Not evil, but incompetent.*
To get elected nowadays, he'd have to look less disheveled. The hair's too wild, the cravat is sloppy. He looks like a member of the Decemberists after the encore.
* I swear, I didn't have any thoughts of George Bush until the final sentence.
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Warren G. Harding
29th President of the U.S.
(http://www.historyplace.com/specials/calendar/docs-pix/wg-harding.jpg)
- Looks like some dude on 'Law and Order'.
- No facial hair at all. This was a man that believed in grooming.
- Dark eyebrows, white hair.
- The head looks turned at an uncomfortable angle in relation to the collar.
- Conveys more of an "Associate Justice of the Supreme Court" vibe than President.
- Jowls!
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was Harding the first modern suit coat?
It's fun to watch these as the mens jacket evolves
Perhaps far into the future it will be a lapel-less job like what the leaders in the subcontinent wear
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(http://www.us-coin-values-advisor.com/images/James-Polk.jpg)
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/hippocatgeek/amadeus2.jpg)
I think he has a little bit of a Salieri thing going on - though slightly less decrepit. Maybe that neck brace is hiding the remnants of a botched suicide attempt. Polk knew in his heart he was really a VP (#2) and he saw it every time he looked in the mirror. He was probably riddled with guilt for having deceived America and for taking the #1 slot.
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Vice President is right, Wes. that was very accurate.
Samir: ditto for Associate Justice of the Supreme Court.
(http://www.peoplequiz.com/images/bios/Chester_Alan_Arthu-1338.jpg)
-Charles A. Arthur was the 21st president. His tight, short, uneventful haircut shows how serious of a president he probably was. Too serious for my blood.
-The mustache meets beard wings make it obvious he took himself too seriously. A mustache alone would have been appropriate and to his advantage (especially in appealing to the lower classes).
-His face appears heavy, but his girth stops at the neck. He can't help that's how God made him. His body shape is a pear and pears are sweet, going well with nuts in any dish. It's a versatile fruit that's extremely underestimated.
-Does he look presidential? He looks like a congressman.
-I see a president with the best intentions but poor execution. I call, Good President.
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Rutherford B. Hayes
19th President
(http://www.historyplace.com/specials/calendar/docs-pix/rb-hayes.jpg)
-Was the subject of a song by 80s Ohio alternative band Great Plains
-Appears to have wielded a great deal of fashion influence on The Band
-Rumored to be related to Nathaniel Buckner
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This thread delivers!
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(http://www.historyplace.com/specials/calendar/docs-pix/rb-hayes.jpg)
-Looks a little like Roberts Blossom (Home Alone)
(http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m47/hippocatgeek/RobertsBlossom.jpg)
Sorry! Last time I play the these-2-people-sorta-look-alike game in this Presidential thread!
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James Buchanan, #15
(http://z.about.com/d/americanhistory/1/0/k/9/15_buchanan_1.jpg)
-Something about his long head with the partially disheveled hair suggests science teacher to me
-For some reason I thought of John Cleese when I saw his picture
-The way he puckers his lips suggests a love of mischief
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(http://www.historyplace.com/specials/calendar/docs-pix/van-buren.jpg)
Van Buren looks like the type of guy who likes to kick small dogs.
Also, I'd imagine he's terribly lactose intolerant and has a "sensitive gut".
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(http://www.historyplace.com/specials/calendar/docs-pix/h-hoover.jpg)
Herbert Hoover: Bob Crane of his day?
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More on the James K. Polk: Vice President At Best feeling: Polk was the first be-mulleted President, but his look has caught on, and it turns out he could make it as a Vice President even today with that hair:
(http://images.huffingtonpost.com/gen/35519/thumbs/s-JOE-BIDEN-MULLET-large.jpg)(http://www.pbs.org/weta/thewest/people/images/polk.jpg)
Good call on the Salieri thing, Emily. He's definitely got a lot of F. Murray Abraham going on in general, which lends some more weight to the Evil President angle.
And great call on the Rutherford B. Hayes/Old Guy From Home Alone match. I think pointing out who they look like is an important part of judging the presidents based solely on their portraits.
(http://www.conservapedia.com/images/thumb/3/3a/Rutherford_hayes.jpg/200px-Rutherford_hayes.jpg)
I would definitely say Evil President for Rutherford B. Hayes. Those are they eyes and beard of an evil wizard who somehow usurped the Office of President in a period in American history where we were most vulnerable to masters of the occult. I have no doubt that Hayes was sworn in on a human skull. It's also very likely that he could turn himself into a vulture and see several minutes into the future, which surely aided him in his campaign. Hayes could not win the office today, but he could absolutely pull the strings of a sinister league bent on world domination. In fact, Rutherford B. Hayes may still be pulling the strings of a sinister league bent on world domination even today, because this doesn't look like a guy who lives and dies the way we average mortals understand those concepts.
Re: Chester A. Arthur, I have but one thing to say right now - LEMMY BEARD. Chester A. Arthur may have put on some pounds and settled down by the time he got in office, but he was clearly a hellraiser in his day. And yet somehow certainly not our most intimidating president (based solely on his portrait), not by a longshot.
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(http://www.historyplace.com/specials/calendar/docs-pix/h-hoover.jpg)
Herbert Hoover: Bob Crane of his day?
Looks like he would be a fine president of Grayson Moorhead Securities.
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I was a little off when I thought James Buchanan looked like John Cleese. He looks much more like Jim Broadbent.
(http://scryscript.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/jim-broadbent.jpg)
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Re: Chester A. Arthur, I have but one thing to say right now - LEMMY BEARD.
the thought entered my mind, Wes, but when i did my research, Charles A. Arthur clearly doesnt have a connecting mustache/beard combo. his jowls are bone dry. however, i do agree on your view of his juvenile days and have no doubt that when it was time to get serious and start campaigning, he boxed his records away in the attic, evidence of life lived raising hell.
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Re: Chester A. Arthur, I have but one thing to say right now - LEMMY BEARD. Chester A. Arthur may have put on some pounds and settled down by the time he got in office, but he was clearly a hellraiser in his day. And yet somehow certainly not our most intimidating president (based solely on his portrait), not by a longshot.
Take one look and die.
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Van Buren looks like the type of guy who likes to kick small dogs.
SENTENCE OF THE DAY!
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William Howard Taft
President 1909-1913
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/86/William_Howard_Taft.jpg)
-Snored like a motherfucker.
-At two chickens and a cake for lunch each day.
-Was a Rollie Fingers fan, anachronisms be damned.
-Was actually Al Gore in a fake moustache.
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(http://www.homeofheroes.com/presidents/pres_taft.jpg)(http://www.nndb.com/people/394/000044262/victor-buono-sized.jpg)
Taft forces me to refine the Good President vs. Evil President debate. When I look at Taft, I see something of a gentlemanly supercriminal, a Victor Buono type. Taft became President via some kind of plot or scheme, and even he looks shocked to have pulled it off. This is a guy who was used to robbing high stakes riverboat card games or banks while carrying around a cane that shot out darts or knockout gas, and now here he is, President of the United States after rigging the election.
He wouldn't have lasted an entire term in office. After becoming President, he'd try to sell the country to France or something, but his plot would be uncovered by the Lone Ranger or Jonah Hex or somebody like that, and he'd be forced to resign in shame. Also, Taft would be one of those Presidents who wouldn't work out of the White House. I imagine his brief presidency would be headquartered primarily in some kind of airship.
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(http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f77/BronxBriar/millard-fillmore-picture.jpg)
Milliard Fillmore was re-incarnated as Alec Baldwin.
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(http://www.historyplace.com/specials/calendar/docs-pix/whharrison.jpg)
Harrison:
- Consorted with witches
- Flatulent
- Had massive, droopy flaps of skin on his neck that he neatly tucked into his collar each morning
- Related to Alan Rickman
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Harrison killed Dumbledore!
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was that before or after he played the part of ichabod crane?
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This is perhaps the best idea for a thread I've ever heard. It doesn't even have to end when we run out of Presidents!
Andrew Johnson
17th President of the United States
(http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/8043/ajohnsonbx3.jpg)
- Don't start no shit, won't be no shit.
- Genetically responsible for Tommy Lee Jones.
- Has no truck with that whatsoever. Also thinks everything stinks.
- Shaved off the handlebar mustache just for his turn in office, regrets it.
- Prefers a "hands on" approach to whipping his slaves.
Conclusion: Probably evil.
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- Genetically responsible for Tommy Lee Jones.
I can see that but my first thought was Bill O'Reilly.
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- Genetically responsible for Tommy Lee Jones.
I can see that but my first thought was Bill O'Reilly.
I am going with Karl Malden or WC Fields
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I was a little off when I thought James Buchanan looked like John Cleese. He looks much more like Jim Broadbent.
(http://scryscript.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/jim-broadbent.jpg)
Or Jim Broadbent's evil twin
(http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee183/gaughin/colin-mochrie-interactivevoices-blo.jpg)
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Torn between the isolationist members of his own party and the Teddy Roosevelt-led faction howling for blood after the sinking of the Lusitania, Woodrow Wilson crafted a compromise: He would keep the U.S. out of the Great War — but only if people stayed out of his candy jar.
Wilson, who entered the Presidency with a reputation for aloofness, assiduously cultivated it further once in office. He paid a White House gardener $10 to leave baseballs, model planes, and hoops around the White House lawn, maintaining the air of the scary old neighbor. Tellingly, he later took the $10 out of the gardener's pay, claiming to smell whiskey on his breath.
But while staffers feared Wilson, they loved his candy jar. The jar on Wilson's desk, stocked with fresh Clark Bars everyday, had become a frequent stop for White House aides, Cabinet members, and on several occasions, Vice President Thomas Marshall. Stepping out of his office one day for five minutes, he came back to find his jar bare. Outraged, Wilson called an emergency joint session of Congress to outline his plan.
The plan was not as well-developed as it would come to be remembered in later years. Of the 14 points, 12 were a variation of "Stay the hell away from my candy jar." But the key phrase took on a life of its own:
"Be it hereby resolved:
That Congress shall declare no act of war against a sovereign nation, regardless of any belligerence toward our nation or its allies, until a confection of or belonging to the President, among an assemblage of such sweets found in his designated jar, shall be found to be removed from said location without the authorization of the President or the First Lady."
First Lady Edith Bolling Galt Wilson privately worried the curmudgeonly request would make America turn against the Presidency. Early polls were inconclusive; then, Wilson's PR department sprang to work. They blanketed newspapers with full-page drawings of Woodrow Wilson slapping Red Sox center fielder Tris Speaker's hand away from the jar and cheekily admonishing Speaker, "Now, now, Tris. The Red Sox can't win everything." The Irving Berlin-penned song "Keep Your Hands Off The President's Candy (Keep Your Hands Off My Ragtime Gal)" sold 5 million copies of sheet music, making it 1916's biggest seller. (Rumor had it that Berlin knocked the song out in real time, aided by the gun pointed at his temple by chief propagandist George Creel.)
Wilson rode the ensuing popularity to a come-from-behind win in the 1916 elections. But the fragile candy détente was too good to last. After agents intercepted a note from a German diplomat seeking to enlist Mexico in the war, Wilson began looking for ways to break his popular pledge. He moved the fabled jar first out into the hallway, then by the front entrance, and finally, right outside the gates of the White House. Trained all too well, the public refused to bite. Then 4-year-old Johnny Thompson of Bend, Oregon, overcome by his first sight of a Moon Pie, ran to the jar and swiped a piece. The action gave rise to the phrase "Johnny-on-the-spot."
Wilson, talking with a White House photographer and a cluster of aides, jerked his head toward the window.
(http://www.historyplace.com/specials/calendar/docs-pix/wilson.jpg)
"Get Congress," he said. "Now."
(OK, that's not really reimagining him. But I think Woodrow Wilson is unique among all the presidents; even if you've never cracked a U.S. History textbook in your life, you've got him figured out.)
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James Garfield was a leading figure in German romanticism.
and was assassinated by the only guy at the oneida free love compound who nobody wanted to have sex with.
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This is perhaps the best idea for a thread I've ever heard. It doesn't even have to end when we run out of Presidents!
Andrew Johnson
17th President of the United States
(http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/8043/ajohnsonbx3.jpg)
- Don't start no shit, won't be no shit.
- Genetically responsible for Tommy Lee Jones.
- Has no truck with that whatsoever. Also thinks everything stinks.
- Shaved off the handlebar mustache just for his turn in office, regrets it.
- Prefers a "hands on" approach to whipping his slaves.
Conclusion: Probably evil.
[/quote
this guy looks like a complete fucking asshole
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It's Fred Thompson's fraternity photo.
This is perhaps the best idea for a thread I've ever heard. It doesn't even have to end when we run out of Presidents!
Andrew Johnson
17th President of the United States
(http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/8043/ajohnsonbx3.jpg)
- Don't start no shit, won't be no shit.
- Genetically responsible for Tommy Lee Jones.
- Has no truck with that whatsoever. Also thinks everything stinks.
- Shaved off the handlebar mustache just for his turn in office, regrets it.
- Prefers a "hands on" approach to whipping his slaves.
Conclusion: Probably evil.
[/quote
this guy looks like a complete fucking asshole
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Andrew Johnson
17th President of the United States
(http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/8043/ajohnsonbx3.jpg)
It makes me think Pete Rose traveled back in time to lay $10,000 on the first Cincinnati Red Stockings game, but screwed up the year. He lost his money after getting knocked out in a bar fight, but was able to parlay his half-remembered knowledge of events into a Vice Presidential nod. He vaguely remembered something about "Our American Cousin," and beat the Ford Theatre's owner in a drinking contest for free tickets.
Evil!
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Martin Van Buren
(http://z.about.com/d/americanhistory/1/0/e/9/8_van_buren_1.jpg)
- possibly a mutant
(http://www.geocities.com/waspinatorbj/old/images/2007/grammer.jpeg)
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after reading this thread, I felt compelled to brush up on my (non-existent) knowledge of US Presidents, which led me to:
Presidential Biographies (http://www.whitehouse.gov/kids/presidents/)
Art and information provided by fifth-graders from Abingdon Elementary School in Arlington, Virginia. Coloringbook drawings by White House artist Rania Hassan.
check out these dope portraits! If you put these up in some former bakery/ current storefront art "space" and had someone circuit bend a Speak & Spell for an audio soundscape, you'd be featured in a 6 page spread in Artforum within weeks.
Andrew Jackson
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/AJac1.jpg)
Rutherford Hayes
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/RH1.jpg)
Chester Arthur
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/CA1.jpg)
JFK
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/JFK1.jpg)
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Chester Arthur
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/CA1.jpg)
What is Chester Arthur wearing? He looks like a pimp that ended up on the cutting room floor of Yellow Submarine. "If we want the G rating, we need to take the pimp out."
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Chester Arthur
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/CA1.jpg)
What is Chester Arthur wearing? He looks like a pimp that ended up on the cutting room floor of Yellow Submarine. "If we want the G rating, we need to take the pimp out."
something from the Steve Harvey spring line
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Chester Arthur
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/CA1.jpg)
What is Chester Arthur wearing? He looks like a pimp that ended up on the cutting room floor of Yellow Submarine. "If we want the G rating, we need to take the pimp out."
something from the Steve Harvey spring line
Nice!
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(http://www.whitehouse.gov/kids/presidents/images/WH2.jpg)(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/12/Drfate4.jpg)
William Henry Harrison was clearly the first person to serve as both President and Dr. Fate at the same time. At least we know now why his term in office was so short.
Woodrow Wilson
28th President of the United States
(http://www.classroomhelp.com/lessons/Presidents/presimages/wilson.jpg)
By far my favorite President based solely on his portrait. I could see how some people might underestimate this guy as a college dean type, but look into those eyes. That is the steely gaze of a professional killer. Wilson is neither staring ahead nor looking off wistfully like many presidents, he's distracted with an important thought, probably whether or not he needs to kill the Kaiser himself.
I would speculate that Wilson was not the kind of guy who sought out the Office of the President, but grudgingly took the job because it needed to be done. Prior to this, he had been active in the field with some classified intelligence office. And they probably didn't call him Woodrow and definitely not Woody. Maybe Wood Wilson. Or Stick. Yeah, Agent Stick Wilson, CIA. He probably once had to kill a guy with his glasses, like in Godfather 3.
Wilson was almost certainly one of the finest hand-to-hand combatants ever to hold the Office of President, and would be one of the few who could personally defend the White House if it was infiltrated and under attack by enemy agents. He would likely do so with a garotte wire disguised in his watch fob, a weapon also carried by George H.W. Bush and Richard Nixon, although Nixon's watch was just a gift from G. Gordon Liddy and he never knew it had garotte wire in it.
All of this might seem to be pointing to an Evil President, but no, Wilson was one of the good ones. He just had to get his hands dirty to protect the nation every now and then. It wasn't something he relished, just something that needed to be done. Nobody messes with America. Not when Stick Wilson is on duty.
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This portrait of FDR gives the impression that he's the sort of man who has a thing for ladies undies. (Not wearing them, just collecting them... like that guy in Little Children)
(http://shangri-la.0catch.com/img/FDR.jpg)
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James Buchanan, #15
(http://z.about.com/d/americanhistory/1/0/k/9/15_buchanan_1.jpg)
One of my all-time favorite presidents, visually speaking. His real-life nickname was "Babyface Buchanan". Look at that portrait - seriously, who does not want this man as their Grampa? That is clearly the face of a man who knows how to play the spoons, or a man who will take his dentures out and hide them places for a prank.
I tried to paint him once*, but I wasn't able to get that quality to come across. He ended up looking much more like some sort of unfrozen caveman-president:
(http://patkewleyisgreat.com/images/paintings/james%20buchanan.jpg)
* Not from life.
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I'm on board with the general love for Buchanan based solely on his portrait. Definitely our most whimsical president. Bissell nailed it with the Broadbent comparison. That Old Buchanan portrait also has a Denholm Elliot look, and Buchanan as President would have been like Marcus Brody as President, but the Marcus Brody from Last Crusade, not the Marcus Brody from Raiders.
(http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/images/jb15.gif)
I'd actually go a little further as far as this portrait of Buchanan goes. He's not just whimsical, he's wacky. This is a man who would have demanded a full-time calliope player be hired and installed in the White House to provide music for him. He would get lost in the Rose Garden at least once a week. He would be very slow to anger, but when he would get angry - and no one would ever be able to guess what might set him off, but it would never be anything about foreign policy or the economy, but something weird like gumballs or those giant swirly taffy things - he would turn red-faced and yell "I AM VERY CROSS RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" and storm out of the room, but would instantly forget that he was mad a few minutes later and would return to delight everyone with poorly-performed magic tricks and playing music with half-filled glasses of water.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/d/d1/ElmersCamera.jpg/200px-ElmersCamera.jpg)
President Buchanan Angered By Rabbit (White House Gallery)
Buchanan would have been elected after a bunch of people had gotten together and said "Man, wouldn't it be funny if this guy was president?" and they all agreed to go vote that way. This happens a lot, only this time most of them ended up following through with it. Thankfully, nothing disastrous ended up happening during his presidency, but nothing actually got done either, aside from when he briefly had the columns on the White House painted to look like candy canes, only they ended up looking like barber polls, which greatly upset President Buchanan, who, it turned out, had lingering fears of getting his hair cut. So they had to repaint the columns, but only had red paint on hand and so the White House was very briefly painted red for several weeks in 1859.
(http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/looneytunes/images/4/46/Eggheaddayathezoo.jpg)
Buchanan Leaves Office 1861 (White House Gallery)
When it was time for re-election, everybody who had jokingly/drunkenly voted for a "crazy president" last time around agreed that they all still liked Buchanan well enough, but maybe this time it would be a good idea to take this voting thing seriously. As a result, Lincoln was ushered into office and it was silently agreed that nobody would ever bring up that whole Buchanan bit of business ever again.
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I got two words for this thread:
book deal.
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Woodrow Wilson
28th President of the United States
(http://www.classroomhelp.com/lessons/Presidents/presimages/wilson.jpg)
That is the steely gaze of a professional killer. Wilson is neither staring ahead nor looking off wistfully like many presidents, he's distracted with an important thought, probably whether or not he needs to kill the Kaiser himself.
Wilson was almost certainly one of the finest hand-to-hand combatants ever to hold the Office of President, and would be one of the few who could personally defend the White House if it was infiltrated and under attack by enemy agents. Nobody messes with America. Not when Stick Wilson is on duty.
Right on.
Stick Wilson + insanity + really really bad hair = Anton Chigurh
But Stick was one of the good guys, who lent credibility to Americans' notion of themselves personified by the man in the white hat. Stick Wilson. A true. American. Hero.
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You make learning fun, Wes.
I'm on board with the general love for Buchanan based solely on his portrait. Definitely our most whimsical president. Bissell nailed it with the Broadbent comparison. That Old Buchanan portrait also has a Denholm Elliot look, and Buchanan as President would have been like Marcus Brody as President, but the Marcus Brody from Last Crusade, not the Marcus Brody from Raiders.
(http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/images/jb15.gif)
I'd actually go a little further as far as this portrait of Buchanan goes. He's not just whimsical, he's wacky. This is a man who would have demanded a full-time calliope player be hired and installed in the White House to provide music for him. He would get lost in the Rose Garden at least once a week. He would be very slow to anger, but when he would get angry - and no one would ever be able to guess what might set him off, but it would never be anything about foreign policy or the economy, but something weird like gumballs or those giant swirly taffy things - he would turn red-faced and yell "I AM VERY CROSS RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" and storm out of the room, but would instantly forget that he was mad a few minutes later and would return to delight everyone with poorly-performed magic tricks and playing music with half-filled glasses of water.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/d/d1/ElmersCamera.jpg/200px-ElmersCamera.jpg)
President Buchanan Angered By Rabbit (White House Gallery)
Buchanan would have been elected after a bunch of people had gotten together and said "Man, wouldn't it be funny if this guy was president?" and they all agreed to go vote that way. This happens a lot, only this time most of them ended up following through with it. Thankfully, nothing disastrous ended up happening during his presidency, but nothing actually got done either, aside from when he briefly had the columns on the White House painted to look like candy canes, only they ended up looking like barber polls, which greatly upset President Buchanan, who, it turned out, had lingering fears of getting his hair cut. So they had to repaint the columns, but only had red paint on hand and so the White House was very briefly painted red for several weeks in 1859.
(http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/looneytunes/images/4/46/Eggheaddayathezoo.jpg)
Buchanan Leaves Office 1861 (White House Gallery)
When it was time for re-election, everybody who had jokingly/drunkenly voted for a "crazy president" last time around agreed that they all still liked Buchanan well enough, but maybe this time it would be a good idea to take this voting thing seriously. As a result, Lincoln was ushered into office and it was silently agreed that nobody would ever bring up that whole Buchanan bit of business ever again.
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Richard Nixon
37th President of the United States
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a5/Richard_Nixon_-_Presidential_portrait.jpg)
Why, it appears we’ve caught President Nixon off guard!
“Hm-wha? Oh, hello! I didn’t see you come in!” he says warmly as he turns away from his desk. The body language on display here is positive and open. His hands move down towards the lap he’s offering with his left knee, almost as if gesturing us – like a beloved pop-pop – to hop up and tell us what we learned in school today. His face has a guarded but pleasant expression; Nixon was brought up sternly in tough times, but this just means he loves us all the more and will protect us.
Look at the deep green walls, the broad desk, the comfy seat and the books stacked neatly to the side. No doubt the rest of the furniture in his Oval Office looks like the cover of the Beach Boys’ Love You album. Yes, the Nixon White House is a happy place, filled with scotty dogs, bowls of hard candy and a big old fashioned record player that you probably shouldn’t touch, but sometimes Mrs. Nixon lets you put a record on all by yourself and she and President Nixon will tell you about the dances they used to do to this music, which is kind of corny, but you like it anyway because it reminds you of all the times you visited the White House growing up.
What’s that in President Nixon’s hand? Some papers, a list of some kind? He was working on it when we came in, but he quickly tucked it away. Maybe it was some grown-up work we don't need to worry about...or maybe it was a list of presents he’s buying and he doesn’t want you to see it to spoil the surprise! It doesn’t matter now, because you’re here and that’s all President Nixon cares about. This is a man who can hug away the problems of a nation.
I love you, Pop-Pop President Nixon.
(Edit: Fixed broken portrait)
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I propose that when we have sufficiently tackled all the Presidents, we move on to world leaders.
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after reading this thread, I felt compelled to brush up on my (non-existent) knowledge of US Presidents, which led me to:
Presidential Biographies (http://www.whitehouse.gov/kids/presidents/)
Art and information provided by fifth-graders from Abingdon Elementary School in Arlington, Virginia. Coloringbook drawings by White House artist Rania Hassan.
check out these dope portraits! If you put these up in some former bakery/ current storefront art "space" and had someone circuit bend a Speak & Spell for an audio soundscape, you'd be featured in a 6 page spread in Artforum within weeks.
Andrew Jackson
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/AJac1.jpg)
Rutherford Hayes
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/RH1.jpg)
Chester Arthur
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/CA1.jpg)
JFK
(http://www.kickthebobo.com/JFK1.jpg)
Thank You for finding the Presidential Daytrotter sessions.
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Jimmy Carter
39th President of the United States
(http://www.jimmycarterlibrary.org/tour/gifts_of_state/images/portrait.jpg)
"Vigilance is the foundation on which simple, decent and affordable houses are built."
Possessed of startling versatility and staggering strength, Jimmy Carter is the President they depend on when all other options are exhausted. In battle, he is a mighty instrument of titanic destructive force, unwavering and ever-valiant in his attack. The very ground trembles when he unleashes his weaponry. But despite his enormous power, President Carter suffers from extreme modesty. In fact, he often berates himself for not being able to contribute more to the American cause, a comment that never fails to mystify his comrades and even causes some to shake their heads and laugh at its absurdity. Jimmy Carter's role usually prevents him from being in the front lines, a situation he finds frustrating, but the other Presidents understand and accept completely. Their friendship and respect for him is clear evidence to that. And they all prefer Jimmy Carter in his current role. Knowing he's backing them up is a constant source of reassurance. As one President once said, "No matter what happens to the rest of us, the war's not over as long as Jimmy Carter is there."
In robot mode, President Carter can lift 70,000 tons, has shoulder-mounted twin high-energy maser cannons and omni-directional receiving and transmitting antenna. In Habitat mode, has helipad and fully equipped repair bays that can handle four vehicles at once. Left rear tower transforms into tank, Mondale, who has rocket-propelled mortar cannon. Amy is a sports car with side mounted electro-blasters; transforms into robot, uses high-energy particle beam pistol and roller skates. Six-Pack is small robot and brother to President Carter, has ion-pulse rifles for arms, twin surface-to-air guided missile launchers on back, acetylene pistol and line of shitty beer. In battle station mode, President Carter uses all these weapons and twin disrupter rays, laser lances, powerful anti-matter projectors and strong committment to national energy policies.
Strength 8 Intelligence 10 Speed 2 Lust 9 Rank 5 Compassion 10 Wussiness 9 Skill 7
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Wes, I just want you to know that -- even with a huge deadline looming -- I have been dreaming up and discarding entries for this thread, as nothing I can imagine can even come close to these.
Please make this into a book. I will help you meet publishers. This book must be on every coffee table in America by 2011.
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Take GK up on his offer, Wes. This book would blow anything from 33 1/3 right off the shelf.
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Chester "Aaaaaaaay!" Arthur
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Wes, I just want you to know that -- even with a huge deadline looming -- I have been dreaming up and discarding entries for this thread, as nothing I can imagine can even come close to these.
Please make this into a book. I will help you meet publishers. This book must be on every coffee table in America by 2011.
Why 2011?
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I think the fall 2012 list would make more sense.
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The holiday season is not a big book buying time. That's what I've been told by Penguin, anyway.
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I was thinking in time for the election, jerk.
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I m just trying to be realistic. These things take time. So just stop screaming at me!
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But you said 2011 and I said 2012. Who's the one rushing things? Huh? (Consider that spoken in a quiet, irritated tone, please.)
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But you said 2011 and I said 2012. Who's the one rushing things? Huh? (Consider that spoken in a quiet, irritated tone, please.)
That's how I always imagine vice-presidents speaking based on their portraits.
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The Nixon portrait-bio was freakin great. Brilliant.
"like a beloved pop-pop" I'm still laughing 2 hours later.
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i agree- listen to JG. the whole time ive been reading, ive considered pitching this to a publisher behind your back, Wes.
you need a manager?
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I was thinking in time for the election, jerk.
You don't call me a jerk, Lubec. I call you a jerk.
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(http://www.northbendohio.org/images/graphics/bharrisonweb.jpg)
Benjamin Harrison
Harrison was our most particular president.
After he returned home from the war, he ate flapjacks at 6am, a sandwich at noon, and some sort of pork and vegetable combination at 6pm. If he didn't get his meals when he wanted them, he would pout, cross his arms, and repeatedly say "I can't hear you" to anyone who tried to talk to him.
He was also quite the hypochondriac, occasionally lifting his beard over his nose and mouth to avoid "those vile germs" from entering his body during his younger days. He was finally convinced to stop as it was a very "un-presidential" habit, which is when he trimmed his beard. However, it should be noted that he cried like a baby as it was cut off, and scampered off to his room on all fours like a three-year-old when it was done. Ironically he died of influenza.
And lastly, he really liked his chair:
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/f3/Martin_Crane.jpg/250px-Martin_Crane.jpg)
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This book needs to get in production before 2011 because Vice Presidents are now off the table:
http://www.amazon.com/Veeps-Profiles-Insignificance-Bill-Kelter/dp/1603090037/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227164469&sr=8-1
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(http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee183/gaughin/Ford.jpg)
Toiling by day in the Blessed Assurance Insurance company, working through most of the night pursuing his horrible desires, Gerald Ford will live forever in infamy. After years of systematically constructing his hellish shrine, and within weeks of his retirement from his day job, a simple oversight ended his reign of blood terror. But for a single tiny red horizontal splatter on his otherwise immaculately clean and pressed shirt collar, noticed by his secretary as he reached over her for the 1977 actuarial tables (cancer-related), the conflagration in his cellar might never have been discovered.
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i would love to see this topic revisited with the presidents that havent been covered yet. let's complete the series.
and its one of my all-time favorite threads on the board.
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(http://www.ushistoricalarchive.com/presidents/46.jpg)
Franklin Pierce's time in office was rather undistinguished, but he did manage to invent method acting. Gabriel Byrne just landed the lead role in HBO's upcoming 26-part miniseries, Pierce, which among other topics delves into his lifelong friendship with General Lee F. Strasberg I.
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Shit, I forgot I already did the Gabriel Byrne/Franklin Pierce thing. I thought I decided not to bother last time. Way to ruin the thread, me.
EDIT: I've removed that old post, so now you'll never know! HA!
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(http://politic.ology.com/files/2008/10/thomas-jefferson.jpg)
-was a surfer in his younger years. he nailed babes under the pier and was the bon fire king. nobody could tame the wave quite like jefferson.
-a closet vegetarian.
-his favorite show is 24.
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(http://www.history.org/visit/eventsandexhibits/specialevents/johnAdamsHBO_images/JohnAdams.jpg)
Virgin.
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Special Edition
Judge A President Based Solely On A Wooden Deathmask And The Contents Of His Pockets At The Time Of His Assassination
(http://i48.tinypic.com/6ise9s.jpg)
While the purpose of this thread was to contemplate what the phyical appearance of a famous statesman might mean when divorced of the context of - HOLY SHIT, DID ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAVE A FAKE MOUSTACHE KIT IN HIS POCKET AT THE TIME OF HIS ASSASSINATION?
Look at that thing in the left corner! That's totally a fake moustache compartment. Abraham Lincoln - he of the beard with no moustache look - had a fake moustache compartment in his pocket at the time of his assassination. And he had two pairs of glasses. And a pocket knife. This can indicate one thing and one thing only: Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States, was a Master of Disguise.
But wait! Not only did Abraham Lincoln have a fake moustache holder in his pocket at the time of his assassination, the fake moustache is missing. Let that sink in for a minute. Lincoln, a proven master of disguise, was carrying a fake moustache kit at the time of his murder, but he neither had the fake moustache in his kit nor was he wearing it.
(http://www.findagrave.com/photos250/photos/2007/24/112_116975584176.jpg)
Now, please look at this picture of Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth. Booth, you may notice, sports a moustache. A moustache, I hold, that could easily fit into the fake moustache compartment that was in Lincoln's pockets the very night that Booth killed Lincoln.
An actor. A master of disguise. A fake moustache kit. A missing fake moustache. A pocket knife. What does it all mean? What could is possibly mean other than the truth: Abraham Lincoln shaved off his beard with his pocket knife, put on the fake moustache he was carrying and escaped Ford's Theater disguised as the very man who supposedly attempted to kill him, John Wilkes Booth.
(Side note: I assume that the framed portrait of Lincoln and the five dollar bill were not actually in Lincoln's pocket at the time of his death and are just there for reference. Because that would imply some kind of time travel, which is ridiculous.)
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Welcome back, This Thread. I missed you and you are awesome. HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY.
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This thread needs a book deal, but 'Stuff White People Like' and 'S%((%^ My Dad Says' may have blown publishers' potential enthusiasm.
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SPECIAL AFTER PRESIDENT'S DAY SALE EDITION
Featuring the surprising return of...
James K. Polk
11th President of the United States(http://www.whitehouse.gov/sites/default/files/first-family/masthead_image/11jp_header.jpg?1250876884)
Get a load of the size of this dude's dome! Previous portrait-specific judgments of James K. Polk have focused almost exclusively on his trend-setting mullet, which one might now assume was grown to draw attention away from his huuuuge skull, but I am now of the opinion - based solely on this portrait - that Polk started out with long flowing hair that eventually only appeared to be what we now call a mullet once he ended up with that freakish melon up there.
What can we take from this? Well, one must assume that Polk was surely our smartest president, as the only logical explanation for that ginourmous noggin is that it grew proportionally to house some kind of rapidly-expanding superbrain. Limited by the intentional lack of historical context that this topic requires, we cannot in good faith speculate what might have caused this mutation. We can, however, freely speculate as to what kind of presidential super powers that Polk would have likely wielded while in office.
Telepathy: Yes. No question, Polk was some kind of telepath, though perhaps not of the highest levels. Based on he presumed size of his mutant superbrain, Polk was likely able to read the minds of those within close proximity, but only those without extensive training in psychic defense. He was also likely able to project his thoughts over great distances to members of his Cabinet. He may have also been able to influence the thoughts of the weak-minded, but based on the clear-eyed nature of his portrait, it seems unlikely that President Polk would have abused this aspect of his power.
Precognition: Unlikely. While several Presidents may have been able to accurately describe future events through various means - Rutherford B. Hayes through his mastery of the Dark Magicks, Taft through stolen steam-powered supercomputers, Van Buren because of his time travel exploits - there is no reason to assume that Polk had any precog ability, as this power is less likely to crop up under traditional mutant superbrain power trees. Not ruling it out but, I dunno, just not feelin' it here.
Photographic memory: Obviously.
Photographic reflexes: Potentially. Though the sheer size of my man's crown means it would have never come up.
Telekinesis: Almost certainly. Polk is likely the only telekinetic to ever hold the Office of President. (Note: Any historical evidence of Rutherford B. Hayes displaying telekinetic powers is likely the result of poorly-informed eyewitness testimony. Any time Hayes appeared to be remotely moving an object, it was actually being manipulated by an invisible spirit in his thrall.) Based on the size of his skull at the time of this portrait, Hayes may have been able to hold a small adult aloft in the air for brief periods of time, and probably could force toss a fully-grown man back several feet. He would have also been able to telekinetically throw bladed or blunt weapons at attackers and would have been able to project an invisible forcefield capable of temporarily deflecting the small arms fire of the day by the end of his term, though maintaining this defensive shield would have proven greatly taxing on his mental capabilities.
Finally, James K. Polk, as he would have been rated according to the 1-7 scale ued by the 1992 Marvel Universe Series III Trading Cards/Library of Congress:Strength: 2 (Nearest equivalent - William Howard Taft)
Intelligence: 6 (Nearest equivalent - Doctor Doom)
Energy Projection: 3 (Nearest equivalent - Ulysses S. Grant)
Mental Powers: 6 (Nearest equivalent - Professor X)
Fighting Ability: 1 (Nearest equivalent - Jimmy Carter)
Speed: 1 (Nearest equivalent - Professor x)
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This thread needs a book deal, but 'Stuff White People Like' and 'S%((%^ My Dad Says' may have blown publishers' potential enthusiasm.
Difference? This is funny and original. But yes, it does lack the certain "hey, I barely tried on this" that seems to melt the hearts of publishers.
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This thread needs a book deal, but 'Stuff White People Like' and 'S%((%^ My Dad Says' may have blown publishers' potential enthusiasm.
Difference? This is funny and original. But yes, it does lack the certain "hey, I barely tried on this" that seems to melt the hearts of publishers.
True, and it requires some effort on the part of the reader, what with the entries being longer than a paragraph or two, so that's publishing poison.
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I say get a Name to front the collection (and contribute one text), another Name to write the foreword, and it's off to the printing presses!
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related:
http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/opinions/tippler_traitor_fumbler_fool.php (http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/opinions/tippler_traitor_fumbler_fool.php)
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Bump. 'Tis the season.
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SPECIAL RETURN OF THE BEST SHOW/ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE AND ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN EDITION
Richard M. Nixon
37th President of the United States
(http://thumbs.media.smithsonianmag.com//filer/Indelible-Nixon-Elvis-631.jpg__800x600_q85_crop.jpg)
(President Nixon, right, pictured with unknown associate in 1970)
1969 was an important year for Richard Nixon. He entered the year on a high, having defeated famed Canadian grappler Gene Kniski in 1968 for the National Wrestling Alliance World Heavyweight Championship (worn in photo above), the same title once held by Abraham Lincoln. Having returned the NWA gold to the US, Nixon became the first champion since Lincoln to cash in the stipulation that allowed him to immediately run for President of the United States and was swept into office in January 1969. It would be only the second most important event of his life that year.
For in July 1969, the United States completed its goal to put a man on the moon. Originally conceived as a way to prove US technological superiority over its Communist rivals, the goal quickly changed once Nixon was in office. Instead, astronauts and first human moonwalkers Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were secretly tasked with retrieving a collection of "moondust", the mystical substance that, when carried each night by lunar winds to the surface of the planet, temporarily granted creatures of the night the freedom to move freely over the Earth. With actual moondust retrieved from the surface of the Moon itself and worn in a small pouch around his neck (seen in photo above), President Nixon - himself secretly a powerful vampire lord - was able to move about the world even in direct sunlight, allowing him to create what he would call an "Eternal Empire" covering the whole of the United States and Canada, repelled to the South only by the heroic efforts of El Santo, Champion of Mexico and bane of the undead.
At the height of his powers, Nixon wielded a number of skills and unique abilities on top of his own training as a world-class hand-to-hand combatant, including superhuman strength, limited flight, the ability to transform into mist and hypnotic powers, which he used to turn most of the Senate and many of the nation's industrial leaders into mindless thralls (seen in photo above where a head of American industry, left, is shown enthralled as a gladhanding, spineless puppet happily in service of Nixon's dark empire).
Aside from his ongoing war with Santo to prevent vampiric expansion to into Mexico, Central America and South America (where Nixon hoped to obtain a rare, exotic rain forest soil that would allow easier travel across the Atlantic and Pacific), President Nixon suffered only two setbacks during his time in office. The first came in 1973, when he was defeated for the NWA strap in a surprising upset by "The King" Harley Race, a fearsome wrestler out of Missouri, who overcame Nixon with a his patented diving headbutt attack. The second and arguably more important defeat came in 1977, when Nixon was killed by former Governor of Georgia and Human Resistance Leader James Earl ("Jimmy") Carter, who impaled and destroyed the seemingly immortal Nixon with a wooden stake during a battle on the White House Lawn. Initial reports claimed that Carter had used a stake fashioned from the "True Cross", as it would be the only wood powerful enough to destroy the moondust-enhanced Nixon, but Carter - who would become 38th President of the United States by rite of Trial By Combat - later reported that it was simply a normal wooden stake "crafted with care" and imbued with with nothing more than the "honor and decency of the free American people untainted by the blood of the Dark Lord."