Judging Presidents Based Solely On Their Portraits

[Wes]

I'm on board with the general love for Buchanan based solely on his portrait. Definitely our most whimsical president. Bissell nailed it with the Broadbent comparison. That Old Buchanan portrait also has a Denholm Elliot look, and Buchanan as President would have been like Marcus Brody as President, but the Marcus Brody from Last Crusade, not the Marcus Brody from Raiders.

I'd actually go a little further as far as this portrait of Buchanan goes. He's not just whimsical, he's wacky. This is a man who would have demanded a full-time calliope player be hired and installed in the White House to provide music for him. He would get lost in the Rose Garden at least once a week. He would be very slow to anger, but when he would get angry - and no one would ever be able to guess what might set him off, but it would never be anything about foreign policy or the economy, but something weird like gumballs or those giant swirly taffy things - he would turn red-faced and yell "I AM VERY CROSS RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" and storm out of the room, but would instantly forget that he was mad a few minutes later and would return to delight everyone with poorly-performed magic tricks and playing music with half-filled glasses of water.

President Buchanan Angered By Rabbit (White House Gallery)

Buchanan would have been elected after a bunch of people had gotten together and said "Man, wouldn't it be funny if this guy was president?" and they all agreed to go vote that way. This happens a lot, only this time most of them ended up following through with it. Thankfully, nothing disastrous ended up happening during his presidency, but nothing actually got done either, aside from when he briefly had the columns on the White House painted to look like candy canes, only they ended up looking like barber polls, which greatly upset President Buchanan, who, it turned out, had lingering fears of getting his hair cut. So they had to repaint the columns, but only had red paint on hand and so the White House was very briefly painted red for several weeks in 1859.

Buchanan Leaves Office 1861 (White House Gallery)

When it was time for re-election, everybody who had jokingly/drunkenly voted for a "crazy president" last time around agreed that they all still liked Buchanan well enough, but maybe this time it would be a good idea to take this voting thing seriously. As a result, Lincoln was ushered into office and it was silently agreed that nobody would ever bring up that whole Buchanan bit of business ever again.

[KickTheBobo]

I got two words for this thread:

book deal.

[Fido]

Woodrow Wilson
28th President of the United States

That is the steely gaze of a professional killer. Wilson is neither staring ahead nor looking off wistfully like many presidents, he's distracted with an important thought, probably whether or not he needs to kill the Kaiser himself.

Wilson was almost certainly one of the finest hand-to-hand combatants ever to hold the Office of President, and would be one of the few who could personally defend the White House if it was infiltrated and under attack by enemy agents. Nobody messes with America. Not when Stick Wilson is on duty.

Right on.

Stick Wilson + insanity + really really bad hair = Anton Chigurh

But Stick was one of the good guys, who lent credibility to Americans' notion of themselves personified by the man in the white hat. Stick Wilson. A true. American. Hero.

[Steve of Bloomington]

You make learning fun, Wes.

I'm on board with the general love for Buchanan based solely on his portrait. Definitely our most whimsical president. Bissell nailed it with the Broadbent comparison. That Old Buchanan portrait also has a Denholm Elliot look, and Buchanan as President would have been like Marcus Brody as President, but the Marcus Brody from Last Crusade, not the Marcus Brody from Raiders.

I'd actually go a little further as far as this portrait of Buchanan goes. He's not just whimsical, he's wacky. This is a man who would have demanded a full-time calliope player be hired and installed in the White House to provide music for him. He would get lost in the Rose Garden at least once a week. He would be very slow to anger, but when he would get angry - and no one would ever be able to guess what might set him off, but it would never be anything about foreign policy or the economy, but something weird like gumballs or those giant swirly taffy things - he would turn red-faced and yell "I AM VERY CROSS RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" and storm out of the room, but would instantly forget that he was mad a few minutes later and would return to delight everyone with poorly-performed magic tricks and playing music with half-filled glasses of water.

President Buchanan Angered By Rabbit (White House Gallery)

Buchanan would have been elected after a bunch of people had gotten together and said "Man, wouldn't it be funny if this guy was president?" and they all agreed to go vote that way. This happens a lot, only this time most of them ended up following through with it. Thankfully, nothing disastrous ended up happening during his presidency, but nothing actually got done either, aside from when he briefly had the columns on the White House painted to look like candy canes, only they ended up looking like barber polls, which greatly upset President Buchanan, who, it turned out, had lingering fears of getting his hair cut. So they had to repaint the columns, but only had red paint on hand and so the White House was very briefly painted red for several weeks in 1859.

Buchanan Leaves Office 1861 (White House Gallery)

When it was time for re-election, everybody who had jokingly/drunkenly voted for a "crazy president" last time around agreed that they all still liked Buchanan well enough, but maybe this time it would be a good idea to take this voting thing seriously. As a result, Lincoln was ushered into office and it was silently agreed that nobody would ever bring up that whole Buchanan bit of business ever again.

[Wes]

Richard Nixon
37th President of the United States

Why, it appears we’ve caught President Nixon off guard!

“Hm-wha? Oh, hello! I didn’t see you come in!” he says warmly as he turns away from his desk. The body language on display here is positive and open. His hands move down towards the lap he’s offering with his left knee, almost as if gesturing us – like a beloved pop-pop – to hop up and tell us what we learned in school today. His face has a guarded but pleasant expression; Nixon was brought up sternly in tough times, but this just means he loves us all the more and will protect us.

Look at the deep green walls, the broad desk, the comfy seat and the books stacked neatly to the side. No doubt the rest of the furniture in his Oval Office looks like the cover of the Beach Boys’ Love You album. Yes, the Nixon White House is a happy place, filled with scotty dogs, bowls of hard candy and a big old fashioned record player that you probably shouldn’t touch, but sometimes Mrs. Nixon lets you put a record on all by yourself and she and President Nixon will tell you about the dances they used to do to this music, which is kind of corny, but you like it anyway because it reminds you of all the times you visited the White House growing up.

What’s that in President Nixon’s hand? Some papers, a list of some kind? He was working on it when we came in, but he quickly tucked it away. Maybe it was some grown-up work we don't need to worry about...or maybe it was a list of presents he’s buying and he doesn’t want you to see it to spoil the surprise! It doesn’t matter now, because you’re here and that’s all President Nixon cares about. This is a man who can hug away the problems of a nation.

I love you, Pop-Pop President Nixon.

(Edit: Fixed broken portrait)

[jbissell]

I propose that when we have sufficiently tackled all the Presidents, we move on to world leaders.

[mr. wolfsheim]

after reading this thread, I felt compelled to brush up on my (non-existent) knowledge of US Presidents, which led me to:

Presidential Biographies

Art and information provided by fifth-graders from Abingdon Elementary School in Arlington, Virginia. Coloringbook drawings by White House artist Rania Hassan.

check out these dope portraits! If you put these up in some former bakery/ current storefront art "space" and had someone circuit bend a Speak & Spell for an audio soundscape, you'd be featured in a 6 page spread in Artforum within weeks.


Andrew Jackson




Rutherford Hayes




Chester Arthur




JFK

Thank You for finding the Presidential Daytrotter sessions.

[Wes]

Jimmy Carter
39th President of the United States

"Vigilance is the foundation on which simple, decent and affordable houses are built."

Possessed of startling versatility and staggering strength, Jimmy Carter is the President they depend on when all other options are exhausted.  In battle, he is a mighty instrument of titanic destructive force, unwavering and ever-valiant in his attack.  The very ground trembles when he unleashes his weaponry.  But despite his enormous power, President Carter suffers from extreme modesty.  In fact, he often berates himself for not being able to contribute more to the American cause, a comment that never fails to mystify his comrades and even causes some to shake their heads and laugh at its absurdity.  Jimmy Carter's role usually prevents him from being in the front lines, a situation he finds frustrating, but the other Presidents understand and accept completely.  Their friendship and respect for him is clear evidence to that.  And they all prefer Jimmy Carter in his current role.  Knowing he's backing them up is a constant source of reassurance.  As one President once said, "No matter what happens to the rest of us, the war's not over as long as Jimmy Carter is there."

In robot mode, President Carter can lift 70,000 tons, has shoulder-mounted twin high-energy maser cannons and omni-directional receiving and transmitting antenna. In Habitat mode, has helipad and fully equipped repair bays that can handle four vehicles at once. Left rear tower transforms into tank, Mondale, who has rocket-propelled mortar cannon. Amy is a sports car with side mounted electro-blasters; transforms into robot, uses high-energy particle beam pistol and roller skates. Six-Pack is small robot and brother to President Carter, has ion-pulse rifles for arms, twin surface-to-air guided missile launchers on back, acetylene pistol and line of shitty beer. In battle station mode, President Carter uses all these weapons and twin disrupter rays, laser lances, powerful anti-matter projectors and strong committment to national energy policies.

Strength 8  Intelligence 10  Speed 2  Lust 9  Rank 5  Compassion 10  Wussiness 9  Skill 7 

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

Wes, I just want you to know that -- even with a huge deadline looming -- I have been dreaming up and discarding entries for this thread, as nothing I can imagine can even come close to these.

Please make this into a book.  I will help you meet publishers.  This book must be on every coffee table in America by 2011.

[Steve of Bloomington]

Take GK up on his offer, Wes.  This book would blow anything from 33 1/3 right off the shelf.

[buffcoat]

Chester "Aaaaaaaay!" Arthur

[Emily]

Wes, I just want you to know that -- even with a huge deadline looming -- I have been dreaming up and discarding entries for this thread, as nothing I can imagine can even come close to these.

Please make this into a book.  I will help you meet publishers.  This book must be on every coffee table in America by 2011.

Why 2011?

[Sarah]

I think the fall 2012 list would make more sense.

[buffcoat]

The holiday season is not a big book buying time.  That's what I've been told by Penguin, anyway.

[Sarah]

I was thinking in time for the election, jerk.