WHO SHOULD BE MAYOR OF NEWBRIDGE? VOTE HERE!

[Sarah]

Why do you suppose so many people are voting for Philly Boy Roy, an avowed hater of all things New Jersey?  Then again, in a country where so many working-class people vote Republican, why am I wondering?

[Richard_From_CHI]

Self hating Newbridgians?

[Richard_From_CHI]

I'd like to hear a more in-depth discussion with Candidate Mike tonight, especially since (many of) the other candidates are in London.

I agree. Lets get Mike on-air to discuss the issues.

[Lacey]

He also admitted off air that he thought it would be "cool and stuff" to be mayor because he was under the impression that as mayor he would get to eat as much free ice cream as he wanted.

Pudge is smart enough to deal with a change in plans.  All that would need to happen is someone gently coming up to him and saying 'hey, buddy, you don't actually get to eat all the free ice cream you want.'  And presto!  He's moved on from free ice cream to solving the sinkhole problem.

What other candidate demonstrates this kind of flexibility?  He may not be Matt Damon (in Good Will Hunting), but who needs to be Matt Damon (in Good Will Hunting)?  We don't need a mayor with a celebrity complex unless it is Marky Ramone, Hammerhead, Zachary Brimstead, Pablo Fontana, or Philly Boy Roy.

Vote Pudge!  He Probably Won't Eat All The Free Ice Cream In Newbridge If Somebody Politely Asks Him Not To Eat All The Free Ice Cream In Newbridge!

[B_Buster]

I hate to say this, Lacey, but I think you are misguided when it comes to Pudge's "timid" nature. Have you already forgotten Pudge's death threats to Tom? What do you make of those? The kid has a dark side and I'd hate to see what that dark side could unleash on the residents of Newbridge.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to appeal to all the misguided people voting for Hammerhead. Please, stop it. The guy's a dunce. Just think of the havoc he will create if he achieves his goal of turning Newbridge into one giant pit. Do you really want to participate in a pit while on line at the grocery store? Or at the library? Think of the catastrophic consequences of garbage men or police officers or EMTs who would rather form "a really good pit" than perform their duties. It would be chaos, I tell you!

[Lacey]

Have you already forgotten Pudge's death threats to Tom?

Yeah, I pretty much had.  But we all know that you're the only one, blah blah blah, who hasn't threatened to kill Tom, blah blah blah.  Old news!  It's time for the campaign to move past killing Tom, as we all know where the candidates stand on the issue (everyone: for it, you: against it), and begin to focus on issues that people may be unclear on.

And dark side?  You want to be the one warning people about a dark side?  You, with your propensity towards drink and tattooing, two favored activities of those most notable representatives of the dark side:  PIRATES!  I think it would be in your best interest to play down other candidates' dark sides, lest more of your own seedy habits rise to the surface of this debate.

[B_Buster]

Why do you suppose so many people are voting for Philly Boy Roy, an avowed hater of all things New Jersey?  Then again, in a country where so many working-class people vote Republican, why am I wondering?

I don't get it either, Sarah. I suspect something underhanded is going on. I wouldn't be surprised if he's extorting votes from nonresidents upon threat of not serving them their chili dogs down at the WaWa.

Marky Ramone, I can understand. The guy's a living legend. And, frankly, as a Ramones fan, I wouldn't mind hearing some more of his tour stories.

My strategy from here on out is to try to siphon off some of the Hammerhead and Pudge Palfner vote. I think that should be enough to put me over the top. 

[Richard_From_CHI]

To all of the Pudge backers, how many times do you want to endure the "and stuff" speech tick during the weekly Newbridge tire-fireside chat broadcasts.

A vote for APM/ ZB is a vote for clear diction.

[B_Buster]

That's the spirit, Richard! And to all my other supporters, I say, the gloves are off. Time to go negative on Hammerhead and Pudge Palfner.

As for the Brimstead affiliation, I cannot at this time confirm, but neither will I rule it out. Let's not forget that at the end of the debate he and I were the only ones with our shirts off. At least in that we are united.

[hugman]

Do you really want to participate in a pit while on line at the grocery store? Or at the library? Think of the catastrophic consequences of garbage men or police officers or EMTs who would rather form "a really good pit" than perform their duties. It would be chaos, I tell you!

Are you kidding? That sounds like utopia!  How else are we gonna get our aggressions out, man?  I already stand in place and do the Circle Jerks logo guy dance online at the ATM.

[Sarah]

I cannot imagine Zachary Brimstead agreeing to play second fiddle to anyone.  Pudge, on the other hand, might welcome being a power behind the throne.  Instead of smearing him, Mike, why don't you court him as your running mate?

[CurtBlair]

That's the spirit, Richard! And to all my other supporters, I say, the gloves are off. Time to go negative on Hammerhead and Pudge Palfner.

Fun! I will kick things off with some classic nuggets of old-timey political mudslinging.

Hammerhead is a gross and licentious man, worse in moral quality than a pickpocket, a sneak thief, or a Cherry Street debauchee. He is also, as previously observed, a dunce.

Pudge Palfner is a snake, a mutineer, and a political hermaphrodite. Were he granted office, he would soon prove himself a piggish enabler of the basest variety of graft and corruption. Also, his plan to bolster the Newbridge economy by opening the town to Hollywood filmmakers shows that he never learned the tragic lessons of State and Main. 

[Sarah]

So base and only eighteen or so?  Wow, Pudge is even more accomplished than I thought.

[moonshake]

I hope the people of Newbridge will realize in good time that a vote for Hammerhead is a vote for vehemence and welfare. We want to elect a man of passion and strength, not AP Mike - a sad and misguided alcoholic.

[B_Buster]

I'm afraid Moonshake, like a lot other Hammerhead supporters, probably thinks Hammerhead is "a man of action," but let's remember that that action is misdirected. What is "a really good pit" anyway? It's a bunch of dudes (most women are more sensible) stomping around (cough! Nazis!) in a circle, violently bumping into each other while flailing their arms spastically. I think we can all agree that deep down it's stupid behavior. It's something unruly kids would do. In other words, it's childish. Do we really want a man-child for a mayor?