It's the Quote Your Insane Neighbors thread!

[erika]

Today's quote is how my neighbor Kenny broke the ice to my husband, my mother and I during our first day at the house. He's speaking of his unfixed pitbull named Diesel.

"Dog's got a hell of a pedigree. No paperwork. Got him from a pregnant stripper! Aint that great??"

And, a bonus quote from when Kenny randomly walked into our house during a New Years party:

"Don't you hate when you got a mom who's on crack and she's prostituting her daughter for more drug money? And the daughter's on drugs too? Yeah I hate that. Sucks."

Surely there are FOT with horrible neighbors. Lemme hear it. My next quote will be from another neighborhood darling... I like to call him "Neck Tattoo".

[betheboy]

I have to clean this one up a little to keep the toilet talk to a minimum. I'd like to quote my current neighbor and former roomate who once said:

"Hey Will, is it okay to date a girl you met at a gathering where everyone was having sex [he said it less delicately]. I think she was really into me." 

[slackmistress]

BetheBoy & I (we're like, married and stuff) have a group of neighbors:

The Hollywood Hobo. (An Irish actor who was mistakenly arrested for murder in Italy and became a YouTube sensation.)
The Hobo Handyman (the aforementioned gangbang question.)

The Peeping Tom (I called & mentioned him on the Therese & Mike Show. Also mentioned here: http://bit.ly/aOQZ70 )
The Crazypants Guy (Peeping Tom's Roommate.)

The Hoarder Landlady
The Casino! Hobo (think a 60 year old Dennis the Menace. A childhood friend of the landlady, they've lived together forever but she doesn't let him have a key.)
And Random Normal Guy, who lives with the above but I can't figure out how or why they met.

Why do we call him Casino! Hobo? Because last year, while waiting for a cab, he mused to himself on our front stoop:

"You know what I'd like? I'd like a fanny pack.  One that says 'America.'  Or maybe...'CASINO!'"

[erika]

Sweet. Kenny lives with his two sisters in his dead grandmother's house. Sometimes when they fight we stand with our ear against the wall so we can hear. It's like Intervention but live and without the happy ending.

Maybe this belongs in the Mike section of the board....

Neck Tattoo lives down the street. I actually can't think of any quotes at the moment but he does like to litter in his own back yard and that's pretty respectable if you ask me!

[KickTheBobo]

I live next door to a horse farm.

Sometimes I'll go down to the fence at visit with them.

They are all mostly pleasant conversationalists, but there's this one (a brown one with a white on his face around his eye). He keeps trying to convince me to start fires in the neighborhood.

[Sarah]

I have empty lots on either side of me, there are no houses across the street, and my backyard ends at embankment that slopes down to an unused parking lot and, shortly after that, Johnson's Bay.  I'm a little jealous of CMo, but only a little.

[Chris in Somerville, Mass.]

This is a thread that could live forever!
I've got an unemployable, psychotic, leather-lunged addict living in the 2nd floor apartment of the house next door to me.  It is her grandparents' house.  She spends nearly all her waking hours on her grandparents' front porch on the first floor or hanging on the sidewalk.  She is a blister on society, but she is incredibly quotable. 
Here are a couple beauties...

(on the phone at 1:00pm on a beautiful Sunday)  "My grandmother just called me a FUCKIN' WHORE!  She accused me of sleeping with MY OWN GRANDFATHER!"

(on the phone while crying and drunk on the 4th of July)  "I'm not a faggot, Daddy.  You LOVE me!"

(at about 8:00am on a weekday, to no one in particular)  "I wanna die.  I can't take this no more!  I'm gonna leave this world!  I'M GOIN' TO MEET MY MOTHER!"

[Reeleyes]

We had a neighbor who had some mental issues and used to hang out in the back yard in the burned out frame of a minivan that he apparently lit on fire. Remember in the 80's they came out with battery powered headphones that tuned in AM/FM stations? Well he used to wear a pair over a bicycle helmet and then a clear plastic bag over the whole thing. He used to yell things whenever anyone came outside like "You ain't gettin' near these cigarettes!" Once I was behind him in line at the local convenience store and he paid for $22 worth of stuff with a 5 dollar bill and the rest in loose change.

[Emerson]

For 14 years, I've lived in apartments. In each one, I was either above, below or next to a loudly dysfunctional couple. It's my personal curse, I guess.

I've heard the same toilet talk over and over and over. I'm thinking about offering to help them hone their material.

[erika]

I had a neighbor who would call some lady friend on the phone at 2AM but would have her audio going through his stereo system which was backed up against my apartment wall. She was definitely not your standard lady friend.........

This thread definitely belongs in the Mike section... sorry Tom....

[iAmBaronVonTito]

all i hear my neighbors do is yell at their dog (on one side) and have intimate relations (on the other side).  sometimes i get the latter on both sides.

[Martin]

I've been lucky. Never had truly insane neighbors, but in my last apartment I had two half-crazy ones:

- We had a house party on a Saturday night, nothing outrageous, just some folks and not too loud music. At around 11 pm, neighbor #1 banged on the door. When we opened, he yelled, "Keep quiet! Normal people work in the morning!!". "On a Sunday, what are you, a priest?", we didn't answer.

- One of my bedroom walls was adjacent to the next apartment, and neighbor #2 used to constantly remind me how thin the wall was and how he could hear my every move (I never heard him or his girlfriend, which I figured said a lot about their love life - BOOM). One time he told me, "You know, we can hear you breathe in there!". I told him I would try and keep my breathing down.

[erika]

I used to hear my neighbor snoring when I lived in an apartment. The same neighbor was fond of the Macarena... in 2005...

I woke up this morning to the sound of Kenny screaming at his sisters at 6:30 in the morning. Loud enough that it actually woke me up. All I can hope for is that they can no longer afford their utilities and they eventually move out and sell the house to someone less scary. Well, that and when the utilities are shut off, they don't decide to start fires to keep warm.

City life isn't necessarily for me... I like the olden days when I had at least a patch of grass separating me from the crazies.

[KickTheBobo]

not really a quote here, but an incident of note.

my senior year of HS, my folks moved into a new house, which was in a different neighborhood where each house was pretty much a car's-width from the next one. Their place was unfortunately next to two rentals, which usually were rented out to college kids but occasionally would board a few sketchy types.

There was this one guy living there for awhile who my brother called "Manson" (guess who he looked like). Anyway, one day my brother comes home from work and Manson and some pals are on the porch cooking on a hibatchi and drinking. No, they were not cooking up some tasty burgers or toasting marshmallows...

it was a fucking bat.

[slackmistress]

Today I got to hear the Peeping Tom offering tax advice. Meaning if you guys don't have a tax guy yet, the guy dressed like a serial killer on my front porch still has a couple of slots available.