Tom recaps Celebrity Apprentice for nymag

[roubaix]

The Celebrity Apprentice Premiere Recap: Tom Scharpling Shoots Fish in a Barrel



When the fine people at Vulture asked me to recap season eleven of The Celebrity Apprentice, the first thing I did was pick up the phone and call famed funnyman Paul F. Tompkins, who is currently doing a stellar job recapping American Idol for this very same website. Paul said that Idol was sometimes a challenge because there’s certain amount of redundancy in covering a singing competition. “You will not have that problem,” he predicted. “You’ll be shooting fish in a barrel.”

And yes, recapping this show will be shooting fish in a barrel. Mentally ill fish. In a big glass barrel designed expressly for mentally ill fish. With a gun filled with mentally-ill-fish-killing bullets.

I am well aware that the contestants appearing on Celebrity Apprentice are not doing the show against their will: This is not The Running Man. Or Rollerball. Or any of those movies in which people are forced to enter some sort of competition against their will.

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[dcgut]

I really wanted to more episodes where the Jose/David relationship could have flourished.

[Sarah]

I already cursed Tom for this on Twitter, since now I will watch the damn show the better to appreciate his recaps.  That creep Paul F. Tompkins already did a similar thing to me with his American Idol recaps. 

About the first episode of the horrifying Apprentice, though:  I can't tell you how much I wish the men had gone ahead and named their team Penultimate.

[yesno]

They should get John Hodgman to recap Downton Abbey.

[Wes]

I really wanted to more episodes where the Jose/David relationship could have flourished.

Had they had a chance to work together more, there's little doubt that we would have seen a Canseco/Cassidy fastball special used on Richard Hatch. There's also little doubt that this would have been done without David Cassidy's consent and that Jose would have completely blown his arm out doing it.

[JonFromMaplewood]

"La Toya Jackson, the most talent-liberated member of the Jackson family."

Nicely put.

[Sarah]

I liked the nice model/mom the best.  Although the bunny's ability to keep quiet was attractive as well.

[daveB from Oakland]

"Gary Busey, once nominated for an Oscar but now kinda just bumming everyone out".

Scientifically accurate. Pretty much sums up everything you need to know about the man.

[kevin_]

never watched celebrity apprentice before, just caught up on the first episode. it's hilarious. the short sound bite of marlee matlin yelling "i'm deaf!" in one of the montages did it for me. thanks, tom.

to be nitpicky for a second, it's "lil jon" not "lil john."

[Sarah]

I'm happy and relieved to report that I simply cannot watch this show.  I just started the second episode, and I just can't bear it. 

Reading Tom's recaps will be fun, though.

[Wes]

I'm happy and relieved to report that I simply cannot watch this show.  I just started the second episode, and I just can't bear it. 

Reading Tom's recaps will be fun, though.

Dig deep, it's worth it for the visual confirmation that things are not right in the world. As tremendous as the work is that Tom is doing, I think you need to stare into the curiously doll-like eyes of Jose Canseco, especially when he starts to blink furiously every few minutes. More importantly, Dionne Warwick looks kind of like Madame, and seems to have even less of a soul than said puppet.

[Sarah]

I don't need any more evidence that the world is awry, but, for you, I'll try to choke this down.  Hell, I just started Battle of Los Angeles.  If I'm willing to chance that, I suppose I can stomach this as well.

[Stan]

I'm happy and relieved to report that I simply cannot watch this show.  I just started the second episode, and I just can't bear it. 

Reading Tom's recaps will be fun, though.

I turned it off at 00:21. Horrifying.

[Sarah]

Yeah.  I can't do it.  Horrible people that I feel horrible for watching.  It makes American Idol look philanthropic.

[Sarah]

Couldn't resist.