Author Topic: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories  (Read 21422 times)

mackro

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(hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« on: August 17, 2011, 03:47:10 AM »
It seemed like the defacto theme for tonight's Best Show, hence the topic here. I was going to call and tell either of these stories, but the lines were all busy.. which was totally deserved, of course, as tonight's show was great.  Nonetheless, the moment is now better for these stories on the forum.

I DIDN'T REGRET IT

I went to an all-boys Catholic/Jesuit high school in the middle of Los Angeles. I once had a really sweet but terrible, terrible biology teacher named Father Murphy, unfortunately no relation to Merlin Olsen. His passion was there, but his delivery was terrible. And worst of all, his tests were completely off-script, having no relation to the books or his lectures.

One day, he handed out a past final exam to all of us in class to give us an idea what to expect. We had thirty minutes to look through it.  The silent hallelujahs in the room couldn't have been louder. However, there was no way I was going to remember all these questions. So I feigned going to the bathroom in order to head to the library and make a copy of this example test for myself.  Later, just before the exam, word got out that I made copies of the example test, thanks to a peer working the desk at the library. So I made copies for about half the class, some of them bullies, some of them not. Father Murphy never found out. Or he just didn't care.

It's the day of the final exam. Father Murphy hands out the tests with a wink. The final exam ended up *being* the same exact test that he handed out as an example a few days prior. In essence, I had copied & distributed the final exam to half the class without ever knowing it.  I immediately became cool with half the bullies in class. But there was one bully who really had it in for me, who didn't get a copy. His name was Ed Carey. (I can say that name, because there are a gazillion Ed Carey's) He told me after the test that he would either beat the shit out of me, tell the principal what I did, or both tomorrow.  Thankfully, before he had a chance to do either, Ed himself was expelled from school altogether for fighting with someone else.

I COMPLETELY REGRET IT

When things in my personal life during high school were reaching a low, I resorted to the cheapest and stupidest ways to get attention. I was (and probably still am) the opposite of crafty. Either way, the crown jewel of stupidity was when I decided "Hey, I'll come to school and pretend to have been STABBED ON THE WAY TO CLASS!"... and then acted on that idea.

I put a real bandage over my right arm, just above the elbow -- convenient. How did I fake the dried blood? Easy. I took a red sharpie, and drew a well formed solid circle *on* the bandage, not *under* it, then took a black sharpie and drew a few waves on top of that. It looked exactly like it was. The shocking thing was: I was totally expecting (and subsconsciously wanting) to get made fun of and bullied at school for this, because at least it would be some form of attention in my life at the time.

However, the classmates were all silent. Either they saw it as some form of weird performance art and thought I was creepy, or more likely, they completely saw through it and thought this was so pathetic and cheap that they weren't even going to bother ribbing me for it. Of course, I realized how bad an idea this was at the end of that day, and it was never spoken of again by anybody -- until now.


Greggulator

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2011, 11:49:21 AM »
I apologize in advance for possibly hijacking this thread. But I got bullied a lot as a kid -- being really small, brainy, weird and a crybaby will do that to you. I've got a ton of bully stories.

I love Tom talking right now about tracking these people down. It's super easy to do with Facebook. There's nothing more hilarious to me than when a bully/tormentor from junior high and high school friends you on Facebook. And, invariably, these people lead the absolute least interesting lives possible.

But even crazier -- the kid who tormented me the worst was Jason. He was always the biggest kid in the class and was already lifting weights when he was like 12. He, naturally, was on the football team and his hero as a kid was Brian Bozworth -- he had lines in his head and an unhealthy obsession with Miami Hurricanes football.

 It was so bad that my entire middle school class schedule was rearranged so I didn't have to be in the same classes with him. And then that didn't even stop him, since we lived only a few blocks from each other and were also in the same Boy Scout troupe.

By some grace, Jason moved away early in high school.

Anyways, about a year or so ago, he tried to friend me on Facebook. I was initially curious but decided not to look. Then I got this ridiculously long message from him apologizing to me for what he did to me as a kid. He was unemployed for a few years and was struggling to make ends meet -- especially with a newborn. And he said he thought this was karmic revenge for how he treated me (and a few others) when he was a kid.  He said he really wanted me to call him so we could "talk things out" and maybe even get together one day so I could meet his wife and vice-versa.

I read this and was just overcome with this insane guilt. Somehow, I started to blame myself for all of this. Like maybe I wasn't as picked on by him as much as I thought it was and overreacted to everything which made him feel like an awful person his entire life.
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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2011, 12:37:11 PM »
[H]e said he thought this was karmic revenge for how he treated me (and a few others) when he was a kid.  He said he really wanted me to call him so we could "talk things out" and maybe even get together one day so I could meet his wife and vice-versa.

I read this and was just overcome with this insane guilt. Somehow, I started to blame myself for all of this. Like maybe I wasn't as picked on by him as much as I thought it was and overreacted to everything which made him feel like an awful person his entire life.

I'm sure you know this, but you shouldn't blame yourself for any part of his situation.  The part of your post that I bolded is a big red flag.  He clearly wasn't singling you out; he sounds like he was kind of a heel in general.

My suggestion: meet up with him, then beat him up in front of his wife and kid!  Or beat him with his kid, like Tom threatened to do to Milo's dad.

Not really.  At least the guy seems to want to make amends.

No one who bothered me in school has tracked me down so far on FB, thankfully.
"I came into the room/You didn't know I was The Creature."

Greggulator

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2011, 01:21:44 PM »
Quote

I'm sure you know this, but you shouldn't blame yourself for any part of his situation.  The part of your post that I bolded is a big red flag.  He clearly wasn't singling you out; he sounds like he was kind of a heel in general.

My suggestion: meet up with him, then beat him up in front of his wife and kid!  Or beat him with his kid, like Tom threatened to do to Milo's dad.

Not really.  At least the guy seems to want to make amends.

No one who bothered me in school has tracked me down so far on FB, thankfully.

Oh yeah, I 100% know this. It was just one of those weird things that hit you afterwards for a few minutes.

But here's a story where I'm somehow more vile than the bullies in question!

So my senior year of high school, I sat at a lunch tables with my friend Kris. In a school with almost 1500 people, with four or five separate lunch periods, I somehow defied the odds and only had one friend in lunch with me. Every other year, I sat at a table with anywhere between 5 and 10 people.

Now, you'd think by your senior year you'd escape general bullying. But not in my high school! When I started, my high school was mildly rough. But by the time I was a senior, it was just completely insane. There were fights and muggings constantly. To wit: We had a snack line in lunch where you could purchase things like Brownie Bites or Vitapups. There would be a group of people camped out at the end of the lunch like who would beg for spare change like it was a NYC subway station circa 1988. And, roughly half the time, if you did not provide said change it would result in some sort of assault (a punch to the neck being the most common). Making matters worse, this would happen right in front of teachers who were so mortified/lazy/broken that they would literally turn the other way as this happened.

So it was just Kris and I in lunch, so there were no safety in numbers. And to make it worse -- when I graduated high school, I was the shortest male in my year, and I weighed the same as a giant state fair pumpkin. (I grew six inches my freshman year of college, which is the exact time you want to go through your realllly awkward phase.) And Kris wasn't a lot bigger than me. And to make it worse, we were both pretty misfit-y. But whereas I had the standard 1995 alterna-rock wardrobe (flannel shirts, a Weezer T-Shirt, Chuck T's), Kris was a total misfit. He had a sort of death metal look going on, never shaved yet couldn't quite grow in facial hair, wore Zubaz pants, etc.

(I don't want to make it like I'm slagging on Kris. He was a great guy and a really good friend of mine... until the end of this story. He just didn't blend in well.)

We were surrounded by the absolute biggest pieces of human garbage in the cafeteria.

One of the biggest was George. He'd throw things and would generally just threaten us. But making it worse was that he was a sophomore and TINY. But the problem with him is that he was backed up by about 10-15 of the most gigantic, toughest kids possible who egged him on.

Now, things escalated over the year with George. And finally at one point I kicked a chair into his legs. He screamed in pain and his friends mocked him to no end. So he ended up embarrassed. But when he left with tears in his eyes, George left by telling me, "You're dead tomorrow."

So lunch came the next day and nothing went on. But then it got towards the end of the period and George started laughing. And all of a sudden, I heard someone say, "YOU'RE F*CKING DEAD YOU LITTLE F*CKING NERD!!!"

This was said by Diane -- a freshman girl. Diane was gigantic -- like the size of one of those weird girls who wants to be an offensive lineman for the football team. And she was CONSTANTLY in fights. She literally wore brass knuckles to school. And she supposedly curbed a dude she beat up on a basketball court. She was just one of the most absurdly frightening human beings ever.

So I did what any right-minded thinking person would do. I, a 17-year-old male senior, ran away SCREAMING as this girl charged me.

I was never more mocked. It was terrible. Somehow, the entire school found out about this. The rest of the day, people were heckling me. By the time I got home, my mom said about 5 people called to tell her how I ran away from a girl. My mom even made fun of me. (I am not kidding.)

I was just absolutely mortified. I was just thinking I wouldn't go to lunch the rest of the year. I only had four months of school left and I could just cut class and maybe get away with it and, at the worst, get an in-school suspension or two if I got caught. But Kris called me that night and told me that I had to redeem myself.

I really had no idea what to do. There was absolutely no chance in hell that I would even begin to hurt this girl. She would absolutely destroy me. Like throttle me.

This crew had a plan. George spent the entire period laughing at me. And his friends formed a phalanx around me and Kris. There wasn't anyway I was going to run. And Diane kept on pointing at me and threatening me the entire period.

So, the bell rang. And I just decided I was just going to cover up and let her wail on me and it would get broken up. I wouldn't get in any trouble and I could save a little bit of face.

So Diane is charging and is about to punch me when Kris leaps across the table and punches Diane square in the jaw. It was one of the best punches ever thrown. It was something Joe Frazier would have thrown in his prime.

This girl Diane fell to one knee and held her jaw. She then jumped up, swiped Kris' glasses off of his face and then proceeded to grab him by his mullet and delivered a series of muy-Thai knee strikes to his face. She kneed him like five times or so. She then threw Kris to the ground and then stood over him and punched him. Finally, someone pulled her off of him.

She then raised her hands in triumph (like a wrestling villain) and stomped on his glasses, shattering them.

The entire time, I just stood there and watched this. I made no attempts to do anything. I made no attempts to stop this from unfolding, even after my friend decked this girl so I could avoid a beating.

Needless to say, we weren't really friends after that.
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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2011, 02:14:08 PM »
Great story, by which of course I mean appalling, depressing and demoralizing. Your own mother, Jesus.

Greggulator, you should have just broken into the Humpty dance and left them all paralyzed with laughter.
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mackro

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2011, 03:07:38 PM »
Gregg, thank you for these stories. That was captivating and raw to read. Totally worth the hijack.

Anyone in their mid 20s or older typically shouldn't have to feel bad for things they did or didn't do when they were 18 or younger. That definitely applies to you, Gregg. If Jason truly knows how hurtful he was, this applies to Jason as well.

Stuff like this nearly equates high school to prison. I'm not saying "it's all part of THEIR PLAN, MAN" but everyone has permanent mental scars from high school, if not physical ones. It Gets Better and equivalents are great, but ideally there should be less traumatizing public alternatives to high school. What that is, I've no clue.


seaurchindestroy

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2011, 06:33:08 PM »
I'm more interested in hearing from some former bullies!

not that clay

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2011, 06:37:40 PM »
Here's mine:

Every day one of those fuckers is still breathing today is because I had the decency to not murder them (except for the ones that have killed themselves with drugs and car crashes already).

You're welcome, bullies!

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2011, 09:36:03 PM »

Greggulator

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2011, 12:15:54 AM »
The last story I can think of! Sorry if it's too long.

I recently looked at the profiles of the two people in question here. Like the aforementioned Jason, I'm really fascinated when people I have absolutely no good memories of befriend me on Facebook for some reason. I accepted their friendships just to confirm my suspicions about their fate in life. I WIN IN THIS ONE!

Mike and Dennis

I've been a basketball junkie pretty much since birth. My neighborhood was really Irish-Catholic and sports-oriented. We had a whole bunch of playgrounds and driveways with basketball hoops to choose from. I played a few hours of basketball pretty much every day from the ages of 10-14.

Now, I knew (and know) how to play basketball. I watched so many games and Red on Roundball tapes and did so many drills that I knew what to do on a basketball court. But my stunning lack of athletic ability (and, at the time, height and size) kept me from being any good. There were about 20 kids in my age group who played basketball. I would say I was probably 15th to 18th.

Mike and Dennis were number one and two. They both ended up going to the big Catholic jock high school in my town (which Ted Leo also attended). Playing basketball at this school is a really big deal -- they've won the New Jersey state title a bunch of times and have put a bunch of kids into big-name basketball schools and even the NBA. Their most famous alum is probably Brevin Knight, who was a college All-American and solid NBA point guard for about a dozen years.

On top of being good at basketball, Mike and Dennis were total assholes. Mike was a year older than me. Dennis was my age. Mike was just a textbook jock bully. It went more than just trash talk with him. He would trip people on the court, shove kids to the pavement, give wedgies and red necks after the game, etc. He was bigger and stronger than everyone else. And he loved lording that over everyone.

Dennis was my absolute least favorite type of kid. He himself never would do any of the bullying. But he absolutely loved watching others get teased and humiliated. So he had the best of both worlds – he could tell himself that he didn’t participate in any of this but still enjoyed the rush of seeing a smaller kid pantsed and laughed at.

Mike and Dennis also had well-known home issues. Mike’s dad was the textbook Irish Drunk Dad. He wasn’t physically abusive (to anyone’s knowledge) but just did a really good job of humiliating his kids. But Mike’s three other siblings were always really nice. He was the only one who turned out to be a total douche.

Dennis’ home life was just creepy. Dennis’ dad was your textbook jock dad who put all kinds of pressure on his son. Ever since I could remember, Dennis always said he wanted to play college basketball at Providence College and after that wanted to be a lawyer. Mind you, his dad went to Providence and was a lawyer. It was just this totally weird vicariously living situation.
I still remember the last time I spoke to either of them.

The one with Mike was one of those moments in high school when you realize you’ve crossed a demarcation line from the kids you grew up with. My best friend from the neighborhood was Frankie. Frankie was a ridiculously nice kid who managed to avoid Mike (and the other bully types) because he had four older brothers and was also really athletic. But there was always this weird tension with him because he was the only one who straddled the line between hardcore jock and the nerd types.

Anyways, Frankie went to the Catholic school and I went to the public school. We started to drift apart because of that.

I hadn’t played basketball at the park in a few weeks, since I was mostly hanging out with kids from the public school. I was walking up from the deli and I saw Frankie, one of his brothers, Mike and a few other kids. I was just shooting the crap with those guys for a bit. For some reason, we started talking about music. I started talking about Nirvana and The Ramones and The Clash. Those guys all considered that stuff “fag” music and were strictly into stuff like The Doors.

Then a car pulled up. These two Indian girls I was friends with were driving by and said hello. Mike started doing these dumb Apu impersonations and everyone was laughing. My friends were really insulted and I was completely stuck. So I apologized to them and they drove off.

I then started yelling at Mike, calling him a racist and the like. He started calling me a nerd and “Dothead lover” and all of these dumb things. I was walking away to my house which was a few blocks away and everyone was following me and joining in.

When we were at the corner of my street, I stopped and stood my ground to him. I told him that those girls were going to be doctors one day while he was always going to be drunk trash like his dad. He then dared me to say that again. Instead, I slapped him across the face. EVERYONE just froze. No one could believe it! I took so much crap from this kid for years (and a few other people) and I just hauled off and smacked him. I then walked to my house.

I am not kidding you when I say I literally have not seen him since. I never hung out in my neighborhood or with those kids after that. Standing up for myself was just one of the best moments of my teenage years. But there was one downside – I was never really friends with Frankie after that. I don’t want to say he took Mike’s side but he definitely didn’t take mine during the argument. We both kind of realized that we didn’t have anything really in common anymore. He was of that ilk and I wasn’t. (I’ve run into him a few times over the years. He’s a great guy. We’d be friends now if we lived in the same place.)

As far as Dennis – he didn’t quite hack it at the Catholic school. He couldn’t get off the bench there. So he ended up transferring to the public school our senior year, since our basketball team sucked. He came in with a really big attitude about how he played basketball at that school… and literally no one cared. The only kids I remember him hanging out with were his teammates, and none of them even seemed to like him. I don’t remember him going to the prom or anything like that.

I know my stories aren’t reflecting this, but I really did have a pretty decent high school experience at the end of things. I was the designated class clown (a kid who was bullied became a class clown? WHAAAAT?) and people thought I was funny. I had a bunch of really great friends and am still close with a bunch of them today.

I had a few classes with Dennis. One day, he started ragging on me about something real smug and condescendingly. I kindly reminded him that no one knew who he was or cared who he was. He shut up real quick after that and I don’t remember talking to him ever again.
So their Facebook profiles reveal:

In Mike’s profile picture, he’s at a wax museum giving the finger to a wax statue of President Obama. There are so many things wrong with that: 1) Going to a wax museum in your mid-30s, 2) Thinking it’s a good idea to give the finger to the President, 3) Having a friend who thinks it’s a good idea and will gladly film this, 4) Making this your public picture. is a great idea. (I'm also going to guess there's a trace of racism with his photo, too.) He's also hideous looking. Not that I'm Fabio or anything like that... but this guy looks like he's about to turn 75.
 
Dennis profile reveals that he ended up playing for Providence, although he was a non-scholarship walk-on who only played in the final seconds of blow-outs. He’s now a personal injury lawyer and advertises this on billboards (there’s a picture of one). He’s now 25-30 pounds overweight and also has a horrible go-tee. His dad’s dream came true!

Dennis photo collection also shows about 900 pictures of him in college with the basketball team with captions like “SWEET SIXTEEN!” Then there about another 100 with him, Mike and a bunch of other doofuses shirtless at some Shore house. There’s about three combined photos of him with his wife and baby.

It could not be any more predictable.
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gravy boat

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2011, 12:47:48 PM »
I'm more interested in hearing from some former bullies!

When I was in eighth grade my family moved to different state/different town that was a lot rougher than my prior New Jersey suburban town. 
Anyway,  I can't really remember what triggered my bullying--maybe I felt that it would somehow get the bigger fish off my back--but I ended up bullying the kid who got bullied most, the lowest on the food chain,  by teeing off on him in art class and foot-stomping his clay project.  Yes, despicable on a lot of levels.  The art teacher--Miss Weaver--caught me and, boy, she did let me off the hook.  She made me write a letter to my mother explaining what I did. First, I had to show Miss Weaver the draft letter for her approval of the facts. Then I had to get my mother to sign it.  Then Miss Weaver called my mother to ensure there had been no forgery.  The entire process was excruciating.  I remember my mother crying and asking in disbelief "You did this?" 

I think that was it for my bullying career. Shame works.   

My experience, like Gregg's, is that the home lives of bullies are usually foul.  The big jock-bully in my high school had a father who would beat the crap out of him and his brother on a regular basis. 

Mackro's fake stabbing story kills me.  So weird in an awesome way.

Now I live in Greggulator's hometown! (I'm pretty new so I don't know what area is the Irish-catholic, I'll DM you).  My son finished kindergarten in June and anti-bullying seminars and classes were a big deal.  Some parents think they take it too far, but I think it's good to err on the too-much side.  I do fear the day my children want to join a social media network--from what I've read (news reports! designed! to! alarm! parents!) I would rather get punched in the face rather than get picked on through facebook or the like.


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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2011, 02:23:17 PM »
Bwa-ha-haa, Greggulator's story went on for a bit but the coda was fantastically satisfying.  What a pair of douches.
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Greggulator

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #12 on: August 18, 2011, 02:27:44 PM »
Here's another one I just remembered!

There was another kid from my neighborhood who was a jerk (we'll call him Drury). He was your standard metalhead lunkhead -- a big oaf in a denim jacket with a rat-tail. He was just a total waste-of-space. I couldn't stand him.

But there's nothing better than when you see a bully get bullied! And this was one of the best things I ever saw.

I took the same after-school bus as this kid. At the time, we had bus monitors -- usually a woman who would sit at the front of the bus and make sure there wasn't any trouble.

Our bus monitor this year was named Bertha. And she weighed well over 300 pounds. I am not kidding -- there was a 300-pound woman named Bertha. If I were to write this as a fiction piece, I would not use that name because of how cliche it is.

Bertha was the absolute biggest pain-in-the-ass. Our bus would make it all the way to our neighborhood and she'd see some bus foam that someone ripped out lying on the floor and she'd order the bus to turn right back to the high school. Sometimes, some of the rougher kids would do something to provoke her but almost all of the time she'd make some dubious claim so we'd have to waste our time to go back to the high school. Then one of the Deans would come out to dole out a punishment. But this happened so often that the Dean's just stopped coming.

One day, she caught Drury ripping apart a bus seat with his keys. She told the bus driver to pull over at this really busy intersection. She started screaming at Drury for this and, despite being an adult supervisor. started calling him a "motherf--" over and over again. Drury started yelling back at her.

So Berhta stood up and said, and I quote because I will never forget this, "If you think you so bad, step off this bus right now. I'm going to f-- you up."

Bertha then stormed off the bus. Drudy was sitting there in a combination of awe/fear. She came to where he was sitting (a row or two behind me) and started jumping up and punching the glass, calling him a mf over and over and over again.

People were telling him to go and fight her. He was asking everyone what to do. But he wanted no part of this.

Bertha then got back on the bus and called him a variety of words describing female genitalia and used to slur homosexuals.

Then she stared at all of us.

"All ya'll better knock it the f-- out because I'll beat all ya'll asses."

And then we drove home.
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KickTheBobo

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #13 on: August 18, 2011, 03:34:46 PM »
When I first arrived as a Freshman, I was told that the Burnouts had placed my name, along with other "Snapperheads" (a regional variation of "Zipperhead") on a DEATH LIST. They were going to systematically go down the list and GET each one of us.

I think I may have been like 15th or 16th, so I think they got bored before they got to me, but other dudes got tracked down and beat up.

I think the ringleader may have been a fellow by the name of Travis Purvis (perfect, huh?). It was told that he once scared off another dude that was gonna fight him by picking an empty can of coke off the ground and chewing it up.

---------

Another weird thing I remember (not from HS): there was a bully kid in my grade all throughout elementary school. He had a leather biker jacket in first grade and a minibike, so he was to be feared. The crazy thing was that he had an older and tougher brother named, get this, BUTCH. Granted, this was the late 70s but who the hell names their kid BUTCH?

Well, I was recently going through my town's old police logs (a pastime) - and saw a report where these kid's DAD had been arrested for going over some 18yo dudes house and beating the shit out of him. Even the dad was a bully!

edit: just googled the bully from my grade, and looks like he bit the dust back in 1997 at the age of 24. Not sure how.

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Re: (hopefully) Humorous high school / bullying stories
« Reply #14 on: August 18, 2011, 05:17:40 PM »
Butch vs. Bertha.  Begin!
I really don't appreciate your sarcastic, anti-comedy tone, Bro!