Is it sexist to say something like "I would never hit a woman"?

[John Junk 2.0]

When someone says "I would never hit a woman" I immediately think "Either  you beat your girlfriend or you think about it every day and the only thing stopping you is this outdate chivalrous code, you ape."

Sorry, that's jsut my thought.

[Regular Joe]

I hit my husband all the time, but he never hits me back.

Julie, stop hitting your husband! Not to tangent too much (or get too heavy), but I find that in this liberated day and age when questions like the title of this thread are still being understood, the phenomenon of men being abused by their ladies is disturbing enough to bring up.

The old standard of a woman hitting a man being meaningless, or a man being a wimp if they don't just walk it off, is in stark contrast with the relatively modern edict of equality. In these 'recent' decades, we've all come to know that a woman being hit by a man is 100% unacceptable, but society still holds on to the old flip side of the "men are stronger and more resilient" taboo, that makes a woman smacking her male partner around nothing more than a joke.

I look down at the scars on hands as I'm writing this and know that if it'd been me that put them on the girl who gave them to me instead of the other way around, I'd be sitting in jail without any second thought, whereas instead I just let it go and endured getting beat up because I was bigger than her (aka big enough to take it). Through the course of the relationship, I never even considered defending myself like I would have if she'd been a man, because it's burned so hard into my brain that women should not be hit under any circumstances, and rightfully so.

This is obviously not an endorsement of violence against women at all, but merely raising the question of why violence can still be treated as mundane, if it's not delivered by a man.

[Julie]

Oh, well, now I feel bad. Thanks a lot!

[Regular Joe]

I didn't mean that directed at you dear Julie! It just sparked the long boring thought, so I had to share. I'm sure your milquetoast husband is fine.

[Beth]

I hit my husband all the time, but he never hits me back. The next time I hit him, it will be because he's a sexist. I never have hit a woman, but since I've never said I would never hit a woman, then I'm not a sexist for it. However, I'm a little confused because I once thought I wanted to push my old boss, who is not really a chihuahua on crack, but a woman, in front of a bus. I think that would go in the category of hitting. Since I didn't hit her, maybe I have sexist tendencies. I'm kind of ashamed of myself now. I don't want to hit people if I'm uncomfortable with it, but I also don't want to be a sexist.

What if the bus refused to hit her because she is a woman? Would it then be considered a sexist bus?

[Julie]

Great! Now I can sleep. I'm a little disturbed because I thought everything is always about me, but I'll deal with that tomorrow.
I don't think it's excusable for women to beat men. I only hit my dear husband when we are wrestling or when he lets me demonstrate a self defense move. I think most men are physically stronger than their partner and could fight back, though. So it might be the psychological aspect of abuse that disturbs people more than the victim's sex. You know, like people who say, "Well, she could have left him so what did she expect," about women who stay with their abuser and keep getting the shit kicked out of them. Women do get arrested for domestic violence, though. I've seen it on Cops. And men don't always get arrested, even when the police are called. I heard a cop one time tell a woman not to call them again because it would ruin the reputation of the neighborhood.

[emma]

When he's not being all chivalrous, he's teaching me how to break guy's arms and shoot a shotgun. So I dunno... I guess one person might see a statement like "I would never hit a woman" as sexist, but to another it's just how they were brought up.

Your boyfriend is cool.

This is true.

All that "chivalrous" stuff is, of course, firmly based in sexism--opening doors and carrying things and not hitting ladies (by the way, the word "ladies" can only ever be pronounced with a head-tilt and a kind of lounge lizard point-wink thing)...that whole tradition is based very firmly in the idea that we are the fairer sex, and therefore the weaker one, and we need dudes to do stuff for us. Which is, as we all know, is not true.

But I wasn't implying (and I hope you don't think I was!) that your boyfriend is not just an awesome guy for doing those things. Clearly he's not sexist, he's doing that stuff because he has manners and because he was raised to do good things for the people he loves. That's totally different. I just think it's always important to remember where all that stuff comes from originally.

[/stating the obvious]

[AllisonLeGnome]

I think when someone says "I would never hit a woman" it's usually implied that it's in the sense of domestic violence. It's not sexist to hit a woman of relatively equal strength or who was the aggressor.

[Trembling Eagle]

When he's not being all chivalrous, he's teaching me how to break guy's arms and shoot a shotgun. So I dunno... I guess one person might see a statement like "I would never hit a woman" as sexist, but to another it's just how they were brought up.

Your boyfriend is cool.

This is true.

All that "chivalrous" stuff is, of course, firmly based in sexism--opening doors and carrying things and not hitting ladies (by the way, the word "ladies" can only ever be pronounced with a head-tilt and a kind of lounge lizard point-wink thing)...that whole tradition is based very firmly in the idea that we are the fairer sex, and therefore the weaker one, and we need dudes to do stuff for us. Which is, as we all know, is not true.

But I wasn't implying (and I hope you don't think I was!) that your boyfriend is not just an awesome guy for doing those things. Clearly he's not sexist, he's doing that stuff because he has manners and because he was raised to do good things for the people he loves. That's totally different. I just think it's always important to remember where all that stuff comes from originally.

[/stating the obvious]

Obvious or no that's a profound point. If the chivalrous stuff is based in an old sexist paradigm the implication is we should start phasing that stuff out. If those old standards are being absorb into a new civility I can't really say I've noticed one way or another. I haven't really paid attention. Are men still holding doors for women they aren't related to/dating etc?

[iAmBaronVonTito]

actually, emma, i dont think fairer equates to weaker.  at least, never in my book.  although, i'll be the first to throw the stone- i think women are weaker.  

take for example anything that merits physical strength in which it is assumed that if a woman is unable to do it, ask a man; its obvious to me that men and women are not equal in this regard.  however, i do not believe that since a women may rely on a male counterpart for physical favor, it means she is weaker in spirit, which is how people seem to equate those two things (inappropriately).  there are plenty of things guys cant do that come with ease as a lady.  

in any case, i dig chivalry from both sides.  i live by the golden rule: treat people how you want to be treated: no hitting.  

[Matt C]

Obvious or no that's a profound point. If the chivalrous stuff is based in an old sexist paradigm the implication is we should start phasing that stuff out. If those old standards are being absorb into a new civility I can't really say I've noticed one way or another. I haven't really paid attention. Are men still holding doors for women they aren't related to/dating etc?

Personally I think I just like the idea of there being ladies and gentlemen in the world.  I don't like the idea that having class is somehow outdated.  But reminding people that you "don't hit women" is like saying I feed my pets, or I don't drive drunk, people don't deserve a reward for that.

[jbissell]

Sounds like everyone just needs to watch Mad Men.

[cutout]

opening doors and carrying things...that whole tradition is based very firmly in the idea that we are the fairer sex, and therefore the weaker one, and we need dudes to do stuff for us. Which is, as we all know, is not true.

I would say just as equally, dudes do all that stuff with the hopes of getting laid, not to highlight the woman's perceived weaknesses. This wanting to get laid motivation is, for better or worse, the subconscious motivator for damn near most male behavior throughout history, in war, politics, economics, etc.

[Pete Velcro]

Hitting people is kind of a dick move.

This is my campaign slogan for 2012.

[erika]

When he's not being all chivalrous, he's teaching me how to break guy's arms and shoot a shotgun. So I dunno... I guess one person might see a statement like "I would never hit a woman" as sexist, but to another it's just how they were brought up.

Your boyfriend is cool.

This is true.

All that "chivalrous" stuff is, of course, firmly based in sexism--opening doors and carrying things and not hitting ladies (by the way, the word "ladies" can only ever be pronounced with a head-tilt and a kind of lounge lizard point-wink thing)...that whole tradition is based very firmly in the idea that we are the fairer sex, and therefore the weaker one, and we need dudes to do stuff for us. Which is, as we all know, is not true.

But I wasn't implying (and I hope you don't think I was!) that your boyfriend is not just an awesome guy for doing those things. Clearly he's not sexist, he's doing that stuff because he has manners and because he was raised to do good things for the people he loves. That's totally different. I just think it's always important to remember where all that stuff comes from originally.

[/stating the obvious]

This is a great point! I totally see what you're saying about the origins of all that stuff.

And it's funny, because from Greg (my current BF) I never get annoyed when he does little chivalrous things for me. Because they seem to come naturally to him, and he really does treat me equally in every way. He just holds the door and carries my shit for me sometimes. Like it's programmed or something. I've dated guys who did that stuff sort of in a smarmy, slick way, and it came across just wrong. Gross, even.

But like I said, he tries to convince me I should defend myself by breaking dudes arms and stuff like that...

A few weeks ago some guy randomly grabbed (and I mean GRABBED) my ass in a Walmart and after I told him about it, I was subject to lessons on how I could have caused that ass grabber physical damage if it ever happened again. I resisted such training. I'm just not into it. I'd rather walk away, cursing under my breath, or flee to safety. So if we were in a situation where I needed to physically defend myself and Greg was able to assist me in that arena, I'd love it.

And on the flipside of that, I cook most of the time when we're together because he is almost useless in the kitchen. He'd be happy eating tuna fish every night and looks like a deer in the headlights when we go to the grocery store.

I guess some people just kinda fall into those typical gender patterns... it's funny because to meet either one of us you'd never think I was some kind of domestic goddess or he was a macho man.