I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me and contributed to my campaign. It was a valiant effort. Unfortunately, this election has only confirmed my utter lack of faith in the citizens of Newbridge and in human beings in general. I could stand here (or, more accurately, sit here still somewhat intoxicated) and tell you that it is now time to put aside our differences and unite as one, but that would be complete bullshit. I predict that the election of this buffoon as our mayor will go down as the most colossal error of judgment in the history of humanity. A hundred years from now, people will marvel at the stupidity and the total absence of sense displayed by the voters in this election.
But, as the saying goes, the people of Newbridge have spoken, and they have spoken idiotically.