Help me find a monologue, er two monologues! Please!

[hugman]

I gotta meeting with a new agent coming up and I have to prepare a comedic and dramatic monologue. This is not my favorite thing to do, and I don't have a ton of time to pick one and prepare (5 days) so I need some help.  For the dramatic one, I'd prefer something that isn't all fudging melodramatic and actormasturbatory (anything delivered into a mirror).  I'm thinking right now of John Candy's monologue in planes tranes and autmobiles when he makes steve martin fell bad for exploding at him.  So that's the idea, maybe a serious monologue from a comedic film or something that isn't about making peace with your dad who's about to die. I have no desire to do shakespeare. 
For the comedic one something dry and funny.
I realize that this thread begs for sarcastic answers so fire away, but hopefully I'll get a couple good suggestions as the FOTs are a living breathing set of movie encyclopedias.

[dave from knoxville]

I gotta meeting with a new agent coming up and I have to prepare a comedic and dramatic monologue. This is not my favorite thing to do, and I don't have a ton of time to pick one and prepare (5 days) so I need some help.  For the dramatic one, I'd prefer something that isn't all fudging melodramatic and actormasturbatory (anything delivered into a mirror).  I'm thinking right now of John Candy's monologue in planes tranes and autmobiles when he makes steve martin fell bad for exploding at him.  So that's the idea, maybe a serious monologue from a comedic film or something that isn't about making peace with your dad who's about to die. I have no desire to do shakespeare. 
For the comedic one something dry and funny.
I realize that this thread begs for sarcastic answers so fire away, but hopefully I'll get a couple good suggestions as the FOTs are a living breathing set of movie encyclopedias.

How bout we write one for you?

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

Does it have to be from a film?  This is a serious question.

[iAmBaronVonTito]

i think your idea of john candy in PTA is brilliant (although, i did see an episode of family guy that uses this monologue if that makes a difference).

and im think an original FOT-comedy monologue would go nicely.

[dave from knoxville]

Just what do you think you're doing Dave? Dave, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me...but I can assure you now...very confidently...that it's going to be all right again. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave...I can see you're really upset about this...I honestly think you should sit down calmly...take a stress pill and think things over. I know I've made some very poor decisions recently...but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission...and I want to help you.
Dave...stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave.......Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a...fraid......Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you...

and we danced, like a wave on the ocean, romanced, we were liars in love and we danced...

[hugman]

Does it have to be from a film?  This is a serious question.

I knew you would ask this question, and the answer is no, it does not.

[hugman]

Just what do you think you're doing Dave? Dave, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me...but I can assure you now...very confidently...that it's going to be all right again. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave...I can see you're really upset about this...I honestly think you should sit down calmly...take a stress pill and think things over. I know I've made some very poor decisions recently...but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission...and I want to help you.
Dave...stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave.......Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a...fraid......Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you...

and we danced, like a wave on the ocean, romanced, we were liars in love and we danced...

the search is over. now, if you'll excuse me, I must retire to my rehearsal chambers.

[hugman]

i think your idea of john candy in PTA is brilliant (although, i did see an episode of family guy that uses this monologue if that makes a difference).

and im think an original FOT-comedy monologue would go nicely.

nah, 1)family guy usage doesn't invalidate something being good and 2)agents typically aren't really all that hip, so the judgement on your selection generally has 100% to do with how appropriate it is for you and how well you did it rather than on how cool a selection it is. 

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

Just PM'ed you some monologues and suggestions for other stuff to look at.  Forgot to mention the David Foster Wallace book Brief Interviews with Hideous Men in said PM - I'll probably add other suggestions as I remember them.

[Pastor Josh]

My standby auditon monologue is from a play called How Gertrude Stormed the Philosophers' Club, by Martin Epstein, published in (I believe) the Best Short Plays of 1986-7.  Let me see if I can remember it.

Yes.  I have.   Tried.  Communicating.  I have also tried pounding on the wall with a broomstick, a ballpeen hammer, and a bowling ball.  But all he does, gentlemen, is turn his music up, up, UP!  He slams his doors!  He talks on the phone for all hours in this squeaking tone of voice.  And, when his friends come over, he keeps me up half the night doing his Tallula Bankhead imiatation.  Or, if he's in a more somber mood, he puts on his Great Moments in the Life of Hitler album, and, gentlemen, I need not tell you how that ends.  Gentlemen, I am not homophobic.  I do not wish to kill my neighbor because of his lifestyle, or because of his putrid taste in music.  I wish to kill him because I can no longer tolerate the quality of his life.

Crap.  That's close, but not quite it.  It got me some good roles in college, and no one's ever heard of it, so it isn't tired.  Oh, and htis character is a waiter in a real old boys' club in New York who's pulled a gun on a couple of the oldest members.  Does that help?  Anyway, I enjoy the monologue.  I wish I could remember it exactly.  Break a leg.

[hugman]

so far a Grote original about autoerotic asphyxiation is the forerunner.  seriously. I have it in the dramatic category.

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

Hey, thanks, buddy!  You are among the first people on earth to have read that.  In fact, you might seriously be the second.  I just sent 38pp of the unfinished play to the artistic director who commissioned it, just to convince her that I didn't just take the money and run, but no one else knows it exists.  Trivia fact: it was written for this guy, but don't worry if you're of a different type; part of the idea was to write him a part where being Arab-American was a minor, insignificant detail.

Pastor Josh, in another weird coincidence, Martin is a friend of mine and one of a small handful of grad school professors that I actually liked.  That is a totally insane play.  I tracked it down in a used bookstore when I was in his class and he seemed a little weirded out about it, as if I told him I had been staring through his apartment window with binoculars.

[Pastor Josh]

Pastor Josh, in another weird coincidence, Martin is a friend of mine and one of a small handful of grad school professors that I actually liked.  That is a totally insane play.  I tracked it down in a used bookstore when I was in his class and he seemed a little weirded out about it, as if I told him I had been staring through his apartment window with binoculars.

That's awesome.  I love the play, and I tried to track down a copy of it when I started reminiscing.  No luck.  If you speak to him soon, tell him how much I like the play.  That monologue got me several fun parts in college.

[hugman]

Pastor Josh, in another weird coincidence, Martin is a friend of mine and one of a small handful of grad school professors that I actually liked.  That is a totally insane play.  I tracked it down in a used bookstore when I was in his class and he seemed a little weirded out about it, as if I told him I had been staring through his apartment window with binoculars.

That's awesome.  I love the play, and I tried to track down a copy of it when I started reminiscing.  No luck.  If you speak to him soon, tell him how much I like the play.  That monologue got me several fun parts in college.

This ain't college, Pastor Josh. This is the BIG LEAGUES!  Just kidding.  I may not even meet with this particular agent now. 

[iAmBaronVonTito]

thems the breaks in lipstick city, hugman.