This is just a first draft, and I apologize for any overlooked errors. I tried to do this in a radio play format, so maybe next year I can compete against Larry Legend for worst original radio play.
Scene: 1
TOM
FMU, you're on the air.
PASTOR JOSH
Hi Tom, it's Pastor Josh.
TOM
Pastor Josh! How are things in Illinois tonight?
PASTOR JOSH
Not so good, Tom. Not good at all.
TOM
Jeepers!
PASTOR JOSH
I told you how I'm from one of the biggest meth-producing counties in the country?
TOM
Yeah ...
PASTOR JOSH
Well now it's worse. One of my parishoners has a son who's hooked on this new stuff, this new drug going around, and he's absolutely out of control -- stealing, fighting, threatening his mother -- it's just terrible.
TOM
New stuff? What, meth wasn't good enough for you guys? You gotta have your downward spiral in a month? "Waah, I don't wanna wait three whole months to rot my teeth out and destroy my life."
PASTOR JOSH
Well, there are still plenty of people on meth, but with the new stuff -- they call it "Go" -- it's all teenagers and kids in their early 20s, and it just took hold overnight. It seems like suddenly it was everywhere--
TOM
(Clearly trying to get away from conversation)
Oh, well, Pastor Josh, I wish you luck, but Mike's giving me the high sign--
(Cut off)
PASTOR JOSH
And I'll tell you what else, I know who's doing it, who's pushing this stuff in my town, and I'm going to try to put a stop to it. This guy that lives about a mile from me, Ji--
(GOMP)
TOM
Heave ho! I-I-I-I I can't let you throw some guy under the bus like that! I don't know that this guy is selling drugs, this guy could be selling ice cream and comic books and you just think he's selling drugs. (sarcastic) "Go." Let me tell you, I've been to rural Illinois, and it's not the first place I think of for innovation. If there's a new drug out there, a new method for imploding your life, I'm pretty sure Jersey would have gotten hit first.
"Go."
This show's a disaster. First, I got Spike complaining for half an hour about this Aaron Neville doo-wop album, then that other mutant calls in trying to do a comedy routine, now Pastor Josh is calling out people on my show! That's the problem: everybody thinks it's their show. Well, it's not. It's MY SHOW! MY SHOW! And mine or not, this show's an L. I can feel it. I gotta clear my head. I gotta pull it together. I gotta go splash some cold water on my face.
SOUND: Miles Davis
SOUND: door creaking open
TOM
Mike, while Pangaea's playing we gotta get this set up. I'll call Pastor Josh back, and get him on board. You call everyone else, and set up the meeting for tomorrow. We'll leave tonight after the show.
AP MIKE
I still don't think we're ready. We've got--
TOM
Yeah I know, but now there's no more time. Who knows what he's going to do if we don't step in right now?
SCENE: 2
(takes place in moderately busy restaurant)
TOM
Hey there, Pastor Josh. Please, sit. You want a bagel, or a sourdough roll or something?
PASTOR JOSH
No thanks, I ate on the way down. I'm still a little confused. Why did you come all the way to Kentucky -- overnight -- and have me meet you here?
TOM
Well, Paducah was the closest place with a Panera Bread, and besides, we're far enough way we won't have to worry about who might overhear us.
Look, Mike and I have been aware of the Go situation for a while now. When you started talking about it on the air last night, I was afraid you might spook these creeps into going underground or even accelerating their plans. So we decided to gather the team, and shut these jokers down.
PASTOR JOSH
The team?
AP MIKE
Just as Sherlock had his Baker Street Irregulars, and Indiana Jones his Marion and Mutt--
TOM
Come on, Mutt? Was the little bit of alliteration so important you couldn't say Short Round? You're better than that.
AP MIKE
-- so Tom has the Friends of Tom. We have selected a small syndicate of specialists to strike at --
TOM
ENOUGH WITH THE ALLITERATION! Jeepers creepers. Mike here is our forensic psychologist. No, he doesn't have a degree from some fancy institution, but he has watched and summarized every episode of Intervention, Obsessed, Hoarders and Tool Academy, so he has the equivalent.
PASTOR JOSH
And who is this guy, and what does he do?
LARRY THE PERV
I'm sorta your loose cannon dere, you never know what I'm gonna do or when I'm gonna--
TOM
Larry serves no purpose here. Mike brought him because Mike is developing a series for that new Misery TV cable channel. Larry's his first case study.
AP MIKE
The show is called "Delusional," and Larry here was the inspiration for a benchmark I developed called the Pervison Index. It's the measure of a person's self-esteem, divided by any measurable achievements, talents or competencies. A normal, everyday level of self-deception is a 100 score.
PASTOR JOSH
What's Larry's score?
AP MIKE
We can't measure Larry. His complete failure as a human being causes a division-by-zero error.
LARRY THE PERV
Hear dat? I'm off the chart.
AP MIKE
He's also remarkable because his subconscious seems to re-encode anything remotely critical of him into a compliment.
TOM
The little cretin is completely impervious to insult.
LARRY THE PERV
Aww, tank you dere, Tom. You too.
PASTOR JOSH
If Larry isn't the "berserker" for the team, do you have a person like that?
SOUND: wet, hacking laughter
FREDERICKS
Tom, you gotta see Spike up there. He spent 5 minutes telling them they did too have a raspberry balsamic glaze for his salad, and now he's trying to get them to make it from his recipe.
PASTOR JOSH
Question answered. What's Spike's job?
TOM
Spike is our inside man. Our mole. When he started working on that weirdos book, I sent him undercover. The only problem is keeping him on our side. He's starting to go native, and even got these guys' trust. That's how he learned they were making Go.
PASTOR JOSH
Who, the kid from my town? I told you, I know this guy, he's just a punk.
AP MIKE
We're not talking about him. He's just a footsoldier. We're talking about the leaders of this thing: the Insane Clown Posse.
TOM
You see, Go is short for Faygo. One of their dimwit Juggalos accidentally got his stupid makeup sweat into his Faygo, and discovered the chemical reaction produces a drug that gives you hallucinations, makes you paranoid AND hyperviolent, and completely destroys your taste in music.
AP MIKE
They decided to try out Go on your town first, before they roll out their master plan.
PASTOR JOSH
So my parishoner's son was a guinea pig? I've gotta say, it worked on him. He beat up a bingo game and tried to steal the ball tumbler, but it was bolted down. He used to sing in choir. If Go can cause all that trouble with one kid, what's their master plan?
TOM
They're going to create an army of Go zombies and take over the country.
PASTOR JOSH
That's ridiculous. Where? How?
AP MIKE
The Gathering of the Juggalos.
