Judging Presidents Based Solely On Their Portraits

[Shaggy 2 Grote]

I m just trying to be realistic.  These things take time.  So just stop screaming at me!

[Sarah]

But you said 2011 and I said 2012.  Who's the one rushing things?  Huh?  (Consider that spoken in a quiet, irritated tone, please.)

[Chris L]

But you said 2011 and I said 2012.  Who's the one rushing things?  Huh?  (Consider that spoken in a quiet, irritated tone, please.)

That's how I always imagine vice-presidents speaking based on their portraits. 

[gravy boat]

The Nixon portrait-bio was freakin great. Brilliant.

"like a beloved pop-pop"  I'm still laughing 2 hours later.

[iAmBaronVonTito]

i agree- listen to JG.  the whole time ive been reading, ive considered pitching this to a publisher behind your back, Wes.

you need a manager?

[buffcoat]

I was thinking in time for the election, jerk.

You don't call me a jerk, Lubec.  I call you a jerk.

[TheBrettster]

Benjamin Harrison

Harrison was our most particular president.

After he returned home from the war, he ate flapjacks at 6am, a sandwich at noon, and some sort of pork and vegetable combination at 6pm. If he didn't get his meals when he wanted them, he would pout, cross his arms, and repeatedly say "I can't hear you" to anyone who tried to talk to him.

He was also quite the hypochondriac, occasionally lifting his beard over his nose and mouth to avoid "those vile germs" from entering his body during his younger days. He was finally convinced to stop as it was a very "un-presidential" habit, which is when he trimmed his beard. However, it should be noted that he cried like a baby as it was cut off, and scampered off to his room on all fours like a three-year-old when it was done. Ironically he died of influenza.

And lastly, he really liked his chair:

[jbissell]

This book needs to get in production before 2011 because Vice Presidents are now off the table:

http://www.amazon.com/Veeps-Profiles-Insignificance-Bill-Kelter/dp/1603090037/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227164469&sr=8-1

[dave from knoxville]

Toiling by day in the Blessed Assurance Insurance company, working through most of the night pursuing his horrible desires, Gerald Ford will live forever in infamy. After years of systematically constructing his hellish shrine, and within weeks of his retirement from his day job, a simple oversight ended his reign of blood terror. But for a single tiny red horizontal splatter on his otherwise immaculately clean and pressed shirt collar, noticed by his secretary as he reached over her for the 1977 actuarial tables (cancer-related), the conflagration in his cellar might never have been discovered.

[iAmBaronVonTito]

i would love to see this topic revisited with the presidents that havent been covered yet.  let's complete the series.


and its one of my all-time favorite threads on the board.

[Chris L]

Franklin Pierce's time in office was rather undistinguished, but he did manage to invent method acting.   Gabriel Byrne just landed the lead role in HBO's upcoming 26-part miniseries, Pierce, which among other topics delves into his lifelong friendship with General Lee F. Strasberg I.

[Chris L]

Shit, I forgot I already did the Gabriel Byrne/Franklin Pierce thing.  I thought I decided not to bother last time.  Way to ruin the thread, me.

EDIT:  I've removed that old post, so now you'll never know!  HA! 

[iAmBaronVonTito]

-was a surfer in his younger years.  he nailed babes under the pier and was the bon fire king.  nobody could tame the wave quite like jefferson. 

-a closet vegetarian.

-his favorite show is 24.

[erika]

Virgin.

[Wes]

Special Edition

Judge A President Based Solely On A Wooden Deathmask And The Contents Of His Pockets At The Time Of His Assassination

While the purpose of this thread was to contemplate what the phyical appearance of a famous statesman might mean when divorced of the context of - HOLY SHIT, DID ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAVE A FAKE MOUSTACHE KIT IN HIS POCKET AT THE TIME OF HIS ASSASSINATION?

Look at that thing in the left corner! That's totally a fake moustache compartment. Abraham Lincoln - he of the beard with no moustache look - had a fake moustache compartment in his pocket at the time of his assassination. And he had two pairs of glasses. And a pocket knife. This can indicate one thing and one thing only: Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States, was a Master of Disguise.

But wait! Not only did Abraham Lincoln have a fake moustache holder in his pocket at the time of his assassination, the fake moustache is missing. Let that sink in for a minute. Lincoln, a proven master of disguise, was carrying a fake moustache kit at the time of his murder, but he neither had the fake moustache in his kit nor was he wearing it.

Now, please look at this picture of Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth. Booth, you may notice, sports a moustache. A moustache, I hold, that could easily fit into the fake moustache compartment that was in Lincoln's pockets the very night that Booth killed Lincoln.

An actor. A master of disguise. A fake moustache kit. A missing fake moustache. A pocket knife. What does it all mean? What could is possibly mean other than the truth: Abraham Lincoln shaved off his beard with his pocket knife, put on the fake moustache he was carrying and escaped Ford's Theater disguised as the very man who supposedly attempted to kill him, John Wilkes Booth.

(Side note: I assume that the framed portrait of Lincoln and the five dollar bill were not actually in Lincoln's pocket at the time of his death and are just there for reference. Because that would imply some kind of time travel, which is ridiculous.)