#14 - UnmaskedIt’s unbelievable how much abuse Music from the Elder gets. Music from the Elder is a huge step up/return to form/apology for not just KISS’ worst album, but one of the worst albums ever produced by a band that was ever hugely popular.
The bad songs of Dynasty were really bad. “The Odyssey” is a terrible song on The Elder. All those songs are better than anything on Unmasked.
Unmasked is incredibly lazy, under-rocking and over-produced, but not in the way that Alive! was overproduced, and not in the way that the Peter Criss Solo Album is lazy and under-rocking.
The key question to ask yourself about Unmasked is “what would Gene, Paul and Ace circa 1974 have thought of a band that produced these songs?” They couldn’t possibly have imagined that they would be writing this dreck a half-decade later.
This really is putrid. It’s almost impossible to underestimate this album. The bar doesn’t go that low.
The whole point of having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other is that you listen to BOTH of them sometimes. In making this album, the members of KISS (which by this time didn’t include “Pete” Criss) always listened to the bad music devil and never listened to the better angels of their nature.
Alone among the actors on “Oz,” Peter Criss’ character was treated better in the fictional prison than in real life. And
he was
murdered. The band filmed a promotional video for "Shandi," with Peter Criss. It was the last time Criss appeared with Kiss in any capacity until he performed with them at a Kiss Convention on June 17, 1995. In the band's authorized biography, Criss revealed that he was the last one left in the band's dressing room after filming, and broke down crying.
Surely there’s some sort of special place “down below” for Gene Simmons. Rank the reasons:
- How he treated Peter
- How he treated Ace
- How he treated Mark St. John
- How he treated Vinnie Vincent
- How he treated Bruce Kulick post “MTV Unplugged”
- That “picture book” *shudder*
- His performance on “X-Ray Eyes”
- Writing “Great Expectations” – song, not book
- How he treats Shannon Tweed
- His ungiving lovemaking in that sex tape
I just thought of this – what if Gene had seen the future reunion with Peter and Ace and decided that Eric Carr was in the way? No, on second thought, he would have known there were literally no consequences to firing Eric Carr.
Back to the ‘masked:
First, about that cover: I know I’ve asked “jokey” questions before in these reviews, but this time I’m totally serious: did KISS lose a bet with this comic artist?
The comic is poorly drawn, confusing and unfunny. The reporter in the last panel looks like Howdy Doody’s evil, sub-moronic brother.
I almost hate the cover more than the music.
On the music in general…
One of the thing that stands out about Unmasked is the poor quality of the background vocals on song after song. I can only attribute it to two things 1) the band no longer cared enough to pay anyone else to sing and, more likely 2) they hated each other so much that they wanted to ruin each others’ songs.
Now to the songs:
“Is That You?” is a question without an answer. Paul sounds like a little bitch. His rhymes are awful. “Cheap, seventeen and trashed out” could be a good line elsewhere, but hasn’t Paul done this before? Another song about an underage girl? Ace and Gene sound like they hate Paul and each other. I suppose it is an impressive thing to convey that in background vocals.
“Shandi” sounds like what Seals and Crofts or Henry Gross or Morris Simon would produce if they were sent to Hell to punish other people with their music. This is the single, people. This song is absolute shit. Somebody explain to me how the guitar at the beginning of this song has anything to do with KISS?
“Talk to Me.” Let’s say this here. Ace’s contributions are the worst thing about the worst KISS album. Which makes me sad, because Ace was by far the most talented member of KISS. His licks are limp on this song. But the vocals are the problem, and the lyrics are so very, very bad. On the other side, this isn’t even the worst (or second-worst! Ace song on Unmasked).
“Naked City” is the first Gene number. It’s terrible – don’t get me wrong – but Gene’s songs on Unmasked are better than Paul’s or Ace’s. Still: “I’d sacrifice my social position tonight.” That’s not even a double entendre. Is he really singing about his social position? Gene sings in falsetto here. Is that the first time on a KISS record he’s done this? I can’t be bothered.
“What Makes the World Go ‘Round” is another depressing Paul number with sad lyrics and crappy pop hooks. Paul sings in falsetto here, but it’s definitely not the first time on a KISS record. “You’re the only one who could make me feel I was smart” is a particularly personal and pitiful lyric, don’t you think?
“Tomorrow” is a song I just heard for the second time ever this very minute. It sounds a lot like the other schlock that Paul delivers on Unmasked. All his songs sound the same. What’s the deal, Pablo? One thing I haven’t mentioned yet is how repetitive Paul’s choruses are on Unmasked, even within the chorus. So lazy.
“Two Sides of the Coin” is the second worst Ace song ever. The worst is coming up. The best thing about it is that it’s only 3:17. Everything on Unmasked sounds like KISS was in a hurry to get through with it.
“She’s So European” is probably the best song on Unmasked. It’s dumb as can be, again it seems to be about an underage girl, but because she’s so European, maybe it’s ok this time.
“Easy as It Seems” is the best Paul Stanley song on Unmasked, but it’s still terrible. I remember an interview from the 80s when Gene Simmons talked about how much he hated Let’s Dance and wished Bowie would go back and redo Ziggy Stardust (heavy foreshadowing). Obviously, Gene never listened to “Easy as It Seems,” which is the sort of song that Let’s Dance-era David Bowie would have written one morning but immediately given up on as too facile. Exactly what does Gene think distinguishes this album from anything worse?
“You’re All that I Want” is closer to Gene’s later work. Good lord it’s not good, but it’s so bland that it’s hardly worth mentioning. Which brings us to…
A special note about “Torpedo Girl”:
Ace Frehley wrote “Parasite.” He wrote “Cold Gin.” He wrote the guitar solo for “Shock Me.” He also wrote “Save Your Love” on Dynasty. Apparently, he listened to the “Save Your Love” devil when he wrote “Torpedo Girl,” his fanciful and excruciatingly detailed story of going down to the beach and meeting a female submarine pilot. Oh, don’t worry – he still has half the (3:45!) song to repeat “let’s take a dive, Torpedo Girl, and feel alive Torpedo Girl.” I challenge you to listen to the last 2 minutes of this song twice in a row. You can’t do it!
To sum up: When I was a kid, I made this tape of the best of KISS. I chose the two best songs from every album. It was hard to pick just two from Rock and Roll Over and Alive II. There were two exceptions where I didn’t put anything on the tape. One is the Peter Criss solo album. The other is Unmasked.
CODA: This is it for the studio albums, people. I’m thinking of doing the solos one album at a time. A Peter Criss song came up on my iPod this week and Jesus it was as bad as I remembered. I’m looking forward to that.
